


Electricity

by iambrianstorms



Category: Arctic Monkeys
Genre: Blood, Building Relationship, Depression and Treatment, Happy Ending, M/M, Rape/Non-Con on the 3rd chapter, SIAS era, Self-Harm, Smut, Trauma, with a bit of Humbug and AM as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-03-26 17:09:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 49,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iambrianstorms/pseuds/iambrianstorms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are best friends, band colleagues, rockstars, rich, famous, hot, talented, everything. But are they in love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Thoughts Got Rude

_Yours is the only ocean_

_that I want to hang on_

 

Alex never fancied men in a sexual way until he turned seventeen. Not until he opened Jamie's room door and found the boy in his underwear, changing clothes to go out with their school buddies. His hessonite-like eyes sparkled. He and Jamie got friends in early school, both still childs when compassion and sympathy grew between them. But after that, he felt a strong wave of arousal when his eyes scanned every inch of the other's body: his thighs, his back, his shoulder blades, his biceps, his ass.

 

He shook his head as if trying to forget the subject, but his stomach kept dancing. " he called quietly, making his friend turn around to face him. "Oh my bad Al, didn't see you there". The dark-haired boy smiled awkwardly, trying to ignore how fucking hot his mate was. In that night, Al slept pretty badly, and in the day they formed their band he understood how much he fancied Jamie. And he kept like that for years, until he couldn't wait anymore.

 

* * *

 

It was a recording day, the band working on 'Humbug'. Matt gone out for eating something, Nick gone to the loo and eventually they got alone in the room. Jamie was playing around with his guitar,trying some different riffs, his grown hair falling over his eyes and obscuring his vision. Al could not stop glancing at him, noticing how cute the sight is and how much Jamie changed. It annoyed him, the fact he could go through hours staring at the guitarist. A sudden wave of courage attacked the younger lad and before he could stop himself, the words escaped his mouth.

 

'Fook it'

 

'Did you say somthin' Al?'

 

'Fook it' the younger boy repeated. 'I can't do this anymore, Cookie'

 

'Whats up? You O.K.?'

 

'Not at all'

 

'Whats the problem, mate?'. 'You'

 

Jamie opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't know exactly what to say, so he just closed it again. Some seconds passed until the guitarist finally asked: 'Did i do somthin' wrong? I have no idea what you're trying to say'

 

'I'm talking about you. About you and your blue eyes and your golden hair and strong arms and, shit, you cant just do this to people. You made me question me fucking sexuality for so many years, Jameh'

 

'Al?'

 

'I fancy you since i'm bloody 17. I managed to keep chill for years, but I cant do this shit anymore, i cant eventually write about you and pretend - for meself and for the world- is about me girlfriend. I'm tired, Jameh. I cant stop staring at you in a not-so-discreet way, i don't want to go nuts because of this. I'm so sorry' Al completed and, feeling nauseous, headed to the loo. He met Nick on his way, smiling at him as if trying to hide the agony taking over.

 

Jamie got up quickly, rested the guitar against the wall and rushed after him, he bumped on the bassist and apologized, not having time to explain what happened. He found the bathroom door locked, so he knocked on it until the smaller lad opened. His bedroom eyes blinked, waiting for the other to say something. It did not happen, but when he tried to close the door once more, Jamie entered and locked them inside.

 

'You're gay?'

 

'I don't know, Jameh'

 

'Cause I'm not. I mean, I don't know. I guess not'

 

Alex approached him slowly, their noses almost touching; Jamie knew what would happen next, but by some unknown reason he didn't move. He waited until Al's lips found his in a sweet movement; he didn't go deep, or open-mouthed, or even fast. The frontman stepped back, clearly desiring to do it again, and again, and again, but it seemed like he was controlling himself.

 

'Did you feel somthin'? At all?'

 

'Eh, It felt wrong. But nice'

 

'Really?'

 

'Yeah'

 

'Cause that's exactly how i feel about fancying you'

 

They kept staring at each other for some time, blushing. They realised what that meant, what they were. Al was not in love, he knew that, but he had a devastating crush in the shorter man, and Jamie, by the other way, was too busy observing that Alex was indeed a good-looking lad; his sharp jaw, the big brown eyes, the dark and curly hair falling over his face, his seductive lips.

 

When the singer leaned to kiss him again someone knocked on the door. It was Matt. 'Al? Jamie? You both in there?'. Alex answered quickly, stepping away from the other lad: 'yes we are, sorry, i just felt a bit sick and Jamie rushed to see if i was okay'; he blinked to his mate and opened the door. The drummer was looking at both, Nick right behind him. 'Oh alright, we just got curious. You better now?'

 

'Yep, nothing to worry 'bout' he smiled and headed to the other room. Jamie nodded his head and followed him, the four preparing to go back to recording. They silently agreed in never talking about that again, but some beers would eventually lead to shy kisses in some dark pub corner, away from their friends. Even if their kisses were rather innocent, without much action or too much touching, days passed and they wanted more and more. Kisses ended up leading to daydreaming and passionate thoughts, leading both down the rabbit hole.

 

They tried to run away from this problem with women: Jamie had Katie, Alex had Alexa. But it wasn't enough, they knew it, they would think about each other while kissing their respective girlfriends. It felt terrible to lie to them; they knew something was missing. Alex eventually fell in love deeply with the tiny brunette, kicking his feelings for the guitarist to the back of his head; Jamie, unfortunately, couldn't do the same.

 

* * *

 

 

After one whole year without any more-than-common intimacy, both were feeling proud. Yes, proud, 'cause saying they were happy or satisfied would be the biggest lie of all time. Alex and Alexa would fight everyday over everything, and anyone around them could see it was not going to last long. Jamie and Katie, though, were happy, seeing each other all the time and sharing good nights with their friends. The guitarist almost believed he was feeling the same that Katie felt for him, but at night he would lie down next to her and dream about the other lad. It was making him insane, its true, but he wanted to work this out.

 

One morning, when Jamie was alone at his apartament, he heard a knock on the door. _It's 8 a.m., goddammit, why would anyone look for me so early?_ He got up in his pajamas, runned his fingers through his now short hair, and headed to the living room, the noise of someone knocking non-stoply still bothering him. 'What the hell you wan-'

 

It was Alex. His long coat was drowned in water 'cause of the rain outside, but his eyes seemed like drowned way harder. He had a iamawakefordays look, his hair was a mess; actually, he was a mess. 'Christ, what happened?'. Jamie's heart was pounding loudly against his chest, getting he afraid Al could hear it.

 

'Alexa. She left me. For real. I just... I just had to tell somebody. And as long as I couldnt sleep more I decided to walk. But them the rain got me and I came on foot to your apartment and I...'. He left the phrase dance between them, leaving it unfinished.

 

'Geez. Come in, mate' the guitarist said, patting his back and closing the door. He rushed to the kitchen to prepare some tea for both. He came back some instants after, meeting a frozen Alex in the middle of the room, not sitting down or even taking off his coat.

 

'You'r going to get a cold, take this shit away. You're freezing'

 

Al woke up from his wonders and took off the wet and heavy coat, but it didn't make that much diference cause his shirt and pants were just as cold. 'Jameh, can i borrow something to wear? It looks like i jumped in a bloody pool' he said, with a uncomfortable smirk.

 

The guitarist nodded with a gentle smile, not bothering to show him the way cause Alex knows his apartment well. He came back after some time, with a black shirt and sweatpants, both loose on him. 'Cookie you're getting too fat, I mean, look at this' the man said, pointing at himself and laughing. I didn't last long, though, cause the smile vanished from his face some seconds later.

 

Jamie offered him a hot mug of tea. 'I was going to make a joke about your hate on Twinings, but I guess I feel too bad for that too'. The older man gave him a sad glance and headed to the couch, waving for being joined. After taking a sip, he gazed at Alex with a worried look, those blue eyes incessantly searching for the right words.

 

'R you telling me what happened or I've to call 'Lexa?'

 

'You wouldn't fucking dare'

 

'Mate, you don't need to act like this, I've seen you sob in ugly desampare lots of times before'. Jamie stood up and brought a cozy blanket from his room, throwing it on Alex's face. The other man cursed and said it wasn't necessary, a light pout on his lips; 'C'mon I don't want you to be ill' he said, making him give up/agree and bury himself under the soft fabric.

 

'I gone to take a shower at night and she started to look at me photo gallery on me phone. When I came back she shot me a angry look and showed me that pic of us drunk as hell in a festival, that i'm on your shoulders, ya know? A normal pic. She told me I had to stop this kind of shit or people would think I'm gay'

 

'Well, and what did you say?'

 

'That I am. Bisexual, actually'

 

Jamie unconsciously dropped his jaw with an 'oh'. He knew (more than anyone else) that Al wasn't straight, but he never thought he was going to open up like that with Alexa before than anyone else. Actually, he was sure Al was just going to hide it from everyone for the rest of his life.

 

'She freaked out real good. She started to assure that I was cheating on her with blokes and that she was just a stupid bitch that Iwas using to gain popularity. I tried to explain that it wasn't true, that I love her, but she kept shouting, cursing, asking me if i ever kissed another guy'.

 

'Shit! I believe you said yes?'

 

'On the fourth time i nodded. Silent filled the room for like, centuries, until she started to curse at me and throw some stuff in her bag. Lexa told me she was sleeping at her friend's house, but before going out the door, she asked me who. Who was the man i kissed'

 

Jamie's heart beat skipped for a second. _No, no, no, no, no one could know about this_. He couldn't hurt Katie like that. He pretended to tell her about their kiss, but definitely not like this, not from the press. Alex broke their gaze, looking at his mug. 'I told her the truth. I'm sorry, I really am, but she assured me that the last thing she was looking after was to tell the press about this and, I just couldn't lie anymore'. The blue eyed lad relaxed a bit.

 

He nodded as if saying there was no problem. Actually, the only thing worrying him was the fact that Alex wasn't crying. They knew each other for too long, and he saw the thin man crying before. Lots of times. But now he seemed destroyed, broken, all fucked up, yet not a single tear was sliding down. Jamie rested his mug on the table with a sigh and leaned to hug him.

 

Alex got surprised for a second, not expecting the other's embrace, but before he noticed his face was buried in Jamie's chest, whose hand was clumsily caressing his hair. He wasn't very good at comforting people, but well, he had to try. He felt Al's hands grabbing tightly at his shirt and his breath growing heavy.

 

'Do you mind if I-'

 

'You know I don't. Go ahead'

 

He sighed brokenly, and cried for incredibly long minutes, trying to stop for apologizing to Jamie about 'bothering him' but losing it again. The guitarist's callused and thin fingers made their way to his back, massaging up and down his spine to try and make him relax. After what it seemed like ages, he looked up to Jamie with red eyes, hidden behind smooth dark hair that kept obscuring his vision. 'Al, do you want to sleep a bit in me room? Are you hungry? Do you need somthing?'

 

'I don't eat anythin' since yesterday, but i'm not that hungry. I can't sleep either'

 

'Well its a shame cause you're doing both today, here'

 

'Jameh'

 

'Dont you come with bloody 'Jameh's cause is not changing my mind. I cant let you like that'

 

Alex rolled his eyes as his mate got up and patted his back once more. Jamie couldn't handle any more than that, any more than his best mate broken, in pieces and crying on his arms. He wanted Alexa dead, that stupid bitch who dropped a bomb on the frontman, getting him shattered like this. _I mean, who could be such a jerk with him? Who would want for him to go away?_ Jamie knew he would never do any of this, he would always be by his side, protect him and support him and love him and-

 

_No, wait._

_Love him?_

_Oh crap_

 

The news hit him like a bullet on his stomach. He was so painfully in love and now it was as clear as water; he was so hopellesly dying to kiss Alex again, to touch him and feel his heart beating against his, to acknowledge every inch of his pale structure, and there was no way he could keep playing this scene of 'perfect happy couple' with Katie anymore, even though it was easier.

 

 _Jesus_ , he murmured to himself, feeling dizzy. His head was spinning and it looked like he was one second from falling face first on the floor. 'I think i'll watch the view on the balcony a bit. I'll be right back, why u don't go to my room already?' He said trying to keep his legs stable, while Alex shot him a concern look. 'R u alright?'

 

'Yeah, yeah, its nowthin'

 

He waited until the other lad headed to the other room to walk slowly to the balcony. Opening the door and stepping outside, he inhaled deeply, resting his arms on the cold metal. He was really fucked, and unfortunately it wasn't even by Alex.

 

Jamie unlocked his phone and started a call. The voice on the other side made him smirk.

 

'Jameh! I was thinking you didn't care about me anymore, you took ages to call your own girlfriend'

 

'I'm really sorry love, I've been busy. We just finished the album recording. Anyway, how's the trip going? What time your flight arrives tomorrow?'

 

'Oh its great, its a shame its ending already. Me flight arrives at 7 a.m., but you don't need to pick me up, i know how much you hate waking up early'

 

'You know me too well. Hm, i'm pretty sure i shouldn't tell you this, but Alex and Lexa broke up yesterday and he's like, wank'

 

'Oh shit'

 

'Yeah, i know. He's here at the flat, i'm fixing something for lunch and i think i'm inviting him for staying the night. Just, please, don't say anything to Lexa, yeah? Just pretend you don't know 'bout it'

 

'Alright babe. Well, I guess I see you tomorrow. Bye, love you'

 

'Love you too'. She quits the call.

 

 _Or at least I used to_ , he murmurs.

 

He only comes back to reality when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He jumps, surprised, and then starts giggling, being followed by Alex. 'Jesus, don't give me a heart attack'. Al smiles. 'Its the last thing i want'

 

They stare at each other for a bit too long, until Jamie looks away. Opening the door and coming back to the warm indoors, the guitarist pushes Alex into his room and 'orders' him to sleep. When he's stepping outside the door, the velvet-like voice calls his name, and he could swear it was purposely deeper than usual. It made shivers run down his spine.

 

'Hm?'

 

'Would you lie down wif me?'

 

He turned around to stare at his mate, looking for any joking signal. Instead, he met two chocolate-y eyes basically pleading to be joined. He gave up.

 

'Yeah, sure, why not'

 

Jamie approaches him slowly, still tensed up by the idea Alex might be doing this for pissing him off. He sits down on the bed and stretch his legs, leaning his back against the wall; 'So, how u feeling, Al?'. 'Shitty. But I guess being shitty wif you is better than being shitty alone'. He smirked gently.

 

'You should get a haircut. Ya know, to change things'

'U think so? Its really that bad?'

'No, I didnt say it was bad. I just said it would be nice to do somthin. I cut me hair, and its looking way better now, for example'

'Yeah, its really good. It suits you, this WWII pilot look'. They stared at each other for too long, again. _Dammit,_ Jamie thought, h _e could stop being so flirty, it would help_. But this time, Alex looked away first, gazing blankly at the closed window separating them from the uncommon grey-ish weather outside.

 

The blue eyed lad could feel his belly twisting. _What am I? A fucking teenager? Jesus, calm yourself_ he thought, annoyed by the effect Alex had on him. Yes, now it was way more intense, but he hated to admit that since the day both met, that boy gave him shivers. Maybe not in a sexual or even romantic way, but the aura surrounding Alex was almost magnetic, pulling him closer.

 

A sudden movement awoke him from his thoughts. Now, Alex was laying next to him, his arm brushing against Jamie's thigh. 'Who were you talking to on the balcony?'. 'I called Katie, she comes back from Lisbon tomorrow morning'. The frontman glanced at him, but quickly managed to hide the hurt look on his eyes.

 

Not quickly enough.

 

'What?'

 

'Nowthin'

 

'I saw it Alex. I thought you liked her'

 

'I like her, a lot. She's lovely. But i guess I'm jealous about me Cookie'

 

Jamie blushed. They kept in silent for a bit.

 

'You know, I never liked Alexa. Now that its over I can finally say it'

 

'Is that jealousy?'

 

'Maybe'

 

An enjoyable laugh came from the singer; It made the other bite his lip.

 

'Anyway, I guess you don't have to worry anymore. I'm breaking up with her'

 

Alex turned at him, wide-eyed.

 

'What? Why?!'

 

'Ehh... Its not working for me'

 

'Jameh! You never told me somthin was on. Did you both fight?'

 

The blue-eyed sighed profoundly and tilted his head to the right, looking directly into his eyes. 'No, its nothing like that. I just... I guess I'm more into blokes than I thought'

 

Alex let a not-so-discreet noise escape from his apart lips. He closed his mouth and turned to his side, resting his chin between his fingers, thinking. _He could at least say something_ , Jamie wondered, a bit annoyed, J _just told him me biggest fucking secret._

 

'Well feel free to say anythin, you know'

 

'Yes, I'm sorry, I just got lost. I always thought you loved Katie'

 

'As a friend, yes, but I figured it out I never truly loved her. I don't know why, it suddenly opened me eyes'

 

'Thats pretty fucking weird. But... Well... You've ever been with another guy?'

 

'Nothing but kisses, however, you know 'bout this more than me'

 

Alex smiled and kept talking.

 

'I assumed you were bi, just like me'

 

'Ehh, I think I was, but then it changed again. I don't know. I'm just a complete - and gay - mess, after all'

 

'And I'm a bi one'

 

They smiled at each other and bursted into laughter. Jamie felt way lighter now. He checked his phone, noticing was already lunch time. When standing up, Alex's eyes met his, confused. 'Where are you going?'

'I'm just going to fix some food for both of us. Go to sleep, it wont take long. After you eat, i'll stop bothering you'

'Ah.. Alright. You're not bothering me, though'.

 

\--

 

Alex remained awake, staring at the ceiling. _Alexa, Alexa, Alexa, Alexa._ His mind didn't allow him to rest, not even for a minute, always coming back to her eyes, her hair, her smile, her thin fingers wrapped around his, her delicate body. Shit. All he wanted was to get some peace, to sleep for a second, but no, this wouldnt happen. And there was Jamie, after all. In some hours he would be single and completely free for all the other men, and Alex couldn't stand this idea. Katie gone out of the way, but thousands of lads would try to get in her old place.

 

He heard a knock on the door followed by the guitarist with two plates on his hands. 'Al, I told you to sleep, goddammit'. 'Oh believe me I wanted to. I simply cant. It doesn't work'. Jamie sat down next to him and oferred him his food. 'I had lasagna on the fridge. Hope you don't mind'.'No, its great, thank you'. Alex smiled at him, feeling oddly hungry now. They ate quickly in silent, sitting down on the bed - _Alexa would go fucking crazy if she saw this, people eating in her bed_. There she was, on his head again, pissing him off once more; he messed his hair angrily, feeling tears dancing on his burning eyes.

 

'Al? Me food is not that bad come on'

 

Alex smiled.

 

'Its not that. Its Lexa again. I cant fucking take her away from me head, its getting me insane'

 

'There is anything I could do to help?

 

He shook his shoulders, as if saying _I don't know_. Jamie got up and took the dishes to the kitchen, coming back to find a curled up figure between the sheets, burying his face between his hands. 'No, no, Al, don't do this to me. It fucking hurts to see you like that'

 

Jamie rushed to his side and sat on the bed corner, a hand on his shoulder. They kept like that for some more, silent drowning in pain, until Jamie got up and pulled him against his body. 'What the fuck?'. 'Come on Al, let's watch some TV in the living room. It will help it'

 

'If you say so' the singer said, walking right beside the other man, who kept holding him reassuringly. They sat down on the couch, Alex picking up the remote control while Jamie covered him in the cozy green blanket. 'What do you want to watch?' He asked while the frontman kept switching channels. 'Me fucking live getting better, it would be a interesting movie'. The guitarist gazed at him, a serious semblance taking over his face, eventually glancing at the TV to look a bit less paranoic. Both watched an entire 'House' episode in silence before even trying to say anything.

 

'Can I be 100% sincere with you, Al?'. The other nodded and turned around to face him.

 

'She doesn't fucking deserves you. She never did and never will, not even a hair string of yours'

 

'You said you were going to be sincere, you don't have to m-'

 

'I couldn't be more serious, Alex'

 

Instead of answering, the lad leaned and rested his head on Jamie's thigh, making shivers dance up and down the man's spine. He looked at him, brown eyes meeting blue ones. Now, he was serious too. 'You really think this?'

 

'Yeah. Don't ask twice'

 

'God, Jameh, you're going to make me fall for you sometime'. The guitarist felt like a kick on his guts. _I really hope you could_ , he thought, sighing a bit too deeply. 'What?'. 'Nowthin'. 'Jamie, I know you for too long, come on'. 'Its nowthin Al, really'.

 

'If you fell for me, is just saying you know'

 

 _O-oh. Caught me off guard_. He flushed, looking at the other direction as if trying to hide. _Dammit, is he serious? I just fucked everythin._

 

'Jamie?'

 

_Goddammit, stop asking or i'll say the truth._

 

'Eh, of course not'

 

Alex gave him a suspecting look, but eventually chilled out.

 

'I know I'm a pretty lad but I don't think any man would like me'

 

'I like you, Al'

 

'Yes, I know, I like you too Jamie. I'm saying in a romantic way, like in a relationship. I'm just so confused and cocky and boring. It surprises me that I've had more than zero girlfriends in my entire life'

 

_Its now or never, fag._

 

'Its not like that, Al. I'm pretty sure any lad could fall in love wif you. Me, I did it a long time ago'

 

The frontman tensed up. _Did he just fucking opened his heart to me or am I going nuts?_  

 

Looking up, the guitarist had 'hesitation' written in his forehead, and right above it, 'I fucking love you'. Yeah, it was clear like that.

 

'Oh God'

 

'Sorry, I should've stayed quiet. Now you have one more problem'

 

'No! You're not a problem to me, Jameh', Jamie gave him a incredulous look. 'You made me fucking turn bi, that's big deal. And I'm not even going to talk about the band, cause its obvious'

 

'Well, you made me turn bi and then gay, and without you the band would never work. Really, I'm just one more problem now, bothering you with my one-sided way silly crush. I'm probably crushing our friendship into pieces right now'

 

'Who said is one-sided? I kissed you first after all'

 

'Yeah, but this was a long time ag-'

'Stop doing this!'

'Doing wha'?'

'This, stop hating yourself so much, Jesus. And our friendship would never go to hell like tha'. You're me best friend, me childhood buddy, me amazing bandmate, our brilliant guitarist, and me notsosecretanymore lover. That's a lot of stuff, all important to me, so yeah, shut up'

 

The fact that Alex said such kind words and marked him as his lover made Jamie's stomach dance. 'So, i'm your lover? I thought it was something less serious'. 'Well, it can be if you want to, but our kisses meaned a lot to me. I consider you as my secret delightful affair, yeah'. _I swear i'm going to kiss him anytime now_ , both thought, yet nothing happened. Instead, the stronger lad sweetly took Alex's hair from his face, as if trying to inhibit the boy from hiding anything.

 

Time goes by, and before they could notice, both were asleep on the couch; Al was sleeping lightly, still a bit bothered with Lexa (now, joined by his band mate, with leather jackets and motorcycle boots) everywhere on his mind, while Jamie was in a complete trance, his head falling to the left, in a dreamless sleep.

 

A loud noise awoke Jamie almost two hours later. Alex was nowhere to be seen. He looked around him and nothing could've made that sound, so he concluded it came from the bathroom. He got up sleepily and knocked on the door, receiving no answer. 'Al, you O.K.?'. Suddenly, the shower was turned off. 'Al?

 

'Jameh, i'm sorry, I didn't meant to wake you up, I just, ah, I tripped and fell down, hurting me leg, but its O.K.'

 

'Do you need help?'

 

'No, I'm alright. And I'm naked after all, you couldn't just enter here'

 

'Eh, that's not a problem, I saw you naked befor-'

 

Another heavy noise scared Jamie, like something hit the ground painfully. _Oh shit, its probably Alex_ , he thought. 'Al?!'

 

'Fuck'

 

'I'm coming in'

 

And before the other could say 'no', the guitarist opened the door to find his mate on the floor, right beside the curtains, lying on his side notsogracefully. Alex quickly streched and picked up a towell to cover his body, flushing. Jamie legitimately ignored the pleasing sight and noticed one of his legs was red, certainly being the one he hurt seconds ago.

 

'What happened?'

 

'I tried to stand up but me leg got me down again, the floor is slippery too. I think I hurted it badly when I tripped the first time'

 

Getting closer, Jamie offered him his hand, which was gladly accepted and used as support so he could sit on the closed toilet, wrapping the towel on his waist. Alex was still wet from the shower, his hair dripping water, and now he was studying his injury. 'Its probably turning into a purple bruise' he thinked out loud, to what his mate nodded.

 

'I'll get some ice, try to put something on if you don't want me to see it' he said, smirking, to what Al flipped him off. I wouldnt mind, though, seeing you like that the other lad wondered while heading to the kitchen. Alex rested his back on the wall and managed to put his boxers and shirt on just in time to his mate come back. 'Ah, what a shame, I honestly think you were looking better before' Jamie grinned.

 

'Maybe later you can see it again, Jameh', the lad said while blinking, his name singed teasingly. He sat down one more time, pressing the ice against his purpleish skin, while the guitarist kept observing him from the door frame. It was so dumb, all of this teasing, but it's certainly enjoyable.

 

'What do you think about getting drunk? I'm dying for it'

 

'Al, come on, both of us pissed and alone in the same room? Its not a good idea'

 

'Wha'? Do you think we're going to kiss?'

 

'Yeah, to say the least'

 

'Cause I have to be sincere, it seems like you're the only one that can take Lexa out of me head, and I'm hoping you would'

 

Jamie got joyfull first, but seconds later his smirk disappeared.

 

'So I'm your distraction. Nice'

 

'Jameh, don't'

 

'You said it yourself'

 

'We're not playing this game. You know that's not what I meant'

 

'I wish I could get truly mad at you. You're a lucky one, Turner'

 

'Yes I'm lucky indeed, cause I have you'

 

Jamie looked away. He was doing his best to keep himself on the tracks, to not throw Alex against the nearest wall and make out with him, not caring about Katie or anythin else. _I can't_ was his mantra, playing on repeat in his mind everytime the frontman would get closer.

 

Alex stood up a bit clumsily, supporting his hips on the sink. He headed to the living room again, but stopped on the door, obscuring Jamie's way out. The singer got closer and quickly glanced at the older man's lips before whispering at him. 'I swear to God that, if we were in any other situation, I would kiss you now, sober'

 

Cookie leaned more, making their mouths rub slightly against each other; he kept himself (hardly) from going any further, only to tease his mate. 'Well, feel free to do it' was all he needed to say, making Al tremble. Feeling his hand on his shoulder, Jamie closed his eyes, expecting his next move, appreciating the hot breathing against his skin. Before anything could happen, Alex pressed his lips against his pinky cheeks and turned around, leaving the bathroom.

 

'Christ, Alex, stop teasing me. If you're not going to kiss me, make it clear'

 

He followed the other to the living room, a bit annoyed, but the sight of Alex holding his knees against his chest on the couch with a uncompreensible facial expression made him forget it. He got closer and sat down next to him, not daring to make any sudden movement as if he would wake him up from his wonders. 'The thing is, Jameh, I don't know if I want to kiss you. I mean, I want to, but I have thousands of reasons to not do it'

 

_He wants to fucking kiss me. Well, he could just do it already._

 

'Reasons? Like wha'?'

 

'You have a girlfriend. I used to have one, but we broke up today. I'm heartbroken. I don't want to use you to drown me sorrows, cause I'm afraid I don't love you as much as you love me. I mean, I love you, Jameh, you should know this already, but I'm such a confused mess, I just cant bring up another subject to drain me sleep'

 

_You're my confused mess. And you just told me we're both in love. What you're waiting for?_

 

'Al, for once, just do to me what you want, without caring about the consequences. You can punch me, kiss me, break a bloody bottle on me face, fuck me, spank me, set me on fire, or simply go away. I just want you to be sincere. Fink you can do that?'

 

Alex swallowed his unhappyness, the same way someone would take a gulp of whiskey, and crawled into Jamie's direction, sitting on his lap; not in a sexual way, but looking for comfort. He wasn't crying, though; Alex buried his face on Jamie's chest as if this simple gesture would protect him from feeling sad again.

 

It worked.

 

'Jameh, be honest, why the fuck would you fall in love wif me?'

 

_Oh, don't make me list it. Its going to be too silly for you to handle._

 

'Eh, you don't really want to know'

 

'Well, I'll start then. You make me feel safe, Jameh, more than I would inside a secret bunker monitorated by hundreds of cameras and highly-trained soldiers'

 

The blue-eyed lad blushed.

 

'That's not fair, I'm not a poet like you'

 

'I'm not being dramatic, I'm telling you exactly how I feel'

 

'Alright then. Hm, I... You are to me a hot cup of tea in bloody Sheffield's weather'

 

Alex giggled. Jamie looked away.

 

'See? I'm such a disaster. I knew you would laugh'

 

'No! I'm laughing because its adorable, and because you make me laugh without even trying'

 

'Eh, right. You make me feel special, I don't know how or why. You just make me feel better'

 

'You are special! You got me trembling since the first time I saw you shirtless. I fucking swear I almost had a heartattack. And I still do it, these days'

 

'Everytime I think about 'Humbug' i remember how gorgeous you looked back then. I mean, you still are gorgeous, but that fucking hair, mate!'

 

'I liked when you had that punk-y haircut, like in 'Teddy Picker'. That video is such a masterpiece, I could watch your part all day'

 

'Alright, I think we should stop it, its getting too cheesy'

 

Alex laughed and agreed, resting his head against his buddy's shoulder. He sighed. 'I wish it could be this simple, you know, just cuddling on the couch without caring 'bout anything else'. 'Its exactly what I'm doing. You should try it Al, its really nice'. The frontman adjusted himself, so now he could look into his bright blue eyes.

 

'Thats other thing I like about you: you're always so chill. Teach me how to do it. Do whatever it takes but please help me unwind'.

 

Jamie carefully brought his hands up, tucking a few straws of hair behind Alex's ears, whose eyes were already closed and hands were already in the guitarist's neck. After making sure there was nothing in his way, he cupped Al's face and pulled, slowly, into a kiss. Their lips crashed together and they stood like this for some time, as if the moment froze. _Yes, that's exactly what we both needed_. Before they even separated completely, the dark-haired lad pulled again in a rush, hungry for more.

 

Jamie giggled against his mouth.

 

'Thank God you only wanted to chill out, Alex'

 

'Sorry, its just, shit, Jameh! I missed you so much'

 

'I know, I missed you even more, believe me. I'd forgotten already what you taste like. Usually there was a bit of nicotine too, but the rest is as good as I remember'

 

'Oh! I haven't smoken all day, wait a sec, I have a pack somewhere on me coat'

 

When he got up, Alex remembered he wasn't wearing any pants. He flushed and hurried to the other room, looking for cigarettes and his lighter.

 

'Al, you don't need to go so fast, i'd like to enjoy the view'

 

'Fuck off. Its not fair, that I'm in underwear while you're completely covered and non-embarassed'

 

'I'm not obligating you to do anythin'

 

'Wanker' he said, coming back. When he passed through the door, Alex felt the other's eyes scanning his body. He looked up only to see Jamie biting his lips seductively, patting his thighs like calling the lad to sit again. His stomach twisted at the sight.

 

'I should take your pants off too'

 

 _Woah, mate_ was all Jamie could think before Alex sat down on his lap, taking a fag and offering the cigarette to his friend. 'Shit, I havent got a smoke in too long. Me secret pack ended yesterday morning' the lad said, blowing the smoke slowly from his mouth. Still holding the cigarette, Jamie smiled at the other before grabbing his wrist and crashing their lips together, what caused their bodies to collide against each other.

 

A soft and almost unnoticeable moan escaped from Alex's mouth, but their proximity allowed Jamie to hear it perfectly fine. He pressed his teeth in the other's bottom lip, making him repeat the noise and pull away flushing, cause this time was way more audible. The guitarist kept staring at him, satisfied, while Al's hands headed to his mate's belly, stopping to whisper in his right ear:

 

'Now I'm definitely taking your pants off, Jameh'

 

'And why would you do that, Al?' he asked, visibly nervous.

 

'Cause I want to feel you'

 

Jamie swallowed as he discarded the cigarette. _That's it. I swear to God this is my time of dying, it must be_. Alex kissed him gently, almost reassuringly, as his fingers tugged in no rush at the elastic waistband of the other's thin pajama pants. He pulled them down carefully and placed them on the couch, next to both, then sitting again on his legs, avoiding rubbing against **that** point, even if he would like to.

 

'See? I'm pretty sure you're feeling better now'

 

'Ehh... I do, I just feel guilty cause I oficially still have a girlfriend'

 

'I know, I know, we don't have to do anything, I'm not expecting anything. Don't worry, love'

 

_Love. Yes, I like this nickname, you can call me this anytime._

'Do you still want to get pissed? I have like, 6 bottles of bear and red wine. It may do the work'

 

'I would accept some wine, please. Fancy, and still has alcohol'

 

Jamie giggled. He throwed Alex on the couch next to him, earning a playful punch on his arm before standing up and heading to the kitchen, picking up the wine, not bothering to bring glasses. When he got back on the living room, Al's eyes were studying him like someone would study a sculpture from a museum.

 

His eyes runned from his hair to his wrist, his protuberant collarbones against the white shirt, then to his athletic thighs, accidentally locking on his hips for too long. Alex held his breath at the sight of Jamie's crotch, hidden only behind dark blue boxers - extremely tight ones - that caused him to imagine things he thought he wasn't even able to imagine.

 

'Alex, me eyes are up here you know'

 

The lad blushed violently and got up to kiss him, stealing the bottle from his hand.

 

'I'm sorry, I couldn't resist'

 

'Eh'

 

'I mean it! Its just, damn Cookie... You always held the position for hottest one in the band'

 

'Stop it' the lad said, blushing.

 

'I wonder if you're the hottest one in bed, too. But this I can find out by meself'

 

Jamie looked at him wide eyed, accidentally murmuring an 'wha?!' from his apart lips. He regreted it once it was out. 'Wha'? You don't want me to?'. Jamie smiled at him, showing it was O.K., but Al released his drama-queen side. 'I'm acting so slutty next to you, you must be disgusted. I'm sorry, I'm not here only for your cock'

 

'I know, Al, don't worry, you're not being slutty at all. I just got surprised, that's it. I want you, maybe not today, but someday soon, yeah? Its me biggest fucking dream'

 

 _Me biggest fucking dream_ was already tattooed in Alex's mind when he violently closed the space between them in a teeth-colliding kiss. In minutes, they evolved from their delicate, shy pecks on each other's lips to nothing less than hunger. Jamie took the first step, allowing his tongue to explore the lad's mouth; instants later and he could already draw a map of it with his eyes closed. Alex was legitimately seeing stars while his hands headed south, resting in the other lad's hips, whose fingers were playing with dark locks of curly hair. Even when they broke the kiss, gasping for air, both stood exactly where they were, holding each other so close they felt like one. 'I can't even imagine what will happen if we get drunk'.

 

'You don't need to imagine. Let's do it, now'

 

Jamie sighed. 'Come on, I wouldnt be surprised if we awoke naked in each other's arms without remembering anything from last night. Its not exactly what I'm looking for. I want to remember every second of it'

 

'O.K. so let's do this. You can stay remotely sober if you want, but I would take a fucking bath in alcohol right now, I swear to God. So you give me like, 4 beers and you can stay with the remaining ones'

_He really trusts me, doesn't he? Getting high while I'm in complete control of the situation._

 

'You sure 'bout that?'

 

'Absolutely'

 

'Its a deal, then'

 

When Jamie took some steps back so he could pick up the beers, both instantly felt empty without each other's touch. _Just like boyfriends would_ , Alex couldn't help but think, however ignoring the subject. He wasn't ready for a new relationship and he knew that, because: 1) The Alexa incident happened today. It doesn't matter what happens in the next hours, he just got dumped by the girl he was so madly in love with. And he fears this passion won't leave him as quick as he hopes. 2) He's not sure about Jamie. He's not sure if he really loves him. He likes the lad, this is a fact, but what if it doesn't work out? What if both break up after some time? Their friendship could go to hell, carrying the band beside it.

 

Alex was always willing to take risks for love. Its part of his personality. But this time, it might be too much to risk, too much to go to the garbage can if their love vanishes.

 

_Why the fuck am I thinking bout tha? I really need a bloody drink._

 

Jamie picked up their drinks and separated them in front of the couch, on the table. 4 for Alex, 2 for him. Plus a bottle of wine they could share. 'Come here, sit with me'. 'I'd rather sit on you, Cookie' the lad said, returning to his earlier position in the guitarist's lap. Jamie couldn't help but sigh, trying to kick away the tension that their current situation was dripping on.


	2. I Wanna Be Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God i'm such a terrible person I swear i'm going to post more often! But me school is only on the first semester (i'm brazillian so yeah, we have classes from february/march to december) and currently is like, true hell. Physics and math are going to kill me someday. ANYWAY this chapter is angsty, but the end is PURE SMUT! YAY!
> 
> If you want to, leave me any suggestions or critics, i will appreciate it a lot!
> 
> My tumblr is 'iambrianstorms' and my Instagram is @gabrielaoliveirarosa (idk maybe someone actually wants to follow me)

'JAMEH!'

 

'Jesus, Alex, I'm right by your side'

 

'Oh! It’s true. Sorry. I guess I fell asleep'

 

'Yes you did, and I was almost doing it too before you screamed in me ears!'

 

'I already said I'm sorry, Jamehh'

 

Jamie got up, stretched his arms and turned around to face the drunk lad lying on the couch, holding the last empty bottle against his chest, like a mother would do with her son. _I cant even imagine the hungover this peasant is going to get tomorrow_ the blue-eyed lad thought, smirking while he himself felt a bit dizzy.

 

'Give me the bottle, Al'

 

'No! Its me bottle'

 

'You're going to break it, and I'm not into picking up pieces of glass from me carpet for an entire week'

 

'Please, let me stay with it, I wont broke it, pleasee!'

 

_These fucking puppy eyes, man, i can't resist it._

 

'Alright, just be careful'

 

'Thank you, Jamehh'

 

'Why would you want this bottle so much? Its useless'

 

'Its not useless. Its me bottle. I drank it, so now its mine'

 

'If you say so..'

 

Before he could notice, Alex's eyes were closed again and the lad was just as asleep as some seconds ago. After an entire day of procrastinating, the moon light was already coming through the living room's windows, iluminating the two bodies found inside the house. One of them was sleeping clumsily, the other was too busy swimming in adoration for the former.

 

Jamie kneeled next to the couch, observing his lover. _He looks so peaceful but i should wake him up, get him to bed, something like tha'._ He brought his hand up and gently caressed Al's cheek until he released an annoyed whimper. 'What you want, Jameh?'

 

'Come on, let's go to sleep in a proper bed'

 

'So you are going to sleep wif me? Finally!' and jumped on the other's neck, making the lad go some inches back.

 

'No, Al, you're going to sleep for real, i'm going to take a shower'

 

The singer shot him a hurt look that could blow up an entire skyscraper with its intensity, and small pools of salty tears formed in his tired eyes. _No, don't do this to me, Alex, for God's sake._ Jamie felt his heart cracking when the other's hands pushed him away, avoiding his worried eyes.

 

'Go away, Jamie'

 

'Al, come on, you're just drunk'

 

'Get away from me, you wanker'

 

'Stop it, please'

 

'Move your ass to hell!'

 

Before he could curse more, Alex groaned in pain as he felt Jamie's fingers carving in his shoulders, stopping his previous moves to distance them. 'You're hurting me..', 'I needed you to pay attention to me, but i'm so sorry about hurting you. Let's make a deal, alright? I'm taking a shower while you nap, so when I'm done we can cuddle a bit in bed'.

 

A bright smile returned to his face as he nodded enthusiastically.

 

'Lets go then, mardy bum'

 

'Hey, Jameh?'

 

'What?'

 

'Will you sing for me, later?'

 

'Yeah, right, whatever you want, you Majesty'

 

'No, I mean it, please. I want you to sing me a song'

 

'You hate me voice'

 

'I don't! I love it!'

 

'I'll see if you deserve it'

 

\--

 

_Knock knock_

 

'Alex?'

 

'Can I come in?'

 

Jamie gave a quick look around him, making sure the water was blurry enough he wouldnt be exposed to his drunk mate, and shouted an 'yes' back. The door opened and the lad appeared from the shadows, studying Jamie on the bathtub. He walked some steps to his front and stood there.

 

'You need something? I thought you were sleeping already'

 

'I was waiting for you'

 

'Alright, sorry. Can you hand me a cigarette? I promise I will follow you after I smoke one'

 

Alex nodded and disappeared on the hall, coming back in the blink of an eye. He got closer and right after he gave the pack and lighter to Jamie, he took his shirt off. 'Al? What are you doing?'. 'I'm coming in, wif you. Now, close your eyes, please'. 'Alex, bloody hell, i'm already finishing it up'. 'Close your eyes!'. The guitarist sighed and nodded, shutting his ocean eyes.

 

 _Blame it on the alcohol_ he thought. Some instants later, he felt water splashing on his face and took it as a positive signal. Alex was sitting on his front on the tub, his feet rubbing against Jamie's knee, a dumb smile on his face. 'Are you satisfied now?'. The boy nodded.

 

'Nice. You plan to eat anything or we should just go to sleep?'

 

'Sleep!'

 

'O.K.'

 

10 minutes later, the water was cold and both were exhausted, so they decided to quit it. 'Alright, who comes out first?'. 'Go ahead, Jamehh, let me see your booty'. The lad turned red, and repeated his earlier thought, _blame in on the alcohol_ , even if this time he himself didn't believe in it. 'Now i'm definitely not going first. Tell me when you're done' and closed his eyes, the cigarette's remains already smashed in the ashier, located in the dry part of the marble tub.

 

'Oh, that means you want to see me booty, then?'

 

_Well, i wouldn't complain.._

 

'Just go ahead, Al'

 

Alex got up, dried himself, almost tripped several times, and dressed. 'I'm done! Now its your turn'. Jamie opened his eyes to find the lad observing him, expectantly. 'Alright, go to the room, Alex, i'm just changing and I'll go too'. 'But i want to see you getting dressed'. _Blame it on the alcohol? Yes, sure._ 'For fuck's sake, give me some privacy'. The singer sighed and turned around, leaving the room. Jamie followed him after some time.

 

They got in his bed and before Jamie could even think of moving Alex was already on his top, kissing him slopilly, tasting like beer, wine and nicotine mixed with something sweet deep down. People have their signature tastes, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense, and Jamie found out that his mate is just like liquor.

 

_Amazing. I love liquor._

 

Callused fingers, trained after years of guitar playing, quickly found their way to Alex's hair, and it felt like they belonged there. The heat of the situation drained all the oxygen from their lungs, and both broke the kiss gulping for air, eyes locked while breathing; just as fast as they separated, they found each other's lips again. This cycle kept repeating itself until Jamie turned them and pressed the lad against the sheets. 'Too much control in your hands, Al'.

 

A mischievous smile brightened his face before he dived right towards the singer's mouth once more. Their legs were entangled and their fingers, too. Deep in his chaotic alcoholized mind, Alex knew all he needed was some hours of sleep and maybe - _maybe -_ he would feel better tomorrow. Ignoring the hangover, of course.

 

'Hm, Jamie, i'm sleepy, let's sleeeeep'

 

The lad gave him a last peck on his reddened lips and positioned himself right beside him, sighing profoundly when his body finally relaxed below the blanket. 'How's your leg? It hurts?'. 'Oh, I don't think so. No, its alright. I guess its just a purple ugly hematoma now' he answered  with a sad frown. Jamie giggled at how childish Alex gets when pissed. Actually, he has too drunk modes: too childish or too seductive. Thankfully, the former one won, cause the guitarist wasn't sure he would be able to say 'no' if Al got into his full-sexy-beast personality. _Its quite enjoyable, you see._

 

Alex got closer and rested his head on Jamie's chest, his arm lying over the other's belly.

 

'Your song is really nice, Jamie'

 

'My... song?'

 

'Yes. Your heart beating, blood pumping through your veins, your breathing. Its all quite similar to a melody. Now, you told me you'd... Sing to me, please?'

 

'I'm a terrible singer'

 

'No, you're not! I love the way you sing, I loved when you used to do backing vocals, too'

 

_It seems so honest, but come on, no one likes me voice._

 

'Jameeh!'

 

'Alright, alright, i'll try'

 

'Yes! Perfect. I'm listening'

 

Jamie swallowed down what could be his insecurity and a bit of saliva, and started.

 

_'Now then Mardy Bum, I see your frown, and it's like looking down the barrel of a gun, and it goes off'_

 

Silence. That awkward silence, the one that makes you cringe. Jamie could feel a laughter building up on his best friend's throat. Instead, what came out was a soft, pleading voice.

 

'Keep going'

 

'What?'

 

'Please, sing a bit more'

 

'Are you kidding me? This was a disaster!'

 

'No, no, its really nice. Please, just a bit more'

 

5 seconds passed until Jamie nodded, in defeat. 'Just a bit more'

 

'Yes'

 

_'And out come all these words. Oh, there's a very pleasant side to you, a side I much prefer. It's one that laughs and jokes around, remember cuddles on the kitchen, yeah, to get things off the ground'_

 

'Oh man, I wish I had a recorder wif me'

 

'So you can laugh later? For God's sake, Alex'

 

'No! So I can play it on repeat, all day. Really, Jamie, its bloody amazing'

 

'Right. Thanks. Now, go to sleep, yeah?'

 

* * *

 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

 

3 in the morning. Jamie wakes up, his shirt soaked, his forehead dripping sweat. He looks to his left, and thankfully Alex is still sleeping on his stomach, face against the pillow. A scream locked in his throat, he buries his face between just as sweaty hands. _Alright mate, it was just a bad dream. A really fucked up bad dream._

 

**They are having lunch. Katie looks as beautiful as always, her golden hair shining just like her smile. He tells her the truth. She still looks beautiful, though her smile turns into a sharp line. Seconds then, Katie is crying. Sobbing. She stands up and leaves the restaurant. When Jamie crosses the door some steps behind her, he gets in time to see the car. She doesn't see it, however. Some more seconds and she's lying on the floor, mixed between blood and the screams coming from deep down his lungs.**

 

**He kneels next to her and holds her hand.**

 

**'That's all your fault, Jamie'**

 

**Then, her eyes closed.**

 

**And her heart stopped beating.**

 

As if the air was stolen from him, Jamie awoke to the sound of his heart doing the opposite: its absurdly loud and irregular rhytim could surely be heard by everyone in the building. Not enough to wake his mate, though. He got rid of the all-of-a-sudden too hot blanket and stood up, heading silently to his bathroom.

 

Looking to the mirror wasn't a nice idea. His entire face was pink, but at the same time he seemed sick as hell. Blue, bright eyes were now red, from crying. _But I don't remember crying._ Golden bits of hair were now wet and sticking, even if he took a shower some hours earlier.

 

Shirt changed. Face washed. Hands dried. Panic, however, stood there as strong as ever. His breathing wouldn't slow down and his heart kept throwing itself against his chest. _A panic attack now? Really? Its the last fucking thing I needed._ Jamie reconsidered his wonder. _No, the last thing I need is a pissed Alex getting me more panicked._ Looking at the bed, he felt considerably calmer (the maximum his situation allows) as the boy was in a heavy coma.

 

_He is really tired, poor lad. Probably havent slept in two days._

 

Some time passed and, to his relieve, the panic vanished. It wasn't a serious attack, then. He had one as a child, and the only thing he remembers from that day is throwing his backpack at the school teacher so she would 'stop talking', as a very angry and smaller version of himself described to his parents.

 

Jamie sat on his living room and turned the TV on. He watched 'Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind' while eating an entire strawberry lace package. _This is certainly me gayest moment of life_ , he couldn't help but giggle. After the movie was over, he turned the TV off and was greeted by darkness. The city lights were his only way of guidance in the otherwise black room.

 

Laying down on bed again, he was received by a soft noise from the other lad, whose's eyes were still closed. 'Hey, Al'. 'Hi, Jamie. What u were doing out of bed?'. 'I had a bad dream, so I watched a bit of TV'. Alex opened his eyes wide and caressed his cheeks with drunk/sleepy fingers. 'Oh, no! Do you want to talk 'bout it?'. 'Tomorrow, maybe. Now, let's sleep again, shall we?'. 'Sure, love'.

 

Alex pulled Jamie's neck and gave him a quick kiss before bringing him closer to his body. Jamie buried his face in Al's collarbones, being overwhelmed by his heat. They slept like this.

 

* * *

Hungover. That's the word for that morning. Pure and disgraced hungover.

 

Jamie had a soft headache that was treated with medicine. Alex, though, could only be treated with lots of unhealthy food, coffee, silence and rest. Some love, too. In the second he awoke, regret could be seen from miles away on those brown eyes.

 

He got up from bed and entered the kitchen, being greeted by a messy-haired Jamie wearing only tight jeans and black socks; they lad smiled at him with two cups of black coffee in hand. Alex felt his stomach dance at the sight, leaning to kiss him good morning before remembering about last night. He stepped back before their lips touched.

 

'Sorry, I guess I just have a terrible morning breath, now'

 

'Eh, that's probably true' said Jamie, going for a kiss on his cheek and calling him to sit down.

 

'Thought you were going to see Katie..'

 

Alex had a bitter expression on his face that could be misinterpreted as nausea.

 

'Yes, i'm going to. I just wanted to help you with the absurd hungover I knew you'd get'

 

'Ah, thank you, then' he said, still unhappy.

 

'Alex, for God's sake, I'm not going to ask Katie to marry me, I’m breaking up wif her. You should be happy'

 

'You could just call her..'

 

'And be a complete asshole? I still care about her, I want to make it as gentle as possible'

 

'Oh, i think its going to be hard as you're going to tell her you're gay and you've been cheating on her for years wif me'

 

Jamie felt his face getting red from rage, but he shut his mouth, gave Alex his mug and headed to his room, to get ready. Feeling bad about his words, the singer got up, drinking his coffee, and followed him, but when he crossed the door he found his mate leaning on the window, still shirtless, observing the outside.

 

'Look, Jamie, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that'

 

'Its okay, Al. The problem is, you're right, there's no way I won't hurt her'

 

'You can let her oblivious from the cheating. I mean, on other people's eyes is almost nothin' to kiss someone else..'

 

'No, I shouldn't lie more to her. And after all, we didn't kiss once, drunk or high, did we? It happened several times. And last night kind of messed it even more'

 

 _Last night? Oh, I barely remember anything from after I got pissed._ Alex thought.

 

'Hm, Jamie, I don't remember a lot of last night. Not after i drank those four bottles, at least'

 

Jamie turned around and chuckled. _Just like I predicted._

 

'You slept on the couch, and when I tried to get you to bed, to sleep, you literally throwed yourself at me'

 

'Oh...'

 

'I denied it, and you got incredibly mad and told me to "go to hell" while pushing me away'

 

'Jesus, I'm sorry'

 

'Don't worry, I know. But it got better. You entered in the bathtub wif me and told me you wanted to "see me booty"'

 

Alex was pink from shame. _Oh my God, I should never_   _ever get_ _drunk again._

 

'I really said 'see your booty'?'

 

'In those words, exactly'

 

'Fuck'

 

He was too busy cringing in shame when it hit him. The only complete memory from last night: Jamie saying he woke up from a nightmare. _Maybe I should ask about it now_.

 

'You said you had a bad dream. What was it?'

 

_Shit. I had already forgot about it._

 

'Eh, I. Hm. Its nothing, really'

 

'Come on, you seemed pretty affected when you told me'

 

'It was just a nightmare, mate. That's it. Sometimes they don't make sense'

 

'But this time, it did, apparently'

 

Jamie hesitated. He avoided talking by walking to his closet and pretending to be busy while choosing a shirt and a pair of shoes; he dressed them and turned around, finally deciding what to answer.

 

'I... It was so real, fuck. I dreamt about going out wif Katie for lunch. I told her the truth. She started to cry and gone away, but when she stepped outside the door, a fucking car came from nowhere. She got hit by a bloody car, right in front of me, Al!'

 

'Mate, it was a dream, i'm sure she's okay'

 

'Yeah, i know. But fuck. Really, all that blood, and her voice, so weak. Jesus' he murmured, hiding his face between slightly shaky hands. Alex approached him and rested the mug in a table, placing a hand on his shoulder and caressing it gently.

 

'Her voice... So she said something?'

 

_No. This part, no._

 

The blue-eyed lad suddenly lost his face's color. He was as pale as paper.

 

'Jamie? What did she told you?'

 

_Stop it._

 

'You're getting me worried. Please, answer me'

 

'She said it was all my fault' he completed in a whisper, letting his arms fall to his side. Jamie could feel tears forming on his eyes and, ashamed for _being so stupid,_ he slipped past Alex and headed to the other room. The lad followed him as fast as he could, grabbing his left hand as he tried to walk.

 

The guitarist stopped as he felt the touch, but kept facing the other way.

 

'Cookie'

 

'Cookie, please, you know it would never be your fault in any situation like this'

 

'I know Al, but she fucking died in me arms while saying this. I'm sorry, but I cant ignore this bloody nightmare. Not this time'

 

Alex let go of his hand and gave him a compassionate half-smile before searching for his coffee, on the other room. When he came back, Jamie had his jacket on and was looking for his phone, asking his friend if he saw it somewhere. 'No, I havent'

 

'I cant find it. Fuck'

 

'I'll help you'

 

After some good minutes, Alex found it on his closet, between messy clothes. He unlocked it only to check what time it was, but the background image of Jamie's phone made his heart skip a beat.

 

Both of them in a picture probably taken by Matt in some late night party.

 

Drinks in hand;

 

Red cheeks from a mix of alcohol and joy;

 

Jamie's arm over Al's shoulder;

 

Bright smiles that could set fire on a cigarette.

 

'Oh God i'm so f- Oh! You found it!'

 

Alex kept gazing at him with his mouth open, without knowing how to approach the subject.

 

_Their subject._

 

'Yeah, I did'

 

'What? What's up?'

 

'You... I mean, you know we're not dating, right Jameh?'

 

'Of course I know. Why?'

 

'Its just, your phone..'

 

'Wha'? Just spit it out, Al'

 

Instead of talking, the singer unlocked the phone and showed it to his mate, that sighed.

 

'No, you got it wrong, you're just... I like this pic a lot, that's all. I was looking for a photo Nick asked for and found this one, so I changed me previous background photo of Katie'

 

Alex kept looking at him, with an illegible look on his face.

 

'Eh, I can change it if you're so bothered by it'

 

'No! Its nothing like that, its just, not even Lexa had our fucking photo as her background. I just got really surprised. But i'm pleased, yeah'

 

Jamie smiled.

 

'Sorry, I never wanted to make it awkward'

 

'There's no problem at all, love'

 

'Good, love' Jamie said, mocking him for the pet name, even though he liked it.

 

Alex blushed and got closer, leaning for a kiss. Their lips touched while the singer gently pushed his mate to the bed, his body above the other's and his hands caressing his hipbones. Even if Jamie was certain he could go through hours like this, he knew Katie was waiting for him, too. He broke their kiss subtly and looked into those hessonite eyes.

 

'Al, I have to go, I'm going to be late'

 

'No, you don't, you still have time' and placed a soft kiss on his neck, making Jamie tremble.

 

'Look, when I get back we can do more of this, I'll be incredibly happy, but now I really need to go'

 

Alex made as if he didn't listen and started to go down his torso, finally tucking both thumbs in his old black jeans' waistband. He teasingly placed a kiss on his belly before whispering.

 

'What if I put my mouth on you? Would you stay?'

 

Jamie's breathing locked in his throat for a second as he felt his cheeks heating. He looked at Alex, wide eyed.

 

'You're such a tease, you know?'

 

'I'm not teasing. Would you?'

 

'Really, Al, I need to go'

 

'Alright, then. Maybe later'

 

'Yeah, maybe later' Jamie said, busy thinking about what Alex just proposed.

 

As he walked out the door, some minutes later, all he could think was _Shit, I should have stayed. A bloody blowjob, man. Shit._ and some other variations of this. He walked to the coffee shop down the street, where Katie would meet him. Entering the place, he found her sitting down, looking outside the window. _Oh shit, I thought I wasn't so late._ Jamie walked towards her and when she saw him, a joyful smile decorated her face.

 

'Jamie!' she said while standing up to hug him. When he wrapped his arms around her, he sighed as her incredible scent of vanilla sent him to a planet of nostalgia. All their time together, all the travelling and partying and watching movies late at night on the couch; even the sex, that was certainly enjoyable to a bisexual man. But now, it was all going to hell.

 

She kissed him sweetly and sat down again, visibly excited to talk about her trip.

 

'I missed you so much, babe!'

 

'Me too, Katie, wow. But well, tell me more about Portugal'

 

'Its a beautiful country, that's for sure. Amazing food, amazing people, a quite interesting language, amazing places, I bought a lot of souvenirs and general nonsense, really. The job was delightful too, shooting in a really cool beach in the south'

 

'That seems amazing, indeed. I even feel ashamed cause my month was boring next to yours. But we finished recording. The album comes out tomorrow'

 

She held his hand between hers and played with his fingers, smiling. They talked for half an hour and ate breakfast. When Katie finished telling a story about a hilarious pizzaman that flirted with her at Lisbon, Jamie took it as a good time to spit the truth. He didn't quite know how to start, though.

 

'So, eh, Katie, we need to talk'

 

'We are talking, as long as I know' she said, giggling. He shot her a dumb smirk.

 

'I mean, we have serious stuff to talk'

 

'Well, go ahead'

 

'I fink I need some time. Some time to be all by meself, you know?'

 

'That's okay. But why? Do you know how long?'

 

'Like, forever'

 

She opened her mouth as his words hit her guts like a cannonball. _So fucking gentle, Jamie. So. Fucking. Gentle. You're a disaster._

 

'Did I do something wrong? What happened? I'm pretty sure we can work this out'

 

Jamie locked his eyes on the glass of juice to avoid hers, running his hand through his hair.

 

'Oh, Katie, you're such a wonderful person, but really, there's no way out'

 

He knew she was crying before even looking up. When he did, she separated their hands and stared at him for incessantly long seconds; At this point, three other couples in the coffee shop were observing the situation, but Jamie couldn't bring himself to care.

 

'For fuck's sake, Jamie, at least tell me why'

 

'I, I discovered somthin about meself that fucked everything up'

 

She chocked in a sob she was refusing to release. 'What? You're sick?'

 

'No. Actually, some people would say I am mentally ill. But not biologically, no'

 

'Just tell me the truth already'

 

'I'm gay'

 

'Oh God, if this is some kind of joke I'm going to fucking kill you'

 

'Its not a joke, I'm gay, I'm in love with another man, I crave dick. That's it' he said, serious, both elbows on the table. _I crave dick? Really? That's the best you could do? Thank God you're not the band's lyricist, Jamie._

 

'You dated me for years and now you just tell me you're gay?!'

 

'I was straight, that's true. In 2009, I found out about being bisex-'

 

'So you fucking cheated on me, too'

 

'Katie, you need to understand. I know I’m the biggest asshole you've ever met, but when you find out you are attracted to the same sex you don't really think about your relationship. Anyway, nothing more than kisses ever happened, this I can assure you'

 

'Oh yeah, that makes me feel better, my supposedly straight boyfriend kissing unknown blokes in some pub'

 

'Hey, I never kissed unknown blokes in a pub, alright, I’m not that much of an asshole'

 

_But kissing your best friend makes you a better person? I guess not._

 

'What, are you telling me you had an affair, then?'

 

'No, not exactly...'

 

'I bet you're dating Alex aren't you? He is certainly your gayest friend''

 

Jamie chocked in the sip of juice he was taking, and Katie took this as 'yes'

 

'No. No, don't you fucking dare to tell me this is true'

 

'We're not dating'

 

'So that's it? You changed me for that cocky skinny fag?'

 

 _He's not a cocky skinny fag_ Jamie said to himself as his face got red.

 

'You don't have any right to be a bitch to him, Katie. Call me what you want, but don't put Alex between us'

 

She gave a bitter laugh as she unlocked her phone. 'You love him'.

 

'Yes, I do'

 

‘Why you even bothered to come here and pretend we were O.K.? You called me yesterday and seemed so happy, asking about me trip and talking about Al-'

 

She stopped as the words locked on her throat.

‘Oh my fucking God, that’s why Alex was there yesterday, huh? I bet their broke up was just a lie so you could fuck him in our own bloody flat!’

 

‘First, it’s my flat. Second, Alexa really dumped him, you can even ask her, Katie. And for last, I didn’t fuck him for the fact we were still together. For respect, you see’

 

Katie got up and dried the tears flooding her eyes. ‘Well, that makes me feel better, Jamie. I can’t even thank you enough for not cheating on me. And please, don’t call me again’

 

‘So it’s like that? I could have texted you something like “hey I’m gay and I’m cheating on you bye bye bitch” but instead I came here and told you me true feelings. And yet, you chose to go away and throw at the garbage can all those years?’

 

‘What do you want me to do?!’

 

‘Sit down would be a nice idea’

 

She sighed and done it as he instructed her. ‘What the fuck you wanted me to do, Jamie?’

 

‘Katie, please, you have all the reasons to be mad, but for fuck’s sake, don’t cut me out of your life, alright?’

 

‘You want me to go to dinner wif your mates while you make out with Alex by me side? I’m sorry, but I can’t do this’

 

‘I just want us to be friends, or as close as that we can reach’

 

‘Jamie, why can’t you understand this? You fucking cheated on me! You cut me out of your life a long time ago! It’s a complete dickhead work, what you did’

 

‘Let’s give each other some time, alright? To calm our heads. Just please, promise me you’re not going to cut me out’

 

After some time, she nodded in defeat. ‘O.K.’

 

‘O.K.’

 

The bright smile on Jamie’s face made Katie tremble. She gazed at the outside, avoiding his eyes. ‘Don’t smile at me like tha’

 

‘What? It’s me smile’

 

‘Yes, exactly. The young, funny boy in that pub caught me attention wif this same smile’

 

‘I’m so sorry, Katie, for fucking everything up’

 

‘You should be’

 

‘I never wanted this to happen. But I couldn’t lie anymore, too’

 

‘Well, I guess is better than finding out about your sexuality by accident’

 

‘Yeah, I guess’

 

__

* * *

 

 

As Jamie entered his flat, he was greeted by the hilarious sight of Alex asleep on the dinner table, in the same chair he was sitting down 2 hours ago. The cold and unfinished mug of coffee still on his hand as Jamie put his jacket on his room and came back to wake him up. Gentle fingers found their way to his ribs and caressed the area, making the lad groan quietly and open his visible eye, sneaking through his dark hair.

 

‘I can’t believe you slept like this’

 

‘I can’t believe you woke me up! I’m really tired, you know’ he said, lifting his head. Jamie chocked in a giggle as he saw the big red mark in Alex’s face that was used as his pillow.

 

‘So, you’re already single?’

 

‘Yes. An asshole, too’

 

‘Oh, I already knew that’ he said, smirking.

 

‘Matt called me on me way back, inviting us for lunch. I told him ‘bout Lexa, alright?’

 

‘Yeah, it’s okay’

 

‘At what time we need to get on the studio today?’

 

‘Something around 3 p.m.’

 

‘Aren’t you excited? Our album comes out tomorrow’

 

‘I am. Delighted. But now I would like to get back to sleep’

 

‘Alright, let’s go’

 

Both sat on the couch as Alex stretched his legs and rested his head on Jamie’s chest, positioning his body right above his. ‘Hey, Jamie’ he whispered. ‘What?’, ‘I want to tell Mal and Helders bout me sexuality, today. Would you like to help me?’. He looked up.

 

‘What do you mean by helping you?’

 

‘Well, we can come out together’

 

 _We could come out as a couple_ the guitarist thought, sad. In the end, he nodded.

 

‘O.K. but do you have any idea of how we can approach the subject?’

 

‘Yeah, I do have, one or two. But we can see this later, maybe I can call you for a smoke there and we discuss according to the situation’

 

‘Alright’

 

In some minutes, Alex was asleep but Jamie couldn’t bring himself to relax. Telling the truth to his ex-girlfriend was easier because, if they had a fight, he would get over it. _But coming out to me best friends? What are they going to think? Come on, it’s something a bit bizarre after all._

The dilemma of doing such a task bothered him for a long time, but after all, he was tired too. His eyelids grew heavy as Alex’s cold hands grabbed his, and before he could even process the act, he fell into unconsciousness and hoped that no bad dream would wake him up this time.

 

Instead, he was brought back after half an hour by Alex biting playfully his earlobe. ‘Ouch’ he murmured and got stronger teeth pressing his skin as an answer. At the sudden wave of pain, he released a moan he definitely didn’t see coming. Alex stopped and looked at him, making his cheeks go red.

 

‘Are you telling me you like pain, Jamie?’

 

‘I didn’t tell you anything’

 

‘Well, the sound you made told me a lot of things’

 

The singer smirked and gone back to his earlier work, attacking his other earlobe and receiving the same approval sign, feeling fingers making their way up his thighs and resting a bit higher than they usually do. _Maybe later, he said. Now seems good enough,_ Alex thought.

 

‘So, what about revisiting our earlier activities?’

 

‘Seems nice’ he said, closing the space between them. Jamie squeezed his thighs with ferocity as Alex grinded his hips above him, his brown eyes closed rather violently. The guitarist relocated himself until he was sitting on the couch and the other was on his lap – but this time, there was nothing innocent in it.

 

‘Oh, Cookie, you’re excited for this, aren’t you?’

 

‘I definitely am’.

 

A dirty smirk formed on his face as the lad trusted his hips again, pushing his thin body even closer. ‘Alex, do we even have time for this? What time is it? I told Matt we’d go’. ‘Shut up, Jamie, we have plenty of time’. ‘Alright, then’ he said before pressing his lips on Al’s pale neck, sucking the skin until it turned purple.

 

‘Fuck, Jamie, you have no problem telling the boys we’re snogging around, do you? They’re going to see it and, come on, I’m at your house since yesterday’

 

‘I don’t give a fuck, really’

 

‘Amazing, then I can leave some hickeys too?’

 

As an answer, Jamie let his teeth sink against the already marked neck and Alex couldn’t help but pant. He moved his hips once more, and this time he could feel Jamie’s growing bulge against his. ‘Shit, Jameh’ was all he murmured before proceeding to take Jamie’s shirt off. At the touch of warm skin, the singer grabbed the biggest hand of golden hair he could and pulled it strongly, making the other bite his lower lip to try (but fail) keeping his whimper to himself.

 

‘For fuck’s sake, you’re sinful’ he whispered in Jamie’s ear.

 

‘Oh, you don’t even imagine’ the lad said, his fingers running down the other’s spine and squeezing his ass with such desire that Alex arched his back and moaned. This time, Jamie was the one to whisper in his ear: ‘If I’m sinful, it’s because you’re me sin’. As Alex felt himself shivering, he planted a kiss on the other’s jaw and told him that he should be ‘the next lyricist of the band’ between grinds from his hips. Jamie quickly unbuttoned the frontman’s shirt and threw it somewhere near the couch while Alex pushed their bodies closer than it seemed possible.

 

‘So, Cookie, what do you have in mind for our morning activities?’

 

‘We have less than 15 minutes before we grow late’

 

‘And I couldn’t care less’ the lad said while unzipping Jamie’s pants, what caused the guitarist to cast him a rather surprised look before doing the same to his mate’s obscenely tight jeans. With nothing more than dark boxers separating the two bodies, Alex sat down on his thighs again – this time, doing anything but avoiding the contact between their crotches.

 

Jamie looked between them and couldn’t help but smirk. _What a fucking dream, this._

‘I noticed you’re happy to see me, Al’

 

‘Why you don’t check for yourself?’ he asked, his hands pulling Jamie’s towards the pulsing member under the soft fabric. At the touch, the two lads groaned and their lips crashed, almost at the same time. The guitarist’s fingers found their way below the underwear and Alex whimpered a bit desperately when he felt those previously mentioned fingers closing around him. The sudden heat of Jamie’s hand around his already hard cock made him see stars and even though he tried to calm down, all he did was bury his face in his mate’s neck and release a muffled moan. ‘Hm, Al, you look so beautiful like this, you know?’ he leaned closer and rubbed his reddened mouth against the lad’s ear before whispering in a deeper voice: ‘You must look splendid when you come, too. All sweaty, wif your hair in a mess, screaming me name’.

 

‘Shit, Jamie, you’re going to make me come right now if you keep talking to me like this’

 

‘Oh, I’ll be quiet then’ he completed with a smile and a kiss on his neck.

 

As his thumb caressed the shaft of Alex’s hard dick, Jamie felt a trembling hand reaching his own boxers and couldn’t help but pant when the singer squeezed him through his briefs. In the moment his hand moved up and down, the ringtone of his phone filled the room. ‘Ah, for fuck’s sake’ was all Jamie whispered before using his free hand to decline it.

 

‘It was probably, ah, Matt. You should’ve got it’

 

‘Eh, yeah, right’

 

Alex’s argument was runed over by a groan as Jamie stroked him again and stablished a rhythm that made the lad arch his back. Another call made the guitarist curse and stretch his arm to decline it, but before he could touch the screen, Alex stopped him and breathed profoundly before talking to him: ‘Jamie, he’s not going to stop it until you accept it’. The lad rolled his blue eyes and clicked on the green signal. He whispered a ‘be quiet’ before bringing the gadget to his ear.

 

‘Hey’

 

‘Thank you for accepting it, dickhead’

 

‘Matt, I’m really busy now, please, call me later O.K.?’

 

‘What? Is this a heavy breathing? I just hope is from running or I owe apologizes to Katie’

 

‘Eh…’

 

‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Its just, weird time to fuck, huh?’

 

‘Matt’

 

‘Alright, alright, I’ll call you later, enjoy yourself’ and finished the call.

 

‘Oh, he’s definitely going to talk ‘bout this’

 

‘Well, Jamie, at least we don’t need to approach the subject by ourselves’

 

While he got the phone on mute, Alex got rid of his own too-tight boxers and was already doing the same to Jamie’s. ‘Bloody hell’ he whispered at his mate before throwing the underwear somewhere behind him, ‘I feel sorry for Katie now’. The guitarist pulled him for a kiss between sharp breathings and the pair shivered when their cocks rubbed against each other.

 

‘Why? Cause you stole her boyfriend?’

 

‘Ah, no, I don’t regret this at all. I’m talking ‘bout ur dick, Cookie’

 

Jamie giggled as he planted a wet hickey on his neck, his hand gently starting to stroke him again while he was being caressed by Alex’s fingers. As a small portion of pre-cum gone down Alex’s swollen head, Jamie collected a bit of it with his thumb and lifted his hand, pressing his finger between the singer’s lips, who sucked it as if it was a popsicle. ‘Does it taste good? What I’m doing to you, Al?’ and in a fraction of second, Alex crashed their mouths and made he taste it by himself. Both callused hands stablished a pumping rhythm and soon enough they were panting like there was no tomorrow, pre-cum dripping down and between their fingers.  _I almost feel bad for me neighbors_ the blue-eyed lad thought with a smirk.

 

As they broke the kiss, their foreheads glued to each other and all that could be heard were their whimpers filling the room; in a rush, Jamie used his free hand to grab the other’s ass and pull him closer, while the other hand closed around Alex’s cock as well, pressing both shafts and stealing a high-pitched moan from the lad sitting on his thighs.

 

‘Fuck, Jamie, I-I… I guess me question about you being good in bed, shit, I fink I already got me answer, huh?’

 

‘Oh, you haven’t seen - ah - shit yet, Al’ he said as his hand stroked both faster.

 

_Oh, but I want to see it, then._

‘Bloody hell, Jameh, I’m getting the-‘ he tried to say but was cut by an obscene cry. ‘I’m getting there’

 

‘Cum for me, love. Give it all to me, yeah’

 

A shivering Alex didn’t last much longer than four more pumps and he screamed ‘Jameh!’ so loud as he came that now every single person on the building got knowledge about the origin of the noise. Jamie reached the edge just some instants later with a muffled scream against Alex’s neck, both of their comes cooling over his hand – now trying to get every single bit of content that’s still dripping from their throbbing members. While their lungs managed to recover from the lack of oxygen, Alex crumbled above his mate and sloppily reached for his mouth, kissing him without any rush or neediness, Jamie’s saliva mixed with small bits of sweat dripping from his forehead. When their lips separated, the singer lifted his hand and played with sticky curls that seemed like gold.

 

‘Al?’

 

‘Hm?’

 

‘Can you get me a towel or somthin?’

 

‘Sure, baby’ he said while clumsily getting up and walking to his objective. When he came back, his eyes locked in Jamie’s stomach and he couldn’t keep himself from smiling. ‘Shit, we made a mess, huh?’ he stated before sitting down again and cleaning all he could, the guitarist’s hands busy keeping bits of dark hair away from his eyes.

 

‘We should take a shower’

 

‘Dammit, we should, Cookie’

 

‘Let’s go, then’ the lad said while picking Alex on his arms – who giggled in surprise - and transporting him to the bathroom. After some minutes washing each other and kissing under the water, they got ready to have lunch with Matt and Nick. ‘Are we really telling them we were snogging on me couch? Shit, they’re going to throw up all over us’ he said with a chuckle. ‘Matt is going to ask ‘bout it, come on, it’s his fault’ the lad told him with a smirk.

 

‘That’s true’

 

When Jamie was walking out the door, Alex (that was right behind him) held his hand, this time receiving a bright smile back. ‘What?’

 

‘I love you, Jamie’

 

‘I love you too, Al. More than you can imagine’

 

‘Try and show me, anytime. I’m all yours’


	3. Some want to kiss, some want to kick you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everything was going right, life decides to fuck 'em all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THERE IS RAPE/NON-CON IN THIS CHAPTER!! There is no explicit/complete description of it, but there is brief mentions of the occurence and (mainly) the effects on the characters. If you're easily triggered by this, you have two options: don't read it at all or read it until the '3 days later' mark. From there, it only goes down the hill.
> 
> I hope you like this chapter, i'm not sure if its good, but i worked very hard in it. Please, give me your opinion.

In the car, both were enjoying their free minutes to act passionately before having to hide it from Matt and Nick, at least until telling them the truth. Jamie, who was driving, kept one hand on the wheel and the other entangled with Alex's, and from time to time he would look at the lad on his side and smile at the singer, whose's lips would curl on its sides as well.

 

'Oh, Alex, we need to stop this'

 

'What?'

 

'This, acting like a couple. It would be much easier if we were just fucking around'

 

'I thought you liked it'

 

Jamie looked at the cars going by their side for long seconds before shooting him a sad look.

 

'I do, too much. And that's the problem'

 

'Why? Why'd it be a problem? We're together'

 

'Yes, but we'll never be together for real, will we? I just, it hurts a bit, you see'

 

'But is not me idea to hurt you'

 

'I know, of course not, but as a hopeless romantic, I keep dreaming about a beautiful relationship. None of this is your fault. I'm sorry, i'm just rambling' he said, not taking his eyes off the street. He separated his fingers from Alex's and runned them through his hair, as if a excuse to not hold his hand anymore. Then, he layd it on his thigh.

 

'I never knew you were a hopeless romantic'

 

'I didn't knew as well. Me girlfriends through the years found out before me'

 

'So, that means I have to find it out, too?'

 

Jamie glanced at him confused before turning around again.

 

'I know its not the right gender, but it works'

 

'You told me we weren't boyfriends'

 

'Not yet'

 

 _Stop playing these fucking games_ the driving lad thought before sighing loudly.

 

'I am sorry, Jamie'

 

'Bout what?'

 

'Bout being meself. I'm such an asshole'

 

'Its okay, I found out some time ago that I like assholes' he said, looking at him.

 

Some seconds of silence were cut by childish laughs. 'I'm sorry, I couldn't resist it'

 

'Nah, it was a good one. And its true, anyway'

 

'Well, I've never tried to know'

 

'There's a first time to everything' Alex said, his hand now playing with the light hairs in Jamie's forearm. The guitarist kept it discreet but he couldn't ignore his belly twisting like in an amusement park ride. _But that's life wif Alex. A roller coaster. And I always liked roller coasters._

 

* * *

 

Before heading to the restaurant, Alex placed a peck on his right cheek and opened the door to go out. As they walked towards the warm indoors, Jamie noticed the purple-ish hickeys on the singer's neck. 'See, just as I told ya, they're still here'. 'Oh well, I don't remember caring about them before, so I wont do it now'

 

Matt and Nick were already sitting down in a special table close to the window and waved at them as both approached. They sat side by side and done their bests to act just like before any of this happened; by that, it means to act straight and as mere friends. Hard, but they managed to.

 

'Jamie, you dirty lad!' was all the drummer shouted as a greeting, a happy grin on his face.

 

'Eh, hey Matt' he answered, his cheeks red.

 

'You gave me apologies to Katie?'

 

In that moment, Jamie wanted to open up a hole on the ground and enter there to never come out again. Even after that action with Alex _\- and what a good action, shit -_ he wasn't ready at all to talk about it and deal with its consequences. He felt the singer's hand delicately touching his knee, drawing small circles, each of his fingertips burning like fire and ice, simultaneously.

 

'I broke up wif 'er'. His voice was low but completely understandable. Both of his bandmates let their jaws fall close to their shoes, next to Jamie's quietude. Nick asked first, looking at him wide-eyed: 'Why?'. Matt came right after, but at Alex, confused by the calm and unsurprised look on his face: 'You knew?', to what the lad nodded.

 

'That's the other thing. Eh, there's actually three more things'

 

'No, you need to answer me somthin!' the drummer shouted. 'What?'

 

'You broke up wif her after having sex?!'. 'No, that was after it'

 

'Bloody hell, Jameh!' Nick said, surprised. 'You fucked someon-'

 

'Let me explain it alright? Its one of the three things'

 

The two lads stood in itchy silence before agreeing. The blue-eyed man looked at Alex. 'You still want me to?'. He smiled and said 'yes'. The two other lads seemed as lost as homeless puppies on the streets of London but Jamie soon began his explanation. 'One secret is mine, the other is Alex's. The third fucks both of us, then..'

 

He closed his eyes and swallowed, almost feeling the solid words obstructing his throat.

 

'I'm gay. Al is bisexual'

 

 _'_ WHAT?' came in unison, funnily enough like their backing vocals.

 

'I'm into blokes, Alex too, but he still goes for pussy somtimes'

 

'Yup' Alex said, reminding everyone he was still there. He looked at Jamie and smiled.

 

A loud 'fookin shit!' that was exhaled by Nick snapped both out of their little 'we are so brave' moment, and they were greeted by two expressions of pure maze. 'You are serious bout this?!', 'Yeah', 'Dammit! And when the hell this started?', 'Me, when I was 17 or somthin. Jamie in 2009', 'But what bout Katie and Alexa?'.

 

 _Now its asshole time!_ was all Alex could think

 

'They were in the same situation as you both'

 

'So they were completely oblivious you two liked blokes? But why the fuck would you even stay wif her, Jameh?'

 

'Eh, I used to think I was bisexual'. 'And wha' changed?'

 

'I fell madly in love wif a lad' he said with a shy, small voice. Nick grinned, small wrinkles forming on his beach-coloured eyes.

 

'That's adorable! Wif who? When are we meeting him?'

 

'That's the third one. And you both know him already'

 

'Tell us!' the drummer shouted as his hands fell onto the table, ansious.

 

The guitarist inhaled and exhaled quite brokenly before pointing at Alex with his head; first, he looked down, but at the feeling of the singer's stare burning his skin, their eyes ended up  meeting and locking. Nick whispered at Matt something around 'What? I don't get it!' but he was interrupted by the sudden 'oh!' that the drummer said and repeated in realization, his elbow poking the bassist's rib.

 

'Its Alex, you fucking dumbass!' was all he murmured before the other lad screamed an 'oh' too.

 

At the sound of his name, Alex directed his gaze at the two lads and the chocked look on their faces was instant fuel to a bright smile; his left hand found Jamie's right one and they placed the pieces together, like in a puzzle. Alex couldn't help but notice, though, how the other's hand was shaking lightly, so he got closer and whispered at his ear: 'Its alright love'

 

As Jamie opened his mouth to answer, Matt shouted 'God!', scaring the shit outta everyone on the table. 'Please tell me i'm wrong' he said, looking serious at the guitarist. 'Bout what?', 'I think I know who was making you breathless earlier today, then'. Cookie's expression changed so drastically that Matt took it as a positive answer. 'Oh no! Hell no! I cant believe you two were fucking when I called you!'; he closed his eyes as Nick's expression changed to nothing but pure confusion.

 

'We were not fucking!' was all Alex managed to say as his face got red.

 

'Oh, no? What were you doing, then?'

 

'Joost...'

 

_Ah for fuck's sake, I'll say the truth._

 

'Joost some touching, alright? Nothing too obscene'

 

'Are you sure? Your moaning was pretty obscene, Al'

 

Alex turned around and shot him the most embarassed look he could form on his face, his mouth hanging open as the words wouldnt come out. The singer punched him angrily on his arm and Jamie couldn't help but smile at the thinner lad. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that' he finally apologized, his thumb caressing the other's pink face.

 

'I think I'm gonna throw up' Nick appointed, receiving a nod from Matt.

 

'Ah, shut up'

 

'We are not even kissing in front of you. That's nice of us'

 

'Yeah' Jamie nodded, 'I would love to, though'

 

Alex looked at him and smiled, 'We could be making out to get you both disgusted, but we are really good friends'. 'Wait' Matt cut their laughter with a lost semblance, 'but you both aren't dating, are you?'. 'No, no'.

 

'And why not?'

 

 _The big question. The one that's worth thousands of dollars. And even though I know the answer, I don't want to hear it out loud_ Jamie wondered, the smile vanishing from his face.

 

'Cause I'm an idiot' Alex said, ignoring his hand being squeezed by the other's.

 

'That's not true, Al'

 

'Yes, it is' he turned back to Matt, 'Its me fault. Really. Jamie wants to'

 

Matt brought his hands up, as in defence. 'Please, don't fight over this, it was a stupid question'

 

Jamie brought his arm over the other's shoulder and pulled him closer, placing a kiss on his forehead. 'See? Its okay' he said and Alex quickly added with a sweet giggle: 'You're too good for me'. Nick made an 'aaww' and was soon followed by Matt, doing it too.

 

'Alex was a fag since always, but you, Jamie? Its rather impressive'

 

'Why? Come on, the actual fag here is me'

 

'Yeah, but you look like a right lady killer. Al looks like someone that sits on cock'

 

'Hey! I never sat in one, alright?!'

 

'Oh, you're not trying to convince me that Jamie is the bottom, are you?'

 

'Eh, I never sat on dick as well'

 

'Woah, that means you both never..?'. The lads got red, 'No, not really'.

 

'And what the hell you both do, then?'

 

'We are best friends that grind against each other and kiss, if you want to make it simple'

 

'The grind part wasn't necessary'. 'But you asked!' Alex completed with a laugh.

 

'Yeah, I know, I just couldn't help meself. I got curious'

 

After they finished eating and talking, while waiting for the bill, Jamie wouldn't stop smiling at himself. Not only for succesfully coming out, not only for Matt and Nick's support, but for Alex behaving as well. For the first time, he felt truly gay, if that's understandable. For the first time, he felt like this could be a life and he could do this all the time. He felt like this could work.

 

When they were at the parking lot, they separated in pairs and, only for annoyance, Matt insisted in going with Al, to what Jamie gave him a disapproval look but felt happy for spending some time alone with Mal. Before they said goodbye, Matt questioned both with an embarassed face: 'Please, answer to me, just one more question'. Alex nodded; 'What the hell you both were doing when I called you? Its killing me'.

 

Before answering, Jamie pretended to be busy fixing his hair, so he could form a decent phrase. 'We, eh, we were snogging on the couch and it evolved from tha'. 'To what?'. 'For fuck's sake, Matt. Handjobs. That's it' he completed, feeling his cheeks as hot as the Saara. 'Oh, no! So basically you had your phone in one hand and Alex's dick on the other?'. 'Yes, I had. But I stopped moving or he would be moaning like a bitch on the background of the phonecall'

 

Alex slapped his arm and shot him an angry look. 'You make it seem like i'm the only needy whore in the relationship, Jameh'. 'I'm not saying this. I'm just saying you're louder'. At this point, Nick was right by their side pretending to be throwing up and Matt was thinking about joining him before saying: 'O.K. that's enough, lads. I'm good'. Both smirked at him.

 

When Matt headed to his car and Nick to Jamie's, they purposely had some time alone to talk. As Alex got closer, he wrapped his arms around the other's waist and pulled him for a hug. 'See, it all gone perfectly, Jameh', 'That's true, but i was almost shitting meself' some time passed until he talked again, his head resting against his shoulder: 'And please, Al, stop feeling bad bout not dating, I couldn't be happier wif this and you have no obligation of getting serious. Promise me you're alright wif it'. Alex whispered a low, unconviced 'I promise' and brought his hands to his neck, kissing him passionately, while they could hear Matt screaming behind them: 'Ah, no! I was just going to pay the bloody parking ticket!'. They separated laughing and headed towards each car.

 

Some minutes later, when both fell in silence at the car, Nick asked for his attention.

 

'Hey, Jamie?'

 

'Yeah, Mal?'

 

'I need to tell you somthin, but promise me you're not getting mad'

 

Jamie furrowed his eyebrows, looking at him before to the road again. 'F course not'

 

'I'm worried wif you'

 

'Why?

 

'Alex is amazing, he's like me brother, but we both know he has some struggles'

 

'Oh, believe me, I know'

 

'I'm only hoping you're not heading to a dead end wif him. Getting hurt, you see'

 

'Its okay, Mal. I'm okay. Thank you, though, for getting worried'

 

'You really love him, don't ya?'. His lips curled in a shy smile. 'I do'

 

* * *

 

**3 days later.**

 

'Jamie!'. The lad turned around to face his slightly drunk friend. 'Lets go out today'. 'Fookin Christ, Nick, you're getting pissed already, that aint enough?'. 'Matt and Alex are going, you wont come wif us?'. 'I have a dinner wif me friends from football. They are here in L.A.'. 'Fuck 'em!' the bassist screamed, a happy grin on his face. Jamie sighed.

 

'Alright, i'll quit it earlier and i'll met you guys there'

 

'Nice! I'll call Kelly to come wif us, that's okay? I fink Matt is bringing Breana too'

 

'Breana?'. 'That girl he is going out wif'. 'Ah! Alright, from the clip, I remember now'

 

And just as planned, they met some hours later. When Jamie entered the club, though, he couldn't see Alex between the familiar faces; he approached them and smiled, greeted everyone, laughed a bit, chatted. Even if he was already having a good time, he couldn't stop thinking _Where the hell is Alex?_

 

He pulled Matt aside and asked him. 'Oh, that's a good question, mate'

 

'Wha? He was wif you, wasn't he?'. 'Yeah, but he vanished 10 minutes ago or somthin'

 

'Eh, alright, I'll find him, see ya'. Matt waved as he headed towards the dancefloor.

 

10 minutes later, Jamie had already gone through the entire club, every inch of it. As he walked to the restroom, he felt himself getting anxious. _He is okay, Jamie, calm down. Maybe he's just chilling on the toilet, he felt sick, that's all._ 'Alex?' Was all he had time to ask before the muffled breathing of two people hit him like a machine gun. After the word escaped his lips, a chocked cry came from the toilet and he felt his guts twisting: _Alex's cry._ Broken, low and _scarily hurten,_ but it was definitely from his friend.

 

Losing the control over his own body, he saw himself running towards the locked door. Jamie barely had time to scream his name again when a sudden _click_ was heard and a body crumbled from the now opened toilet. The thin, dark-haired and pale lad was _too familiar_ and the purple necklace he was wearing could bring nausea to anyone, the skin marked by strong, violent fingers. A second figure emerged from the dark corner, hands pulling his pants back up, apparently unaware that Jamie was right by his side.

 

He became aware of it, though, as the lad grabbed him and pressed him against the cold wall. 'What the bloody hell you were doing, mate?'. As he spoke, the american accent could be heard from miles away: 'Woah, who are you? Me and my friend were just having some fun, that's all' he completed with a sadistic smile, glancing at Alex, 'Right, darling?'. The singer was too busy trying to recover after the lack of oxygen, one hand on his throat and the other supporting his body; his jeans were pulled to his knees, just like his underwear. His shirt, rumpled right above his ribcage, wouldnt hide the other marks all over his back and bum.

 

The smile vanished from his face as Jamie threw a heavy punch on his jaw, getting him by surprise. Seeing the lad was way bigger than him, the guitarist hit him again before he could do any kind of counter-attack, as the rapist exhaled in pain. 'Shit, are you crazy?' he screamed as the blue-eyed lad kicked his balls and got him on the floor. 'Eh, you have no idea'. His voice seemed coming from someone else's mouth cause Jamie was blindely focused on killing him, and he could do it, at this point.

 

As he pulled the man up again, he brought his other hand to his throat and smiled at him before squeezing it senseless. The rapist tried to speak and push him away but the intensity of his grasp was emptying his lungs, his eyes rolling up, his hands slowly losing strenght. Jamie was snapped back to reality when he heard a hoarse and barely audible version of his name coming from right behind him. Alex let go of his own throat before trying to talk again: 'You're going to kill him'.

 

Jamie brought his hand back some inches and threw the other man's head against the wall, freeing him from his hold as he blacked out and fell on the floor. When he turned around, Alex was looking at him, terrified; _Jamie got completely out of his mind. And for me._ 'Oh, fuck Alex, what he did to you?' The lad asked before kneeling beside him, wrapping his arms on his waist as the singer slipped like silk between his fingers, weak hands tucking on his shirt.

 

Jamie carefully pulled the other's boxers and pants up, his eyes memorizing every single bruise on his back, his thighs, his stomach, apparently caused by agressive slaps and hands trying to stop him from running away. 'You saved me' Alex murmured as his breath steadied, burying his face on the guitarist's neck; 'It hurts, Jameh, shit, it hurts so much'.

 

 _And we are only talking about physical pain_ the frontman thought, tears making their way down his protuberant cheekbones.

 

'What hurts? Do you need a doctor? Maybe the hosp-' 'No! I don't need any of this, I'm- I'm fine'. Jamie removed tiny bits of hair from the other's face and smiled at him, using the back of his hand to dry his flooded brown eyes. 'Its okay now, I'm here wif you'. _Its not okay at all, but let's keep this for ourselves, Jamie._ The guitarist ignored the sickness he could feel surfacing his throat and searched for his phone. He selected the drummer's contact and called him; he showed at Alex and the lad nodded, swallowing his own sob.

 

'Hey Matt'

 

'Bloody hell, where are you?'

 

'Come here at the bathroom, quick. And tell Nick to call the police, would you?'

 

'What the fuck?'

 

'Please, just do it. Fast'

 

'But why do you need the cops?'

 

'Tell them someone has been raped, and the rapist is laying unconscious in here'

 

Matt let out the air he was holding and quit the call with an 'alright'.

 

Some moments gone by before the drummer rushed through the door; as his eyes met Jamie's and he acknowledged Alex's situation, he understood what was going on. He grew pale while looking at the fallen body close to the sinks and his head moved from there to his friends several times, as if he couldn't believe what his eyes were showing him. He crumbled next to both and brought his hands to his mouth, in chock. 'No fucking way' he whispered, caressing Alex's head as small tears were going down his face.

 

'Matt, I don't need someone else crying' the singer said in a hoarse voice, giving him a half-smile. 'No, of course not, sorry' he agreed with a sad chuckle, standing up. He looked at Jamie, looking for an answer, an order, but the lad was just as lost. 'What should we do?'. 'Lets wait for the cops, yeah? I think its the best idea for now'. Jamie nodded.

 

'Al?', 'Hm?', 'Shall we go out there? Maybe sit on the couch, drink some water, what about tha?'

 

'Seems better than staying in here'

 

'Nice', but when Jamie tried to get him off the floor, his limbs felt as heavy as iron.

Alex let out a groan before directioning all his remaining strenght to stand on his feet, but in the end, that strenght wasn't enough. The guitarist pulled him up and hugged him, placing a firm hand on his hips to keep him steady; he looked at Matt and the lad quickly opened the door to let them out. 'I'll call the security to keep an eye on him' Jamie whispered, pointing at the still unconscious man with his head, a disgusted look on his face. 'Just stay here for a sec'.

 

Matt nodded but, before they could go out, he pulled Jamie's hand. 'What?'

 

'Jameh, you did that to him?' He asked, without taking his gaze off the rapist.

 

'Yeah'

 

'Shit'

 

When Matt looked at him, he saw in Jamie's eyes pure _rage_ , nothing like he ever saw before.

 

What he couldn't see, though, was the fear hidden behind the blue.

 

* * *

 

The policemen arrived ten minutes later. Jamie and Alex followed them to the delegacy, so they could explain the situation; Matt and Nick headed to the guitarist's flat, to wait for both in there, while Breana and Kelly gone home still oblivious from the emergency. Since he was caught in the act and both were the only witnesses, they were soon free to go home, after answering some questions. The ride back to his flat was mostly silent;

 

'How you doing, Al?'

 

' _I must be fine cause my heart's still beating'_ he whispered without taking his eyes off the window.

 

'Oh, don't you come wif White Stripes lyrics to me, I want the truth'

 

'I feel dirty and disgusting. How 'bout that?' Now, Alex was staring at him.

 

'When we get home, you can take a shower'

 

'I doubt it will help. Its sticking into me soul'

 

Jamie couldn't help but notice how the lad was constantly changing his position, apparently uncomfortable in every single one of them. Until this very second, the guitarist hadn't assimilated the occurence: _Alex was fucked by that men. An agressive and trauma-inducing first time that its now printed on his system, on his already fragile self. Fookin' hell._

 

He couldn't hold back anymore and immediatelly started crying, even if silently.

 

 ' _Well, the morning was complete. There was tears on the steering wheel dripping on the seat'_

 

The guitarist turned around and faced him. 'You're quite musical today'

 

'I thought it was appropriate'

 

Jamie sighed. 'It definitely fits the scene'

 

As he parked the car and gone out from the driver seat, he noticed Alex's difficulty to stand up, so he quickly rushed to the other side and offered him a hand. 'For fuck's sake, I feel like an old man' the lad whispered before accepting the help and getting to his feet a bit clumsily. Jamie kept an eye on him while they headed inside, his limping obvious and stabbing his guts everytime he would take a step.

 

They stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

 

'Fuck me, I don't fink I can climb this'

 

'I'll take you, let's go' Jamie stretched his arms.

 

Alex hesitated but in some seconds he approached him and nodded. The guitarist lifted him for the floor and brought his body close before going up, step by step. _Thankfully I live on the third floor, and not in the seventh_ the lad thought wif a smirk; his mate is not really that heavy, but he isnt any feather, too. When they stopped, Jamie already breathless, Al knocked on the door. The bassist quickly appeared in front of them.

 

'Hello, Mal' the singer said, with the closest he could to a grin.

 

Nick got some inches back with a caring smile and opened the way so they could enter the flat. Matt was sitting on the dinner table and quickly got up, hurrying to their side, his shadow dripping worryness. 'How it was? Is that motherfucker in jail yet?'. 'Actually, he's in hospital, still unconscious, but he'll get there when he wakes up'. Matt swallowed, acknowledging that _Jamie_ was the responsible for that.

 

'I'll drop you on the couch, alright?', Alex nodded.

 

'Nick?', 'Hm?', 'Can you get me a pillow and a blanket from me room?'.

 

'Sure' he said already entering through the door. He placed the pillow on the sofa and waited till Alex was laying down to cover him up carefully; the singer whimpered in pain as he sinked on the furniture, but, after changing sides, he was comfortable enough to smile. 'You should eat somthin' Matt said, his eyes locked on his debilitated best friend. 'I'm not hungry'

 

Jamie brought a chair to his front and sat down, his voice low and calm: 'What about pizza? Really, only a slice its enough, but you cant stay wif an empty stomach'. The lad held his arm and noticed the sore purple marks, his body drenching in anger but his touch awfully gentle. Alex nodded, although his face got dark as he saw the tears sliding down his mate's face. He brought his hand up and caressed his jaw. 'Stop crying, Jamie, I'm not going to die or anythin' Al whispered in what could be a rude tone but just came out as tired.

 

Nick got closer to both and placed a hand on the guitarist's shoulder; 'He cares about you, that's all'. 'I know, and I'm unmesurably thankfull for that, it just makes me heart ache to see him, from everyone, tearing because of this'. The guitarist dried his face with his coat's sleeve and smiled at the lad, ignoring the fact he was feeling like shit underneath it all; he turned around to face Matt and Mal, 'There's a Pizza Hut in this same street, you both could pass there, order somthin for us and already buy some pain killers'. They nodded. 'While you're busy, baby Al is going to take a bath' he said, getting up.

 

'Baby Al your fucking ass' the lad said, not really annoyed. Their friends left with a 'see ya later'

 

Jamie grabbed both of his hands and pulled him up from the couch carefully, like he was transporting porcelain, and only let go of his mate when the same was already standing firmly. 'Oh, but I don't have any clothes in here'. 'Thats not a problem, you can use mine' he said while heading to his room, choosing a pair of briefs, pajama pants and a shirt for his mate, and one kit for himself. The lad, who was discreetly observing him, cleared his throat loudly to catch his attention. 'Yeah?'

 

'You, hm, you pretend to enter in the shower wif me?'

 

'It was me idea'

 

'I'm not pretty sure if I.. If I want to, is that okay?'

 

Jamie got closer and placed his hand between his collarbones, where the skin was free from marks.

 

'Its because of the bruises?'

 

Alex nodded, ashamed, his eyes avoiding Jamie's.

 

'Don't be like that, love. They will fade away'

 

'I know, I just don't want you to see me like this. Its disgusting'

 

The lad got closer and looked in his eyes intensely, almost dissecating his soul.

 

'You'll never look disgusting to me, Al'

 

'I am looking, now. The ones that I can see already got me sick'

 

'Stop this, alright? I'll be naked, just like you. Me body isn't perfect either'

 

'Oh, that's not true' he whispered with a smirk, his fingers playing with gold bits of hair. 'You're practically a greek god, Jamie. Its unfair to stand naked next to you'

 

The lad got red and pulled him into a kiss; not a really long one, but enough to make Alex's mind ease in peace for a bit. When their mouths got apart, Jamie placed a peck on his chin before pulling him to the shower; 'You really don't want me to enter?'. 'No, its okay, I guess. But can I enter first?', 'Yeah, of course. I'll take a smoke outdoors and then I'll join you'. The lad nodded.

 

As planned, Jamie knocked on the door 3 or 4 minutes later, the noise of water hitting the floor confirming that his mate was in the middle of it, already. 'Al? I'm coming in'; as an answer, he got a 'Okay' and a muffled sob. He slowly got rid of his clothes (and instead, received pink cheeks from shyness) and pulled the curtains aside, revealing a red-eyed Alex dripping water. 'Oh, love' was all he murmured before embracing him strongly, not giving a fuck about how the situation could feel awkward in normal circunstances. Today, nothing is quite normal.

 

Alex cried on his shoulder for a long time, his hiccups echoing in the small bathroom, his pain heavier than the drops on their bodies. Jamie focused mainly on not crying as well, biting his own lip, screaming _no_ to himself everytime tears would threaten to flood his eyes. Suddenly, the singer stepped back and buried his face between trembling hands, 'I'm such a hypocrate, I told you to stop crying and I almost melt in your arms from so many tears'.

 

'I feel ashamed for seeing you naked, even though I love it' the guitarist said. Alex smiled and combed his wet hair using his fingers, allowing freedom to his eyes from the dark locks.

 

'Can I ask you a favour?'

 

'Of course'

 

'Count every single bruise for me, would you? I can't see them all'

 

'Why'd you want that?'. 'I don't know, I just want to'

 

'Well, alright then' he said and started to analyse every inch of his body. Starting from his head to his toe (including his back), the list was already in 9 when he got to his waist; He quickly looked at Alex, like asking for his permission to keep counting down his hips, to what the lad only nodded in silence, a sad look on his face. Now, the shock on Cookie's eyes was hard to disguise as he swallowed a mix of anger and hurtness. 'Jameh?'

 

'Hm?'

 

'How many there are?'

 

The guitarist straightened up and bit his lip before murmuring.

 

 'Say it louder, I can't hear you' Alex stated, impatient.

 

23 

_23 bruises, including scratches and slaps and some particularly nasty marks on his bum and inner thigh._

 

'Which is the worse one?'

 

'What the hell, Alex?'

 

'I want to know which looks nastier'

 

'I would say... Maybe the one in your bum, in the right cheek'

 

**'Shut up you little bitch, I don't have time for your whining' he murmured before squeezing his throat and carving his fingers deep in the once pale skin of his ass. His move so agressive that Alex could feel nails cutting his flesh and drawing blood while his lungs were unfunctional, his vision getting blurry as the other man's hips were banging against his.**

 

Alex felt his stomach twisting and his body trembled, cold sweat being washed out by the water. 'For fuck's sake, Jamie, I can feel his fingers on me. I can feel the blood on his hands'. Jamie crumbled against the wall, his hands running through his hair, pure despair on his face; _How is it possible? Why'd someone do anything like this? And how could someone do it to Alex?_

 

'You should've let me kill him' he whispered. 'So you would be taken away from me and thrown in a jail, only to suffer the same? I wouldnt survive it'. Jamie ordered him to turn around and cleaned his wound, in spite of all the painful whimpers from his mate, to avoid an infection. When he got up, though, his face was serious, almost threatening, 'We need to go to the hospital tomorrow, Al. You need to make a test, to see if he was sick or somthin, and to make sure everything is alright internally'. The singer nodded.

 

'Let me see you, now'

 

'What?'

 

'I want to see your marks'

 

Jamie blushed, 'Okay..'

 

But instead of only looking, he memorized everything in Jamie's body by touching it: his thin innocent fingers caressed his thighs, his back, his neck, his belly. His entire flesh was mapped out in 2 or 3 minutes, and the final veredict was chocking next to Alex's: two small scars, four hickeys earned in a make-out session from yesterday, a recent scratch on his forearm, two birthmarks (one on his stomach and one next to his hipbone) and that's it. 9 against 23.

 

They finished dressing in time to hear their mates walking by the corridor, only to soon be greeted by Matt's voice through the unlocked door. 'Food is here!' he said, lifting the box above his head, like it was a sacred gift; as a result, he earned a small, genuine chuckle from Alex. While both drummer and guitarist were busy cutting the pizza, Nick approched his friend calmly, sitting by his side on the sofa. 'Hey, Nick', 'Al, we didn't had much time to talk, did we?'. Alex agreed with a chill blink of his exhausted eyes. 'I just feel like its me duty to say that you couldn't be in better hands. See that lad there?' he pointed at Jamie, who was busy making sure all the slices were equally cut; Alex nodded. 'You know him for more years than I do, but I'm not sure if you ever saw it', 'Saw what?', 'The light on his eyes, the warmness of his smile. He's an angel, I'm quite certain about it'. The singer looked down at his hands with a grin.

 

'No, don't laugh, I'm very serious. He would do anything for anyone in this room, and you know it. He almost killed that man because of you, Matt told me'

 

Alex smiled, but his face wasn't happy at all. 'What's up?'

 

'It actually terrifies me, Mal. That he could kill someone like this'

 

'Oh, It scares me too. And i'm sorry you were there to watch, but I know that Jamie is too soft to kill someone for nothing. That man? He deserved it'

 

Nick pulled him closer with an arm on his shoulders, hugging him, while the lad buried his face on his chest. They stood like this, with the bassist massaging his skin gently, his fingers talking more than his mouth, until Matt called them for eating. Nick made he stay down before standing and picking a slice for him; all four sat on the couch and ate, even though Alex had thrown in half of his pizza when the other three were already in their second ones.

 

When he finished, Alex got up - still limping - and walked towards the kitchen, pouring a glass of water so he could take one of the painkillers, hoping that it would allow him a decent night of sleep. The lads were deeply engaged in a conversation as he walked back in the room, looking for the drugstore bag; his eyes met Jamie's across the room while he was swallowing the pill. Alex slowly got closer to them and cleaned his throat - to catch their attention - before speaking: 'I fink I'm heading to bed now, I just took me medicine so I can sleep a bit'. The three of them smiled.

 

'Alright, Al. But before you go, give me a goodnight kiss' Jamie said, cupping his face with gentle fingers, caressing his jaw with utter adoration. The singer leaned down, their mouths encountering one another as both isolated themselves from the world around them, focused only in kissing. As their lips separated, Jamie whispered, still looking in Alex's eyes. 'They're staring at us, aren't they?'. 'Yes, they are'

 

They turned their heads only to confirm the idea: both bassist and drummer were gazing at them with amazed expressions, wide eyes and dumb smiles. Nick was the one to snap out of it first; 'Sorry, its just... Its so bizarre to see both of you like this', and Matt quickly added: 'A good kind of bizarre, though. I'm very happy about it'. Alex smiled at them and turned around, heading silently to Jamie's room. Before he could go through the door, though, Jamie called him.

 

'Yeah?'

 

'Sleep well, love'

 

'I hope so' he murmured with a unhappy smirk as he glanced at the darkness in front of him.

 

Alex entered the room knowing that he wouldn't.

 

After Matt and Nick called it a night, Jamie headed to bed too, sleeping on the guest's room - afraid that he could wake Alex if he got in there. The guitarist regained conscience 3 times that night, while the frontman only awoke once, his usually unbearable insomnia demolished by the chemical effects from the painkiller. The sweat on their foreheads and the free space on each bed were equally cold, as the only thing they wanted to go through the night was each other's touch.

 

Before he closed his heavy eyelids, Alex prayed for the first time in what could be ten years.

 

_Dear God, if you are hearing this, please don't laugh at the 20 years old men kneeling next to his friend's bed, cause at this point, i'm completely desperate. Assure me this was all a dream. Its everything I ask for you._

 

_No. There's actually one more thing: give Jamie the strenght he needs, cause I'm in no conditions to do it._

 

_Amen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs I mentioned in this chapter are:
> 
> 'Fell In Love With A Girl' by the White Stripes
> 
> 'Do Me A Favour' by the Arctic Monkeys


	4. Hell Of A Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alex suffers from everything his trauma has to offer and Jamie finds out he's not okay at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My computer deleted everything I had ready for this chapter so I'd to rewrite all since the beginning.
> 
> Having said this: I'm sorry!!!!! Pls forgive me for taking so long
> 
> This chapter is very angsty. VERY ANGSTY! Lots of angst. Cause, after all, Alex and Jamie are quite screwed. 
> 
> Alexa appears a lot in this one. Matt and Nick say 'hello' as well. The title is from a song by The Black Keys 
> 
> Hope you like it. Give me your opinion, I'll be grateful!

  
  
He shot his eyes open around 9 o' clock, awoken by a nightmare he couldn't even remember anymore. His back was sweaty, his breathing unsteady and an excruciating pain on the depths of his forehead was driving him crazy. Alex turned around to find comfort on his mate, but the bed was untouched next to him and he was greeted by solitude. He kept staring at the blank space as if Jamie would appear in there within the blink of an eye. He called his friend through the closed door, but the silence seemed to be laughing at his despair, so Alex got up slowly and, as he moved the door, morbid quietude stepped over him. He walked through the light coloured corridor as the fastened beats of his heart were echoing on the walls. 'Jamie?'. As his voice vanished, the apartment seemed as empty as before; the guitarist's scent was everywhere, though, incrusted on the tiles and on the floor. Or maybe it was just Alex's imagination. 

 

Locating his phone, he noticed a lost call from Alexa - _What the fuck?_ But instead of calling her, he called Jamie, and the ringing mobile threw him into a trance; before he could get lost in it, the calm voice on the other side of the line awoke him. 

 

'Hello?'

  
'Jamie? Where are you?'

 

'Oh, hi Al. I'm at the supermarket, buying some stuff'

  
'You could've told me. Left a note or somewhat'

  
'I'm sorry, I thought you'd stay asleep'

  
'Its alright, I just don't want to be alone. Please don't take long, yeah?'

  
'I won't, love'

 

'Ah, and... Alexa called me. You think I should phone her back?'

 

There was no answer.

 

'Jamie?'

 

'Speaking of the devil, she's here at the supermarket'

  
'Really? Go talk to her'

  
'Are you insane? She's going to slap me'

  
'Don't be silly, she's not going to slap ya. But its okay if you don't want to, it was just an idea'

 

Jamie sighed, 'You're right, I should talk to her but I- oh shit, she saw me' he whispered while waving at her. 'Please, promise me you're going to try and sleep some more. Maybe take a painkiller, eh?'

 

'I'll try. Promise me you're coming back 'ome soon'

 

'I promise. Now, get some rest. Bye'

 

'Bye, Jameh. I love you'

 

'I love you too'

 

Jamie smiled dumbly as he quit the call; His eyes met Alexa's again and he took it as a good moment to approach her, and when they were inches apart, she smiled politely at him, yet the poison in her eyes was undeniable. They stood in utter silence until her intoxicating chuckle got Jamie shivering.

 

'So that's how it is'

 

'I'm sorry, Alexa'

 

'Yes, I'm pretty sure you are. But are you sorry for me, for Katie or for yourself?'

 

'For both of you, cause I couldn't be more satisfied'

 

'I just 'ope you know what you're doing'

 

'What I'm doing?'

 

'Yeah. I 'ope you're worthy of Alex's love'

  
'Why? You think you're better than me? You're not worthy of him, never been, never will'

  
She gasped before answering, the violence of Jamie's words stealing her own. 'Yet, he loved me'

  
'Of course he did, and I've never doubted, not even for a second. But now, he loves me'

  
Her cheeks got red as her thin fingers strangled the bag of biscuits she was holding; Alexa shot him a repulsed look before going on.

  
'I can't see why. You're just a disgusting, rude, untalented pig'

  
'And you're just a bizarrely skinny, arrogant, manipulating bitch'

 

'Then Alex needs to find someone new'

 

'I don't think that’s what he wants. You can call him and ask for yourself'

 

'I will' she said before turning around and leaving him alone. Jamie sighed while looking for his hand-written list so he could buy the rest of the stuff. In the car, already getting back home, his mind was trapped between Alex and Alexa. The fact is that he knows the lad still likes her, and cares about her, and the idea that he might go crawling back to the girl if she asks is unthinkable, yet possible. He just hopes that Alexa wasn't serious about calling.

 

* * *

  
  
'Love? Wake up'

 

Alex's breathing was steady and he looked as pacific as ever with his hair messed all over his forehead; when Jamie touched him, though, caressing his arm carefully to catch his attention, Alex shot his eyes open and pulled away, using his legs to press his back against the wall, his eyes wide open. 'Get away from me!'

 

'Al, it's okay, its me'

 

'Don't hurt me' he pleaded, his legs glued to his chest in fear.

  
'I will never hurt you, laa'

  
Like a brick was thrown against his head, Alex's expression changed from terrified to confused and all he manage to do was breath in silence, calming down. 'Alex?'. 'Jamie, I'm so sorry, fuck'. 'Its okay, I know I scared you, I should've called your name or somewhat'. The singer's legs slipped across the bed as he buried his face between both hands, tears making their way down his face. 'Its not your fault' he whispered, and as he noticed the lad was standing like a statue, a considerable distance between them, he motioned with his head to be joined. 'Come 'ere, sit wif me'. 

The guitarist hesitantly got closer and nodded his head, sitting next to his friend, that quickly curled against his body. Jamie caught him by the waist and pulled the lad to his lap, carrying him like a doll and placing him sideways on his thighs. Alex rested his head on his neck as the tears kept rolling down his face, Jamie carefully caressing his back. After some time gone by and not a single word was said, Jamie chose a small bit of coffee hair to play with before speaking. 'Al, you know I'd never hurt you, right?' he murmured in a worried tone.

 

'I know, love. Its just, the image of you beating up that man took control of me mind'

  
'I'm so sorry, love. I'm sorry you were there to watch, I'm sorry I scared you, I'm sorry that shite happened to you'

 

Alex exhaled against his pale skin, 'I just can't understand why. Why you done that. You could've simply waited for the cops, he was going to jail anyway'

 

'I got out of me mind, that's true, but look at what he'd done. I should've killed him'

  
Alex slipped away from his lap and stood up, his eyes melting.

 

'Stop saying this'

  
'Its the truth'

 

'He's a fucking human being, Jamie! Its murder! Ending someone's life its way over the limits'

  
'Fuck the limits, Al. After raping someone, that wanker is nothing but utter trash!' he spoke, the anger painting his face blood-red as his legs reached the floor with a loud thud, his body lifting from the bed.

 

Alex stepped back, frightened, his heart going crazy and ricocheting against his chest. His flooded eyes got Jamie out of his high, fueled by the sudden burst of rage.

 

'Oh love, I'm sorry, I exploded'

  
The singer gave one more step back, his gaze changing to the floor, his teeth sinking on his bottom lip. Nothing but pure terror was running on his bloodstream, and all he wanted was the end of the imminent cardiac arrhythmia. 

  
'Al, please forgive me'

 

The lad inhaled brokenly but his eyes were still locked on the carpet.

  
'I promise you I'll never do any of this again. No more screaming, no more exploding, ever'

  
At that, Alex looked at him.

  
'Jamie, come on, you said it yourself: you got out of yer mind. You can't promise me that'

  
'I am doing it now, and I will keep me words, if its the last thing I'll ever do'

  
'Don't be so fucking dramatic'

 

'I'm not being dramatic, I'm in love. And in the second I saw you on that restroom's floor, I swore I'd do anything I can and what I can't as well for you, Alex' he stepped closer but the lad done the opposite, refusing to let Jamie approach him. 'So if me behaviour gets you scared, I'll rip it off me system and never do it again. I promise'

  
Alex bursted into tears as he pressed his back against the wall, and slipped from the cold cement to the floor with a sob. Jamie crouched in front of him but when he tried to get closer, the singer's hand stablished a space between them; All he whispered was a weak 'Don't'

  
'Al, let me help ya'

 

'I don't need help'

 

'Of course you do'

  
'I don't need your help'

 

Jamie swallowed the excruciating pain on his chest with a sigh. _Okay._

 

'You want me to call Matt? Or Nick?'

  
Alex nodded. 'Both'

 

* * *

 

_Ding dong_

 

The noise of the opened door was followed by both of their friends outside the flat with worried gazes. All Jamie whispered was 'Room' as he stepped back to let both in, and - without a question - they rushed to find Alex. Nick's reassuring, soft voice and Matt's protective tone were joined to Alex's cry as Jamie stood in the living room's false peace, his eyes burning as they turned red, and no longer blue. It took at least 10 minutes to make Alex calm down, but yet the guitarist didn't dare to move an inch, the aching of his broken heart already shifting to physical pain. _Everything was going right but now you lost the person that gets you up every morning. Nice work, Jamie._  

 

Between the desperate and breathless mumbling coming from the frontman, a special phrase that escaped from his lips three or four times made Jamie's ears tingle: 'I'm not worthy'. _Not worthy. Not worthy of what? I'm the unworthy 'ere._ In some seconds, Nick appeared on the corridor and shot a serious look at his friend, his warm and always caring eyes now strangely cold. 'He needs you' he whispered, to what Jamie quickly argued: 'He hates me'. The bassist furrowed his eyebrows, 'Where did ya get that from? He fucking loves you'. _Yeah, right. And I'm Ozzy Osbourne._

  
'Jamie, he's like that coz he loves you'

 

'He told me to go away. I terrify him'

  
'He's scared, that's true. But you can't blame him, he was right next to you while you were tryin to kill tha' men'

  
'Exactly. He finks I'm a monster'

  
  
Nick grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the room, but Jamie stopped him on the corridor; 'Are you crazy? I can't go in there'. 'He's alright now, an he begged at me to call you'. Jamie nodded and followed him through the endless hall; as he entered through the door, the guitarist barely had time to look around cause Alex abruptly crumbled against his chest. After he got caught in realization, Jamie wrapped his arms around his waist and sighed against his neck; 'Oh love I'm so sorry I screamed at you'. He tried to keep apologizing but Alex just murmured against his skin a calm 'Shut up, Jameh'. They stood in there for some seconds while Matt and Nick just watched, smiling at each other, because they could see - as clear as water - the bubble isolating both from the rest of the world. 

 

'So, the lovebirds are going to be alright?' Matt asked and, without moving his head, Jamie could see his smile. Alex pressed their lips together and Mal quickly added with a chuckle: 'Yeah, they're going to be fine'. As they separated, though, the guitarist held his jaw with both hands and gently caressed his porcelain skin, looking at his eyes in pure confusion. 'I don't get it. I thought you were mad at me. I was already going to buy lots of alcohol to drown me sorrows' he whispered with a caring grin.

 

'Of course not. I mean, we can still drink like there's no tomorrow if you want to'

 

'Why you begged me to stay away, then? Me intentions were the best'

 

'I know, Jamie, I had a breakdown. I guess your speech got me too high and I wasn't capable of stepping down'

  
'But you're okay now?'

 

'Yeah'

 

'Then nothing else matters' 

 

Alex entangled his fingers with Jamie's and smiled; 'Let's go to the couch' he said while heading outside the room. As they sat down, the scene was quite humorous: three casually-dressed men and a small, messy-haired lad in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear sitting in one of the already mentioned men's lap. They were talking and laughing, time passing by, when Matt whispered a 'Hell no'; Alex hummed at him in question but the lad was looking disgusted at the leather sofa they were laying on. 'Matt?'

 

'This is the couch were you two fucked, isn’t it?’. Jamie's cheeks turned bright pink as he answered: 'How many times mate, we did not fuck'

 

'But it was in here, wasn't it?'

  
'Eh... Yeah'

 

The drummer sighed; 'Ah for fuck's sake. I'll never be able to sit on this bloody couch again' he whispered with a mocking smile, to what Alex chuckled in embarrassment. 'This couch is kinda important for our story. Lots of stuff happened 'ere'. Nick smiled, 'Well go ahead, drown us in cheesy romance' he said as Matt giggled. 'Jamie told me he was deep down in love wif me in this couch. Then, I told him as well. We kissed, I took his pants off' at this, Jamie shot him a _really?_ look and opened his mouth to explain, but Alex was faster. 'Shut up, Jamie. We got drunk, and in the next day we snogged right here' he completed with a peck on his mouth.

 

'And there's still the part you don't know' Jamie added.

  
'Which part?'

  
'When I sat in here at 3 in the morning and ate strawberry lace while watching Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind'

  
'Fuck no' Nick blurted out with a laugh.

 

'I had a fucked up nightmare, don't blame me' the guitarist completed with a smile.

  
'That movie is terrible'

 

'No, its not! Its very good, aye'

  
'Whatever, Jamie, your taste in movies is shitty'

  
'Fuck ya, Helders'

  
Alex buried his face in the crook of his neck and placed a kiss in his skin, making Jamie shiver. 'Don't seduce me when Matt and Nick are here' he spoke in a laugh and the other lads giggled; 'I don't need more images in me head of both of you making out' the drummer said with a smirk. At that, Alex started to kiss him in exaggerated desire as Jamie grabbed his legs and pulled him closer, hands all over his mate. They shared a hot, wet kiss and in a second Matt was screaming 'That's enough, for God's sake!' and Nick was undecided between laughing and making a disgusted face. 

 

The couple burst in laughter and returned to their earlier positions with teared eyes, trying to normalize their breathings. 'That's always so funny' Jamie whispered and Alex agreed with a peck on his red cheeks, his fingers playing with the guitarist's. 'Al, you should get dressed, we still need to go to the hospital'. The singer hummed in disapproval but stood up, walking slowly towards the room. 'What ya want for lunch after we come back?', 'Ah, anythin really. I'm not hungry'. Jamie nodded. When Alex was long gone through the door, Nick shook Jamie's shoulder to get his attention; 'He's not okay at all' he said and the drummer completed: 'Nope'. 'He looks better now' the guitarist whispered without believing in his own words. 'Cookie, you need to keep an eye on him. He's a good pretender, he'll fool you'

 

'I know'

 

'And what about you?'

 

'Me?'

 

'You're going to be fine?'

  
_It doesn't really matter._

  
'Yes, coz he needs me'

 

Matt rested a hand on his shoulder.

 

'You're a terrible liar, Cookie'

 

'You can't fool us, stop fooling yourself, mate' the bassist spoke.

 

'If I'm capable of fooling Alex, it's more than enough'

 

'Why we'd want to get Al better if you're getting worse?'

 

'Cause he's me priority'

  
Matt pulled his face closer in order to stare at the guitarist. 'Don't say this kind of shit again’. 'But its the truth, Helders'. 'The truth me bloody ass. Your mental health is even more important than his'

  
'Don't be silly'

 

'If you get sick becoz of him, he'll get worse'

 

Jamie got rid of Matt's hold and stood on his feet, looking at the clear skies in front of his window. 'I won't get sick. I won't allow meself'

 

'That's not how it works, Jameh'

 

'Yes it is. You said it yourself, Nick, he needs me, and I'll be there for him'

  
'Stop being a dumbass, Jameh. You act like your feelings don't matter and stuff but you're ignoring the most important opinion in this flat!'

  
'Mine'

  
All the three lads jumped as the singer seemed to appear out of nowhere, now leaning against the wall. 'You should talk lower if you're trying to keep anything from me, cause I could hear every single word you all said'

  
'Oh Al fuck we were jus-'

  
'I heard it, I know you're talking 'bout me health. And I'm glad coz everything you said is true'

  
He paused to put on his jacket. 

 

'I'm not okay. I'm not sure if I'll ever be. And they're right about you too, Jameh' Alex said as his index finger buried in Jamie's chest, like pointing at his insides. 'I can't live without ya'. The guitarist forced himself to smile, each side of his mouth weighing the same as a planet, but he managed to. He brought his hand up and tenderly brushed Alex's hair away from his unpolished hessonite eyes. 'Its alright, love' he spoke but the other's voice was deafeningly calm as he answered: 'No, its not, Cookie'. 

 

Alex hugged him firmly before talking again, his hands tucking at his black, old tee. 'Why you treat yerself like this, huh?'. 'How? Its just me opinion'. Matt raised his voice, wanting to be heard: 'Exactly, Jameh. You talk about healing Alex's wounds but you have a bloody shotgun right in the middle of yer forehead and the bleeding won't stop itself'. 'You're getting it wrong. I'm not saying I hate meself, I'm saying we should just focus on Al now, that's it'

 

'And why can't we focus on both? The two of you helping each other out?' Nick asked, serious.

 

'Cause Alex's problem is more important than mine! Its obvious'

 

'Its not more important, its more aggressive, more visible. Your problem, though, is eating yer guts and you'll only notice when you crumble on the floor becoz you're empty inside' Alex said against his neck, caressing his back.

 

'But I...'

  
'Why can't ya love yerself as much as I love you? Eh?'

 

 _Oh._  
  
_That's a nice question._

 

'Cause I'm not worth it' he murmured in a barely audible whisper, yet Alex heard it and tightened his hold in Jamie.

 

'Promise me something'

 

'Anything'

 

'Promise me you're going to help yerself'

 

Jamie sighed, and kissed his forehead, 'If that's going to help you, love, then yeah, I promise'

 

'You can't do this for me. Do it for yerself or its not working'

 

The guitarist nodded. 'Alright'

 

* * *

  
  
'Mr. Turner, thankfully there is no serious damage: nothing internal, no risk of infection from the wound in your lower back, no breathing problems or any other consequential from the strangling' at the word, Alex shivered. The doctor gave him a comforting smile, 'You're going to be fine, from the medical point of view'

 

'Well, that's somewhat less to worry about' Jamie spoke with a grin.

  
'If you need anything, Alexander, I can recommend you a therapist'

 

'No, its fine, I don't want one'

  
'You decide it. But, as a doctor, I'd say its a important part of recovering from a trauma like this'

  
'I'll think about it, doctor'

  
'I'm hoping you will. Now, about the STDs tests, they'll get ready in 2 days, so you're free to come and get the results from this day on'

  
'We'll get on tour in one week, but I'll certainly pass by the hospital and get them as soon as they're available' 

  
'Then, we're done. I hope you the best, Mr. Turner. If you both have any struggle, you can call me anytime' the doctor said while giving Jamie a phone number written in the back of a medical receipt. The lad smiled.

  
'Thank you, Graham'

  
'You're welcome, boys. Please, don't forget to tell your mother I sent her a hug, Jamie'

 

'I won't' he said with a nod.

 

As they passed through the door, Alex poked the other's rib; 'Go ahead, ask it'. 'I never knew yer mother had friends in the US'; 'Oh, Graham studied with her in Sheffield back then, but he was called to college in L.A. and 'ere he is'

 

'He's British? You're kidding me?! He speaks like a proper American'

  
'Its been 20 years, its comprehensible'

  
'Aye'

  
As they walked through the doors, they found Nick alone in the waiting room, fighting to keep himself awake; as he saw them, though, he opened his eyes wide and smiled. 'Matt got a call from Breana, to have dinner wif her at 8 p.m. so I let him go'. Jamie smiled, 'I'm happy he found someone. She seems nice'. 'Yeah, she surely does' Alex completed with a smirk.

 

'And Kelly? How's she?' Jamie asked.

  
'Oh she's fine, thanks. A bit mad tho, that I can't tell her about yesterday'

  
Alex shrugged: 'You can tell her if you want to, I don't mind. I trust 'er'

  
'Really?'

  
'Yeah mate'

  
Nick smiled brightly, 'Thank you, Al'

 

'Its nowthin'

  
After they drove Nick back home, Alex called the other's name with a small, barely existent whisper and as he wasn't heard, he tried again. 'Jameh?'. 'Yes, love?'. 'Do you fink we could walk around Griffith Park now?'. 'Oh, yes, it’s not far away from 'ere'. 'Nice' the lad smiled 'I don't want to lock meself in the room again'. Jamie looked at him with a happy look on his face, 'Get some fresh air, eh?', Alex placed a kiss on his cheeks as the lad blushed, 'So we're okay now, right?'

  
'Of course we are, love'

  
'Thank God'

  
'I was thinking about sleeping at me flat today'

 

Jamie chocked in his own grin, 'What? Why?

 

'Coz he must be feeling betrayed, I'm spending more time in yours than in me own'

  
'Oh... Of course' he murmured sadly.

  
Alex inhaled sharply as he saw the hurt sparkle in Jamie's blue eyes and he hurried to fix his words: 'I'm inviting you to come with me'. The guitarist blinked twice, 'Are you sure? I don't want you to invite me only coz I made you feel bad'. 'Stop bullshiting, Cookie. Who'd cuddle wif me at night?' 

  
'So you're using me for cuddling? That's it? I'm your toy?' he spoke as if his pride was hurt, the fake angry look matching his naturally sardonic semblance. 

  
'Yeah'

  
'Amazing. I feel glad' he giggled.

  
Alex started to chuckle as well but then he internalized the joke he made to his friend, the same lad struggling with low self-esteem and lack of confidence. 'You know I'm kidding right?', 'What? Yeah, of course', 'You're much more than me cuddler, love'. Jamie smirked, 'I know, Al'. 'I love you, Jameh' he sang with adoration in his voice. The guitarist parked the car and let go of the steering wheel before turning around and smiling, 'So do I, now let's go' he spoke while opening the door and standing up, and then walking round to meet Alex on the other side. He wasn't expecting, though, to be pinned against the closed door and get assaulted by a passionate kiss; he leaned back after some seconds with wide eyes, 'Al, are you crazy? Someone could've seen us'. Alex sighed and nodded, 'You're right, sorry'.

 

'These fookin paparazzis are everywhere, really' he spoke while brushing away a rebellious bang of hair covering the singer's sight. He patted his back and pointed with his head to the park, 'Come on, laa'. They walked by the threes and benches and the small groups of birds fighting over remains of food as they chatted about everything and nothing. 

  
Two fans recognized them while passing by and they thanked God they weren't holding hands in the moment; they took pictures and autographs and the two girls were doing their best to not crumble in tears, 'You two are me idols' one of the ladies said - clearly British as well -and she received bright smiles back. They soon were gone between screams and giggles and waves and tears of happiness. When they walked by a couple eating pretzels, Alex held Jamie's arm in excitement; 'What's up?', 'Let's buy somewhat to eat coz I'm starving'. Jamie laughed and agreed, heading to a small cafeteria in the middle of the park, where they bought donuts and two Caramel Lattes.

 

They sat down in the grass, ate and got lost in time - before they could notice, the sun started to go down; 'Jameh?', 'Yeah?', 'Do you think I deserve a kiss by the sunset?', 'Its risky', Alex shrugged: 'Love is risky'. Jamie smiled and pulled him closer, his hands around Alex's waist (he would normally go for his neck, but the hematomas were still painfully sensitive) and his chest against the singer's as he pressed their lips together in no hurry. They kissed softly while Alex layd down, pulling the guitarist above him, who positioned himself between his legs with glued chests and brushing tongues. 'Bloody hell, I just 'ope there is no one around coz otherwise we just gave them a show' Jamie whispered with a grin at the younger lad that was staring at him in bliss with his mouth slightly agape. 

 

'Band-aids'

 

'Sorreh?'

  
'I need band-aids'

 

Jamie straightened up with a worried wink. 'Why?'

 

'Coz I'm bleeding through every pore and it fucking hurts, Jameh'

 

'Should we go home?'

  
Alex nodded as he sat back down, being soon imitated by Jamie; 'I'm sorry for ruining the mood' the singer whispered with a sad frown but he got as an answer a gentle hand caressing his cheek, 'You didn't ruin anything, love'; 'I'm so addicted to you' the smaller lad stated before closing quickly the space between them with a peck and standing to his feet. The guitarist did the same with a side-smile that melted Alex's body and turned him into pure liquid.

 

* * *

 

'Jameh! Jameh, oh God'

 

The so called lad appeared out of nowhere and kneeled next to the queen-size bed only occupied by one thin and desperate figure; Jamie held his trembling hands between his own and massaged them in an attempt to calm him down. 'He was here, fook, fookin hell Jamie, he was here in me room'. Without having to ask, the guitarist knew who was 'he' and it made his heart jump to his throat, threatening to come out of his mouth. 'It was just a dream, love'

 

'No, no, he was here, I'm sure'

 

'Dreams can be awfully realistic, Al, we both know it. He's not here, I assure you'

 

'He was standing by the door'

  
Jamie sat by his side and embraced him with a kiss on his forehead. 'He was staring at me, and his eyes were all black. I swear to God that I almost pissed meself'

  
'Oh fuck, Alex, you have been watching too much Supernatural'

  
Alex giggled between tears, even if his chest was feeling tight and non-functional. 'Its a good TV show'

  
'Yes, I know, you made me watch it all evening'

  
Alex giggled once more and he felt infinitely glad for having his lover with him, 'You're the only one that could make me laugh right now, Cookie'

 

'That's not true, Matt could make you laugh easily. Nick could dance for you, we both know he's the best at it' the lad spoke remembering the hilarious day when they performed a cover of 'Poker Face' and the bassist earned the greatest nickname ever: 'Hoodie Dancer'

  
'In normal circumstances, they would. But now, I feel like I'm being torn apart by the sticky fingers of life and faith' he paused to pick up his cigarette pack on the bedside table. 'And you're the only one pulling me out of this constant nightmare'. Jamie passed him the lighter and stood in silence while the lad smoke an entire cigarette by himself, what made he pick one as well. 'You can always count on me, Alex' he whispered between exhalations of smoke. 'The other way around, too, love' the singer murmured with a half-smirk, the bitterness of his chaos mixing with nicotine. Between so many lines on the web spider that his mind was organized into, Alex found one topic he was anxious to speak about, and Jamie would certainly be interested in hearing it.

  
'Jamie?'

  
  
He hummed and lifted his gaze. 

  
  
'There's something making me distressed bout the situation'

 

'You don't have to talk about it if ya don't want to, love'

  
'No, its okay. I want to'

 

'Then, I'd love to hear it and do me best to help ya'

  
Alex stood in silence, his smile covering his fastened heartbeat.

  
'I can't barely sleep since yesterday, so I don't think I'll be capable of having sex for some time'

  
'It makes sense, love'

  
'And since I don't want you to be sexually frustrated becoz of me, I just think you should go out, have some fun, maybe find a one-night stand'

  
Jamie stared at him like he couldn't understand his words. 'What?!'

  
'I know we're not in a serious relationship and that saying this is not necessary coz I've no right to interf-'

 

'What the hell are you talking about, Alex?' he whispered in question.

 

'You'

  
'Yeah, but why in the heavens would you think I'm sexually frustrated?'

 

'We've never had real sex, nothing happened since that day, and I assume - not wanting to be an asshole but already being one - you haven't had sex since you broke up with Katie'

 

'You're right'

  
'All of this leaded me to think you're sexually frustrated'

  
'I'm not frustrated at all, love'

 

Alex took the last puff of the cigarette and smashed it on the ashier, looking at him in confusion; 'When was the last time you had proper sex?'

 

'I dunno.. Since the night before her trip'

 

'Bloody hell, Jameh, that's more than two weeks!'

 

'I know, it’s a long time, I just haven't had the chance or time for it’

 

'Two bloody weeks'

 

'Don't worry about it, Al, you're not frustrating me in any way'

 

'In common circumstances I'd be going crazy from lack of sex, but lately life had been fucking me up more than enough'

 

'Why? When you and Alexa last shagged?'

 

Alex bit his lip. 'Around a week ago'

 

'That's not so long'

 

'Aye, it is for me'

 

Jamie smiled; 'You need to calm down, you nymphomaniac'

 

'Shut up, you wanker. How the hell you've survived through all this time without shagging anyone?'

  
'Eh, ya know, a quickie in the shower from time to time'

 

'So you're a real wanker'

 

'Its not that frequent, aye? Fuck you'

 

Alex chuckled and kissed his lips, his hands playing with the rebellious bit of blonde hair; Jamie slipped his tongue inside the other's mouth and pulled him slightly closer, his fingers fondling his back even after they separated; 'I'm sleepy but I don't want to lose consciousness and succumb to me fears again'

  
Jamie smirked; 'Stop being so poetic, I feel stupid next to you'

 

Alex hugged him tightly with a sad light in his eyes, his voice soft as he spoke: 'Love, you're not stupid at all, you'll never be, you're incredible'. Jamie wrapped his arms on his waist and kissed his Adam's apple with tenderness. 'Oh Al, the fact that you're trying to help me with the shite I've been through gets me so happy. I just wished it could free me from all these bad feelings about meself'

  
'That's me objective, love'

  
'Yeah, but here's the thing: it doesn't matter how amazing I feel now, in the end of the day I'll lay in bed and feel empty'

  
Alex chocked on a sob and Jamie worriedly locked their gazes: 'What?', 'Jamie, fuck, that's a clear sign of depression' he murmured with an aching chest. 'This feeling. I've read about it, that's exactly how depressive people feel'. Jamie took three or four seconds to answer it, 'I don't think I'm ill, it doesn't feel serious'. Alex buried his face on his shoulder and sighed loudly against his skin; 'I promise you, Al, that I'm not sick, alright? I can even go to the doctor if ya want to'

 

'I believe you, I truly do, but it still hurts, knowing that I'm the main reason'

  
'No, you'r-' he stopped as his cellphone rang on the bedside table, it was Nick calling him. 'Hello?'

  
'Turn the TV on any gossip channel'

 

'Why?'

 

'Just do it, you'll see it'

 

Jamie got up and rushed to the living room with the phone on his ear and Alex right behind him. He done as the bassist told him and the headline of the gossip made the lad whisper an 'Oh fuck': ‘ _The sweetest couple ever its not a couple anymore: Alex and Alexa are done for real, she says’_

 

'Hell no'

 

'She fookin told them'

 

'Yes'

  
They sat down in despair as a video of Lexa and Alex seen together gone through the screen, their once happy smiles that Alex missed a lot.  Jamie quit the call since he already knew why Nick called him.

’ _The pair, once pointed as the British lovebirds from the decade, broke up four days ago after a serious argument over the Arctic Monkeys' frontman actions. The model didn't tell anyone the actions itselves, but rumors of cheating and an affair are already spreading online. The musician was spotted today in a very suspicious position involving his band colleague - Jamie Cook - as a photographer registered when both of them were quite 'touchy'._ The image of Alex and Jamie beside his car on the park, literally **seconds** after they broke up the kiss, appeared on the TV. The guitarist was busy with the other's hair as the lad itself had a hand on his waist _; ‘The following picture fueled the earlier mentioned rumors and now some people believe both of the Monkeys could be together, but Alexa refused to talk about the subject’  
_

 

'Shit, Alex, shit'

 

'We're so fucked'

 

The singer flew away from the couch and ran to his phone. 'Alex, what are you doing?'. The voice on the other side made the lad go red; 'What's wrong with you?', 'Oh, hi Alex, I'm fine, thanks for asking' she spoke, clearly annoyed. 'Alexa, ho-'

  
'How could I do that? Fuck, Alex, you haven't said a word to me since we broke up and it hurts. It would be decent to at least send me a message asking if I was okay or somewhat'

 

'You broke up with me, Alexa, for God's sake. You should've called me!'

  
'I called, you didn't answer'

  
'Yeah, today! My life is utter hell since yesterday and I'm in no conditions to talk to anyone. Not even my ex girlfriend!' he shouted in sarcasm.

  
Jamie mouthed an 'Are you okay?' and the lad nodded back. 

  
'Your life is utter hell? Why? Jamie is not fucking you enough? Your leather jacket is dirty? Your bloody sunglasses are broken? Tell me what is bothering your little international celebrity life?'

  
'Fuck you' he whispered, his face red.

  
'What? Your album is not selling as much as you wanted to? Maybe you can't decide which clothes you're taking for the tour, hon-'

 

'I was raped, you insensitive whore!'

  
The tears going down his eyes made Jamie walk towards him, but the lad motioned for him to stop, drying his face with his coat's sleeve.

 

'You what?'

  
'Raped. In a fookin pub, in the toilet'

  
'I didn't knew' she whispered and it seemed truly chocked for the first time.

  
'Yeah, nobody does. Only three or four people. But now since I told ya, the entire world is probably going to know, am I right?'

  
Jamie placed a hand on his shoulder, in order to comfort him. The lad smiled.

 

'Oh Alex, I'm such a disgusting person, look at all I said to you. I'm so fucking sorry, Christ'

  
He sighed. 'Its okay, there's no way you could've guessed it'

  
'Jamie is wif you? You need help in any way? Or maybe just company?'

 

'Yeah, he's here wif me. He was the one that saved me, actually' Alex looked at Jamie with gratitude, 'He almost killed the rapist, you see'

 

'I owe him hundreds of apologies, please, give him the phone for a second'

 

'Why?'

  
'I told him terrible things today'

  
Alex nodded with an 'Alright', passing the phone to his friend. 'Lexa'

 

'Jamie, oh my God, I know that my apologies are not going to help in any way but forgive me for acting like tha'

  
'Its okay. I understand why you did that. Don't worry'

  
'No, really, ignore everything I said. You're the best person for Alex without a doubt. Better than me'

  
'Alexa, its okay'

  
'I'm so sorry for calling you a disgusting pig and all the other absurd things I said. You have all the right in the world to hate me'

  
'Its alright girl, I don't hate you. I'm thankful for what you said'

  
'Oh Jamie... You're not rude at all, look at yerself, being nice to your boyfriend's ex'

  
'We're not boyfriends, though'

 

'I... Sorry, I thought you were together'

 

'Its complicated'

  
Alex kissed his cheek and spoke: 'Jamie, could you give us a second? I just think we need some privacy'

 

_Oh, no. Don't do this to me, Alex._

 

'Yeah, sure... Bye Lexa'

 

'Bye Jamie. Sorry, again' 

  
'Its okay' he whispered while giving the phone back to Alex. He packed the cigarette box on his jeans and slowly walked to the front door, receiving a confused look from Alex; 'Where are you going? You can simply go to the other room, love'

 

'Its alright, Al, I'll just smoke a bit'

  
'Are you sure?'

  
The guitarist waved at him like saying 'yeah' and closed the door, heading to the stairs. When he finally arrived outdoors, small tears were flooding his eyes and he decided to take a small walk around the neighborhood. He smoked, exhaling big clouds while he took long steps, not wanting to come back even when his limbs started feeling sore.

 

_I lost him. I lost him forever. He's certainly going to fix things with her and I lost him._

 

 _For fuck's sake, everything was going right, but life couldn't choose me side, eh? Never. Why would God bother in making me happy, from anyone else? Its not like I'm fucking worth it._  

 

_Alex would never choose you, he has Alexa. Alexa is gorgeous, and funny, and different from everyone else. She's Alexa Chung, you see? She's naturally amazing.  
_

 

_And you? You're just Jamie. Nobody knows you, nobody cares about you. No one asks for your autograph, no one takes pictures with you. You're nothing. You're not even a good guitarist, after all.  
_

_  
You should just die, you see._

  
_No one would miss ya.  
_

  
_No on-_

 

'Alright, that's enough, Jamie' he whispered to himself while he sat on a bench. 'Alex is right, you're probably sick' he sighed while rubbing both teary eyes. 'Fuck'

 

He smoke four cigarettes by the time Alex called him. Jamie accepted the call.

 

'Al'

 

'Where the fuck are you?!'

 

'I'm just exploring your neighborhood, that's all'

 

'Its been one hour, Jamie!'

 

_What? One hour?_

  
'Don't be stupid, I left some minutes ago'

 

'No, Jamie, its already midnight!'

  
He looked at his own phone.

 

**12:21 p.m.**

 

'But..'

 

'You're scaring me'

 

'I just.. I didn't notice'

 

'Please, come back home'

  
'A-Alright'

 


	5. Standing Next To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie comes back home. Miles comes for a visit. Things follow an unexpected way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDEK 
> 
> I'm terrible at summaries.
> 
> I hope this is good, I truly do. 
> 
> Miles is a important piece in this chapter.
> 
> If you feel like it, leave me your opinion and suggestions :)

Before he could step inside the flat, Alex jumped on his neck right in the middle on the corridor, earning them a weird look from the neighbor before he entered home. They couldn't care less, though. 'Don't you ever do this again, for fuck's sake' he whispered against his skin. The singer pulled him inside and locked the door behind them, fondling his arms caringly.  
  
'Oh love, I swear, I didn't notice time slipping by, I'm sorreh'  
  
'I got so worried, I was already thinking that you were robbed, kidnapped, God knows, even killed. You know I have a fertile mind'  
  
Jamie hugged him tighter, 'I'm sorreh'  
  
'It’s okay. What matters is that you're fine. But what got you so distracted?' the lad questioned while pulling him inside the room.  
  
'You asked to talk privately wif Alexa and I.. I panicked'   
  
Alex turned the lights off in the exact second Jamie spoke, and he stood in dead silent for half second before turning it on once more. 'What?'  
  
'I thought you were going to get back together wif her'  
  
The singer shook his head negatively a thousand times before hugging Jamie. 'Of course not, Jameh! I don't like Alexa anymore, aye? I love you, and no one else' he spoke while holding him tightly, pressing him against his own slim figure. 'I love you too, Al. I love you so much' the guitarist said in a breath, inhaling Alex's scent. 'Then why do you think I would go back to Lexa?'  
  
'I don't know... She's just beautiful and clever and funny and... I don't know, love. I just thought'  
  
The brown-eyed lad pressed his finger against the wall and let darkness fall upon both, the small stars' light peeking through the curtains. 'I think I'm sick, Al' he murmured and soon enough the sob coming from the lad hit him like a hurricane. Jamie stretched his arm to turn the lights on again but Alex grabbed him before he could reach it, shaking his head like saying 'no'.  
  
'I'm sorreh about this'  
  
'Bout what?'  
  
'Bout being depressed'  
  
Alex held his jaw and locked their gazes, seeing the other lad's poorly illuminated profile. 'Why in the heavens would you be sorry for being sick, James?'  
  
'Eh, don't call me James'  
  
'I like to. Now answer me, James, why?'  
  
'Coz I was supposed to help ya, not to crumble in some dark corner and cry for several hours like I will'  
  
'Aye, you can't let yer sickness define you, love. You're stronger than that. You're the strongest one'  
  
Both layd down on bed, Alex resting his head on Jamie's torso, his calloused fingers playing with tiny bits of golden hair on his chest as the other held him by the waist. They stood in complete silence for some minutes, unwanted tears reflecting the star’s light on Alex's pale skin and Jamie's sun-kissed one.  
  
'You want to know what I asked Lexa?' he murmured some time later, without looking up. 'Wot?'. 'Her mum used to take medicine for depression, ya see. I told her that I was suspecting you had as well, and she told me some stuff, some **methods** that would make her mum feel better'  
  
'Oh God, you're unbelievable'  
  
'What? Why?’  
  
'Coz no one can be this kind naturally'  
  
Alex blushed. 'I care about you' he paused with a yawn, 'Let's sleep, hm? I'm exhausted', to what Jamie nodded and started to unbuckle his belt, sliding his jeans down and off,   
before pulling Alex - ready to sleep as well - closer and embracing him. 'I love you, Al'. 'I love you too, James. Goodnight'  
  
'Goodnight, laa'  


* * *

  
  
Alex woke up when the sun was barely showing itself, opening his eyes to the tender light escaping through the windows. Jamie, though, was still very asleep and, Alex had to admit it, he looks _so peaceful_ that it seems like he's the same from some weeks ago, when both of them were completely fine and sane and joyful. It’s true that they weren't together yet, but they would end up following this way soon, cause they were _meant to be_. That's what he believes in.  
  
That doesn't matter what happens, they will stay together. That no one can or will break them apart and both of them are safe from any kind of pain since they have each other to relieve their suffering. _That we're one another's medicine._  
  
When the singer moved, trying to relax his sleepy body, he felt his lower back sticky and a sharp pain in the same area. Alex slid his hand down the sheets in confusion and touched the damp fabric of his boxers, and his stomach twisted. 'Oh fuck' he whispered while bringing his hand up again and gazing at the red substance painting his fingers. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck' he spoke loudly before cleaning his hand on his old black shirt.   
  
Jamie woke up at the lad's storm and swearing, both eyes opening slowly and confusedly. 'What's up, laa? Its so early, go back to sleep' he whispered with a yawn. 'M bleedin' Alex spoke in terror while trying to get rid from the white sheets, unintentionally painting it red as well. The guitarist shot both eyes open and sat down, staring at his desperate lover waving his red right hand while standing up. He got up too and quickly stopped by his side, 'Where's bleeding? Did ya cut yerself?' he murmured, frightened.  
  
'No! It’s the.. It’s the wound on me arse. That one you cleaned. I fink its open or somewhat'  
  
Jamie nodded and kneeled behind him, his guts dancing at the sight of Alex's underwear marked with blood. He slowly pulled his boxers down and gasped when the fabric glued to his cut, the bits of dry blood - apparently from long minutes of bleeding, even before the lad was awake - hardening it to fall apart. Alex trembled and clenched his jaw in order to keep inside the urge to scream, the nausea getting him worse than the pain itself.   
  
When the guitarist carefully pulled the underwear down to his thighs, he could see that the disgusting marks made by nails are now purely blood, overflowing from the opened skin, and the idea that someone made that with its bare hands, everything added to Jamie's stomach complain and the lad took a deep breath with his eyes closed before trying to do anything. 'Al, wait a sec, I'll just get an old towel or somewhat' he blurted before standing, 'Pick anything, please' the singer pleaded and soon enough the lad was back and kneeled once again, doing his best to clean the other's pale flesh covered in red.   
  
After some minutes of applying pressure and some curses escaping from Alex's mouth, the bleeding finally stopped and Jamie couldn't help but sigh in relief. He rested both bloody hands on his thighs and glanced at the red on his fingers and on the towel. He swallowed what could be last night's dinner and looked up at Alex again, who was worriedly observing him. 'Jameh, are you okay?'  
  
He nodded and tried to grin but the gross sensation on his hands wasn't letting him think straight. 'Jameh'. 'I'm fine. I'm just, shit, it’s a lot of blood' he chuckled while getting to his feet. Jamie used his forearm to wipe out the sweat from his face before speaking again; 'I'll just look for somewhat to make a curative, aye? Wait a sec' he spoke before planting a kiss on his cheek and leaving towards the bathroom.   
  
The guitarist managed to calm down in a very short time, before Alex could come after him. Blood it’s not something that gets him freaking out, but its rather different from seeing so much and on your own hands. _Its fine, its fine, everything is fine, relax. Alex is fine now and you're going to be fine too and everyone is going to be fooking fine_ he thought before another twist of his stomach. Jamie opened the faucet and watched the flux of water going down the white sink before bringing both hands up and painting it all red.  
  
He cleaned everything the best he could and opened the drawers, finding plaster and cheesecloth. Before leaving, though, he picked up chlorhexidine and antiseptic. He ran back to Alex and when he entered the room, the lad's eyes glued on him and he smiled, even if a bit spacey. 'I found some stuff. I'm sorry for the sink, tho, it’s still a bit red' the guitarist spoke with a embarrassed smirk before kneeling down again. 'It’s alright'  
  
'I fink this is going to hurt but just suck it in for a sec, eh?' he stated with a reassuring smile before disinfecting the wound with chlorhexidine, causing Alex to shake.   
  
'Fuck, Jameh' he spoke before pouting intentionally at him.  
  
'Don't make this face at me, or I'm going to feel actually bad'  
  
Alex simply smiled and turned around, but in a second he looked at his phone. 'Oh shit what time is it?'. 'I dunno, too early for me' he spoke with a giggle before applying antiseptic and receiving another curse from his mate. 'Miles is coming today, he must be in town already!'. 'But he isn't on tour?' the lad questioned while placing a cheesecloth on the cuts and finishing the curative. 'There you go' Jamie spoke and placed a kiss on Alex's asscheek, being careful to not touch the sore skin.   
  
'He has two free days, so he's passing by for Matt's party today. Do you fink is going to bleed again?' the singer asked before walking towards his wardrobe and choosing clean boxers and a jeans. He slowly stripped off his underwear and - aware that Jamie's eyes were glued on him - tugged the back of his shirt before pulling it out as well. 'Nah.. No, I dunno, don't think so. No' the guitarist babbled while getting to his feet and watching Alex's little show.   
  
The hessonite-eyed lad teasingly dressed the new pair of petrol underwear before turning around and approaching Jamie, a smile on his pretty face. 'You're going to keep changing the plasters for me, right?' he asked with a mocking pout, yet there was a certain sadness on his eyes. Jamie nodded and opened his arms like calling Alex for a hug, what the lad quickly accepted.  
  
'Jamie, do you think I'll be free from this shite someday?' he asked in a whisper, his chin resting on the other's shoulder. 'Do you want me to be sincere?'. The singer nodded, but when he was going to answer, the other's phone ringed and Alex stepped back, only accepting it after giving Jamie a quick peck on his mouth and a 'Sorreh, wait a bit'  
  
'Hello?'  
  
'Turner!'  
  
'Ey Mi, what's up?'  
  
'Just called to tell ya that I'm in L.A. and I'm waiting for a cab'  
  
'Alright, we're waiting for ya'  
  
'Okay by- wait, we? Who's there? Did you already change girls, Alex?'  
  
Alex glanced at Jamie with a smirk. 'Not exactly. More like a bloke'  
  
'Wot?'  
  
'A bloke. I'm with a lad now'  
  
The silence from the other side of the line was quickly cut off by a curse. 'Is that serious? How the hell I didn't knew that? I always kept me doubts but I should've guessed about ye being a fag'  
  
'Aye, I'm bi. And no one knew'  
  
'Bloody hell, Alex'  
  
'Yeah'  
  
'It’s not any of me business, Its just crazy as fuck, mate'  
  
'I know, I know. I'm thankful that me friends don't really mind'  
  
'So the band knows?'  
  
'Now they do. I told them one day before the... The pub incident'  
  
'Oh. Anyway there's a cab coming 'ere, bye bye'  
  
'Bye, Mi'  
  
'You're going to explain me this story by details when I arrive, right?'  
  
'I will'  
  
As soon as he quit the call, Alex threw his phone on the bed and pulled Jamie closer again, holding his hips with both hands. 'Where were we? I want honesty, yeah' he whispered before kissing the guitarist and closing his eyes, sinking into Jamie and letting Jamie sink in him. They separated with a sigh coming from the blonde, 'Oh Al, I don't think it'll ever leave ya' he spoke and fondled his back in an attempt to low the impact of his words.   
  
'I know, but let me live in this fantasy'  
  
'You can't let it define you, eh? Its what you told me'  
  
Alex smiled against his neck. 'Oh!' he exclaimed before pushing Jamie back, 'I need to give ya somewhat' he spoke before hurrying towards his wardrobe and searching between clothes and useless stuff he had buried in there. He put a green t-shirt on before slowly handing a package to Jamie. 'I'm sorry its not new but I hope you like it' the lad said shyly.   
  
Jamie looked at him disbelief, 'Tha's for me? Why?'. Alex rested the object - that resembled a book or something like this - on his hand, with an anxious smile. 'Come on, open it up'. The guitarist simply nodded, still very confused, and carefully opened the handmade package that Alex made in a rush, probably yesterday.  
  
Inside there was a small blue notebook and a pen. It looks just like Alex's one, where he writes his lyrics on; Jamie looked up at him with a bright smile, 'Why you gave me this? It’s not me birthday or anything', to what the lad approached him with a hand around his waist. 'Remember when I talked about Lexa's mum?'. He nodded. 'She used to have one, that her doctor gave to her, where she would write everything she was feeling at least once a day. Then, her mum would bring it home and read it for Lexa or her husband and they'd give their opinions, discuss about it, help her subdue her fears'  
  
'So this is like a therapy?'  
  
'Yes, sorta'  
  
He looked down at the tiny notebook. 'I fink I can do that, yeah' he whispered while running his fingers up and down the light-coloured leather. 'And if you don't want to, you don't need to read it for anybody. But you need to promise me you're going to keep a schedule or somewhat'  
  
'I will. And I fink there's no problem in reading for ye, its not like you don't know me troubled mind' he grinned.  
  
'It’s just something intimate, ya see?'  
  
'Yeah'  
  
'And it remind me of your eyes, the colour of it. Bright, happy and, just like the closed notebook, you are much more than yer appearance' he finished with a kiss on his forehead and a hug. 'You're the kindest and the more wonderful person I've ever met. Do I tell you this very often?' the guitarist questioned before kissing him briefly. 'Now go get dressed, Mi is coming' he spoke and started to look around for his bag.   


* * *

  
_Ding Dong_  
  
'Alex, the door!'  
  
The lad passed quickly by the room's entrance and opened it, being greeted by a tired yet sympathetic smile followed by a blink of those big brown eyes. Miles dropped his bag on the floor before hugging Alex so tightly that the boy almost disintegrated. 'Oh, Alex, I missed ye so much' he whispered in that characteristic voice of his, fondling his back with long and thin fingers trained for guitar-playing.   
  
'How are you doing, love? I can't believe you gone through somewhat like that' he spoke calmly but his voice cracked when he gave a step back and saw the marks, exposed and intense when compared to the light green from his tee. 'Dear God, he done that?' the lad asked with wide eyes, as his face got slightly paler. Alex simply nodded while looking at the floor, biting his lip; 'Alex, bloody hell, I'm sorreh' he whispered at last before kissing his forehead and getting inside with his bag. 'It's alright, J- I mean, me love is helping me out'  
  
Miles turned around smiling, 'You need to tell me bout this!' he got closer and leaned down with an excited grin, like a child, anxious to hear. 'Come on! Since when you like lads, Alex? Why ye never told me?'  
  
'Again, no one knew'  
  
'Yeah but I'm your best friend'  
  
'I just didn't grew the guts to do it'  
  
'Oh, it must be 'ard'  
  
'You have no idea' he sighed. 'I like lads since I was 17 or somewhat'  
  
'And what made ya realize tha?'  
  
'A hot friend. I saw him wearing nothing but boxers and his astonishing arse got me sweating'   
  
Miles giggled, and someone else's giggle emerged from the guest's room. The lad froze and whispered into Alex's ear, 'Is that him?'. 'No, Mi, is a thief. Of course it is. Come here' he spoke while picking his bag from the floor and walking towards the closed door. Miles grabbed his arm and furrowed his eyebrows at him, nervous; 'Alex, calm down, I don't even know his name. This must be important for ya' he murmured.   
  
'Don't worry laa, you know his name'  
  
They gone through the door and Miles froze when he saw the only person in that room, excluding them. The short, blond hair in a military cut peeked behind the wardrobe's door and Jamie threw the blankets on the bed before smiling at the lad. 'Ello, Miles'  
  
'OH MY GOD'  
  
Alex burst laughing and stopped right by the other Monkey's side, holding his hand. 'Surprise'  
  
'You gotta be fucking kidding me'  
  
'Nope'  
  
'No, really, you gotta be kidding me'  
  
Alex pulled Jamie into a kiss, hands on his neck, their lips pressed strongly when Miles cursed again before bringing a hand to his head. The pair let go of each other and glanced at the lad only to find him smiling as wide as he ever did.   
  
'Wot? That's not the reaction I was expecting ' Jamie said while looking at Alex, who shook his shoulders in confusion. Miles kept gazing from one lad to the other with the same amazed expression until Alex finally spoke: 'Jamie, I fink we broke him'. The Scouser snapped out of it with another 'Oh my God' and approached them, almost jumping from so much excitement. 'Yeah, we broke 'im'. 'That's unbelievable!' the lad finally stated after some more giggles, stopping in the middle of both and resting his arms behind their necks.   
  
'I fink I've never been happier for you two. I'm sad for ye, tho, Jameh: Alex is a pain in the ass, isn't he?'  
  
The singer shouted an offended 'Ey!' but Miles kissed his face before laughing, 'I'm kidding, mate, you know I love ye'  
  
'I know. Now you've a rival, tho' the thin lad spoke before holding Jamie's fingers between his own and propping his head in the guitarist's shoulder. 'I am not jealous, that's not a problem, right Jameh?' Miles asked with a grin, patting the man's back.   
  
Jamie, though, thinks it's a problem. Not exactly Miles words, or actions - nothing related to the lad, after all - but what his mind connects sharing Alex to: losing his lover. And losing his lover would be a consequence of how boring the lad is, and that would bring it up every single struggle he was with himself. A storm inside a cup of water, but it was not his choice to be blessed with such a fragile mind. He smiled at the Scouser and spoke a 'Nah', doing the best he could to disguise the headache growing in his temple. Alex noticed, though, and got closer, asking if he was alright with a worried blink of his eyes.   
  
Jamie nodded, but the simple way his face was falling, the lack of the usual brightness on both blue eyes, Alex knew that something was wrong. 'Jameh? You're okay?'. He gave a blank, meaningless smile and the singer understood what is going on. 'No, you're not. Why you don't pour a glass of water for ye, and I'll follow you right after?'. 'Alex, I'm okay, don't worr-' he was interrupted by Miles' hand on his shoulder, evidently worried as well. 'Jameh, you don't look fine, what's going on?'  
  
'It's nowthin, Jesus, I'm just feeling a little low, that's all, aye?'  
  
'Jameh' Alex pleaded in a whisper.  
  
'Okay, I'll go for a smoke. Its nowthin, tho. I'm fine'  
  
The singer kissed his forehead sweetly before motioning for the lad to go, caressing his arm while he walked out of the room. In the second he was out, Alex pulled Miles to the bed and made him sit down, tears threatening to slide down his eyes. 'Al, what was that all about? What's going on with Cookeh?'. A sigh turned into a sob and soon the lad was crying on his hands, his fingers trembling. Miles hugged him strongly and pressed his lips on his temple, trying to make him relax.  
  
It took Alex some seconds until he turned out able to form proper words; 'Jameh is depressed, Mi' he murmured while drying his face. 'Depressed? Why?', 'I dunno, Mi. Its probably... I dunno, he's been so sad since I was r- since that night. It affected him more than it should', 'He loves ya. And he was the one to find ya, wasn't he?'. 'Yeah. Jamie saved me. He spanked that bloke until he lost consciousness. All for me'  
  
'It must be 'ard to see yer best friend and, well, yer lover being raped'  
  
'Since that day, he started to have some struggles. He hates himself. He's all fucked up, Mi'  
  
'So are you. That's why you're together, no? To 'elp each other out'  
  
'I wouldn't say that. We're together coz we love one another. Coz we need one another to heal'  
  
Miles nodded. 'Go there, he needs you. I'm going to take a nap, rest a bit, huh? Just go and 'elp him out'  
  
'But I don't know how'  
  
'Just be there for him'  
  
Alex nodded and stood up, combing his hair clumsily. Miles gave him a gentle slap in his leg and waved for him to go. In the moment he stepped out of the door, the guitarist was nowhere to be seen. 'Jamie?', 'Jamie, my love?', 'Jam-' with a thud, the bathroom door was open and a red-eyed, shitty-looking Jamie appeared.   
  
Alex gasped and hugged him tightly, whispering 'oh love' a thousand times but never actually finishing his sentence. 'I'm sorry bout making all that drama. I wasn't feeling alright' the lad murmured but the singer stopped his words by holding his jaw, caressing the golden stubble caringly.   
  
'It wasn't any drama, it's okay'  
  
'No, really Al, I just overreacted'  
  
Alex kissed him briefly before burying his face on his chest, his arms wrapped firmly around Jamie's body. 'What do you think about starting yer therapy now?' he asked, hopefully. 'Now?', 'Yeah, love, let's talk about our problems and cry on each other's arms' Alex spoke with a soft chuckle, smiling when Jamie hummed in approval. Before he could try and walk, though, Jamie lifted him from the floor and walked till the kitchen, putting Alex to sit in the marble balcony. The lad gasped when sitting down, a consequence from the cut on his bum, but he waved at Jamie to dismiss the problem.   
  
'I love when you pick me up'  
  
'Oh yeah?'  
  
'Yeah, being held by yer strong, muscular arms, it makes me feel safe, me protector' the lad spoke while smiling dumbly, his fingers entangled with Jamie's. 'Good to know, love'  
  
'Alright, let's start, ye go first?'   
  
'I dunno. What I'm supposed to do?'  
  
'Ask me something a therapist would'  
  
'Okay... What scares you?'  
  
'Fears...' he whispered, looking down, but in a second he was brought back to the conversation. 'So many, but one of them is taking control over me, that's for sure. The idea that now every single man is a threat to me life. I'm not talking bout you or our friends, but common people that I see on the streets. They scare me, all of them'  
  
'And why they scare ye?'  
  
'I see that man in everyone, Jameh. He's always there, waiting for me. I'm afraid that I'll have these nightmares forever'  
  
'And I'll be there to protect you from them, forever. To hug ya and make ya relax every single night. I'll never get tired of it or of you. You know that'  
  
'I know and that's what makes me carry on. I really don't fink I'd be capable of survive in this purgatory if it wasn't for ye'  
  
'Al?'  
  
'Yeah?'  
  
'Do you fink we're going to stay together till we're old?'  
  
'I hope so' he murmured. Jamie positioned himself between Alex's thighs and kissed him. It started as a small, delicate encounter of lips but they were feeling so needy, so broken that it quickly turned into something more passionate. The loud noise from the opened door didn't seem to bother them and they just kept kissing, Jamie's fingers fondling Alex's thighs, whose hands were too busy squeezing the guitarist's ass softly, robbing a small moan from the lad.   
  
'Oh shite'  
  
The pair jumped when they heard Miles' voice and Jamie's cheeks got blood red since he was the one moaning one second ago. 'I'm sorreh, I'm so sorreh, fuck' the Scouser blurted. 'I was just going to get a cup of water, I'm sorreh'. 'Mi, calm down, it's okay' Alex replied with a giggle, his fingers caressing Jamie's pink face.   
  
Miles hurried to the refrigerator, poured a glass of water and disappeared back into the room just as quick, shouting another 'I'm sorreh!'. 'Well, at least he interrupted us, or our therapy session wouldn't go anywhere' Alex spoke with a giggle before pecking his lips; 'Now, Jameh, I ask you the same question'  
  
The lad sighed.  
  
'I'm afraid for you, I guess. I'm always scared that I'll fuck something and it will turn it against ye. Actually, that's what scares me the most: that I don't care about how I'll be if you'll end up fine and safe'  
  
'We need to work this, to fix this, I'm pretty sure its just a poor contact problem inside yer mind. _We_ can fix this together. Do you wanna go back to normal?'  
  
'Yes, of course I do. We should fight against our fears and all tha' stuff'  
  
'Yeah'  
  
Jamie pulled him into a hug, small tears of gratitude sliding down his face and wetting his eyelashes. 'Thank ye'  
  
'I really 'ope me nightmares will leave me soon, so then we'll wake up safe and sound in each other's arms'  
  
'It’s what I long for'  


* * *

  
  
'Kane!'  
  
The lad turned around to find Alex waving his arm for him to get closer. Miles excused himself out of a conversation and walked towards him, Cosmopolitan in hands, his shiny black suit receiving all the attention - as always - like a magnet.  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'Mi, I need ur 'elp'  
  
'Alreyt. Wot for?'  
  
'I want to make Jameh a surprise'  
  
'Oh, that's adorable. Tell me mor'  
  
'You know the chords to _Only You Know_ , don't you?'  
  
'Surely'  
  
'Do you fink u could play wif me?'  
  
'Last Shadow Puppets' style? Yes!'  
  
'Perfect' he whispered. 'Do you fink he's going to like it?'  
  
'F course. He'll be in tears'  
  
'Happy tears, I 'ope. Now, go enjoy the party, I'll call you later'  
  
The lad smiled before turning around and returning to his friends while Alex sat back down with Jamie, Matt, Nick, Breana and Kelly. The two secret lovers kept holding hands above the table, craving for physical contact even if both girls are still unaware of their sexualities, and consequently, their relationship.  
  
'Alex?'  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'You're smiling dumbly since you sat down and ye didn't 'ear I word I said until this very moment. What's up?'  
  
'Nowthin'  
  
'Nowthin?'  
  
'I'm just happy to be here, wif ye, and the lads, and Mi. That's it'  
  
Jamie glanced at him suspiciously but shrugged it off and smiled. He leaned a bit closer and murmured to Alex in order to keep his words for themselves: 'I want to kiss ye so much, Christ. It's a shame we can't do it in public yet'  
  
'Maybe we can' he spoke, more to himself than for Jamie, when a brilliant idea came to his mind.  
  
'Wot?'  
  
'I'm just.. I fink we should officialize it'  
  
'Really? But yer lady killer image would be smashed to pieces' he said giggling, small wrinkles on his eyes.  
  
'I don't really mind, actually. I don't need any lady now, I've got you'  
  
'Oh Alex that's so cheesy, fuck'  
  
'I know, sorreh'  
  
They burst laughing and sat back normally, catching Matt's attention. 'Wot's so funny?' he asked with an arm over Breana's shoulder, the hilarious and gorgeous brunette he's now officially dating. _I wish we could be like them. Free. Happy. Complete_ Jamie thought, letting out an unnoticeable sigh.  
  
'Mind yer own business, Helders' the dark-haired lad spoke with a smile  
  
'So that's it? Ye don't respect me anymore? That's unbelievable, Turner'  
  
'Shut up'  


* * *

  
  
'So, how's everyone? Having fun?' Matt's voice filled the house and all the 30 or somewhat heads turned around and cheered him. 'Nice! Since we're all artists 'ere, I thought that maybe an acoustic song would be good, aye?'. The small crowd made approving noises and Matt smiled wide behind the microphone. 'Then, I'd like to call me friend Alex to sing coz he has somewhat for us'  
  
'Alex, what in the heavens a-'  
  
'Wait a bit, Jameh' he spoke before standing and joining Miles on the small place they'd use as a stage. Alex shyly grabbed the mic that Matt handed him with a smile and a pat on his back before joining Breana on the excited crowd.  
  
'Ello. I, hm... I don't really need to introduce meself coz I know everyone here. All friends and family' he spoke, turning around to see an encouraging Miles sat down on the bench beside him. Everybody in the room cheered Alex, some raising their cups and smiling.  
  
'The fing is, some rumors about me have been spreading around, and I want to say that they're all true' he spoke with a small voice, his chest feeling tight.  
  
'What?!' one lady asked and everyone was doing the same, confused looks on their faces, until one of Matt's friend spoke loudly, catching his attention. 'Sorreh, what did ya say?', 'I just.. Even the ones about yer sexuality? Some people have been sayin yer gay now'  
  
'Kinda. I'm actually bi'   
  
Between the surprised voices, Miles heard somebody making a shitty comment and he stole Alex's microphone, standing to speak when every single person on the room looked at him. 'That's a very brave thing to say, so let's cheer Alex, aye?'. The effect was almost instantaneous: plastic cups being held up in the hair, people clapping their hands and whistling.  
  
Alex - who was previously getting his heart melted from Jamie's wide smile and the 'I'm proud' he mouthed for the lad - pulled Miles into a hug before picking the microphone again and thanking the crowd, almost crying happy tears. 'Now that I've thrown it all to hell, I would like to dedicate this next song to the lad I'm so madly in love wif'  
  
Jamie's heartbeat stopped when Alex looked at him, like asking permission, and he nodded quite confusedly. 'That good looking bloke over there. His name is Jamie' the singer spoke and pointed at the mentioned lad - whose face quickly got red as everyone turned around to face him. He smiled and covered his eyes in embarrass, yet he was feeling unmeasurably happy. Alex's voice cut deep into the murmurs about Jamie's sexuality and he wrapped the entire room's attention on his fingers again.   
  
'Let's start this, then' he spoke before positioning himself in front of the microphone stand and smiling at Miles, who took it as a good moment to start the song. On the next second, the only audible sound in the room was the acoustic guitar and, a bit later, Alex's voice.  
  
' _I wanna see something that used to be in your eyes again,  
I'm waitin' to see it, you know it's only a question of when,  
And I know how much I'm missin' heaven,  
You know that it's missin'  
And only you know where you have been to,  
Only you know what you have been through,  
But there's better things you're gonna get into,  
And I wanna be there too'_  
  
With his eyes closed shut and his hands firm on the stand, Alex changed the space's atmosphere: in those few minutes, his voice seemed to guide the people to the limbo, where their souls would do nothing other than exist for a short period of time. When he opened both eyes, they quickly found Jamie in the mass of people, with his gaze locked in Alex and the most passionate smile his muscles are able to form. Their eyes met and they kept looking at each other until Miles played the last chord.  
  
The cheers and claps hit both just like a machine gun, making Alex go back to reality: 'Thank ye, thanks. Let's hear it for Miles Kane, huh?' he asked while clapping his hands as well. 'Good, good. That's all folks. Thank ye' Alex spoke before hugging Miles and walking towards Jamie in a rush, embracing him strongly when their bodies met one another.  
  
'You're insane. Completely insane'   
  
'I know. You're not mad, then?'  
  
'Why'd I be mad? I'm almost crying'  
  
'I just told yer sexuality to everybodeh'  
  
'I don't mind. I couldn't be more proud, me love looking so confident on that stage'  
  
Alex blushed; 'I'm proud of us'  
  
'Me too. And you couldn't have chosen a better song, after all'  
  
'That was a plus, I chose it in the last minute. But its true, the lyrics are painfully relatable'  
  
Jamie gave a step back and leaned on the wall, still holding Alex like the lad was a part of him. When he lifted his head, he found a happy Miles approaching them and smiled. 'You two are so adorable that I want to kill meself. I don't fink I'll ever find someone that completes me like this' he spoke after taking a sip of his third Cosmopolitan while Alex got rid of Jamie's arms and leaned on the wall as well; 'You will, don't be a fookin drama queen. We just got lucky, I guess, to find each other a long time ago'  
  
'Yeah, but you fell in love now, no?'  
  
'Sorta' Alex spoke before looking at Jamie and grinning; 'Our story is a years-long one. But yeah, we're together, for real, with no one between us since a week ago'  
  
'Just explain this shite already'   
  
'Remember when I told ye about the good-looking lad that made me turn bi? The one on his boxers?'  
  
'Aye?'  
  
'Cookeh'  
  
Miles almost dropped his glass on the floor with a gasp. 'WOT?!'  
  
'Yeah. Cookeh and his majestic ass'  
  
Jamie blushed and wrapped his arm around Alex's waist. Miles was still in shock when he spoke again: 'So you like Jamie since you were SEVENTEEN?'  
  
'Sorta. At that time, I just thought he was a hottie. We kind of, hm.. It just turned into something on 2009'  
  
'What 'appened?'  
  
Jamie cut Alex, 'Al literally just blurted that I was too hot and it was bothering him' he spoke, giggling, when the singer punched his arm.  
  
'It was not exactly like tha'  
  
'Tell me for fuck's sake' Miles pleaded, dying to know.   
  
'I told him the truth, that I fancied him and everything else, before freaking out. He followed me to the bathroom and asked me if I was gay, coz he wasn't'  
  
'And...?'  
  
'I kissed 'im'  
  
'Oh shit! And Jamie didn't get mad?'  
  
'I liked it. A lot' the lad spoke with a wide grin, 'I fell for him, ye see'  
  
Miles smiled; 'You two are impossibly cute, I can't take it anymore, enjoy yerselves' he blinked before leaving.  
  
'Our story is kinda cute, if you exclude the cheating and lies'   
  
'True' Alex giggled before kissing his cheek. 'Come 'ere, let's watch the stars a bit' he spoke. When they stepped on the backyard, the cold wind gone by them and made the lads tremble, even though they were with their jackets. They sat down in a double bench, pressing their shoulders together to steal each other's heat, looking up at the moon and the tiny, bright stars.  
  
'Jameh?'  
  
Alex attempted to talk three or four times before actually saying any words, his heart almost jumping out of his mouth, yet he knew it was the right time and place to say it. _Come on, it will be fine, it's now of never._  
  
'Hm?'  
  
'Would you like to be me boyfriend?'

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Only You Know" gets me tearing every single time I hear it. It's amazing.
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter??


	6. Stuck On The Puzzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Acrobatic blood sliding down their thighs  
> and tears of hope flooding their eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO here we go again. This chapter contains self-harm and blood, if that triggers you, I wouldn't recommend to read it. There's cocaine use as well, if that could be a problem to somebody, idk. It's angsty and heart-breaking but in the end, the temperature gets a little higher. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it. Leave me your opinion if you want, I'd love to read it <3

_Would you like to be me boyfriend?_  
  


__  
  


__  
  


The phrase was playing on loop around Jamie's mind. He could clearly understand the words but, together, they seemed to lack sense, and the loud thuds of his heart aren't allowing him to concentrate. He blinked three, four, five times with his gaze flickering between Alex's pink cheeks and his kissable, pouty lips that are closed shut, waiting for an answer.

 

 

'Wot?'

 

 

'Would you like to be me official, real, labeled, no-doubts-bout-it boyfriend?'

 

 

He chocked in silence for about two seconds before smiling wide.

 

 

'Fuck, Alex, yes, of course I do' he whispered, closing the space between them with a bone-crushing hug, holding him tightly before diving in a kiss. The lad climbed on his lap, his body seeking for the warmness exhaling from the other's, his hand tugging fondly in any golden hair he could find; Jamie pulled away for a second and the singer shot him a confused look before he spoke in a small, almost frightened voice: 'Are you sure ye want th-' but Alex stopped him by pressing their lips, making Jamie hesitate before separating again, 'Al, you don't need to do this for me'

 

 

'I'm not doing it for ye. I'm doing for us' he whispered before distributing kind, soft kisses on his jaw.

 

 

The guitarist smiled and kissed him passionately, small tears flooding his eyes and wetting his eyelashes - but those are happy tears, after all. Leaning back for a breath, Alex couldn't stop smiling. They didn't notice that Matt and Nick were running on their direction before the drummer spoke: 'Hey lovebir- Oh shit, sorreh' he interrupted himself as they saw the tears on their eyes, already turning around to leave when Jamie called him;

 

 

'Its alright, stay 'ere' the guitarist said while drying his eyes with his coat's sleeve and Alex done it as well. 'What's going on? We can speak later, there's no urge' Nick spoke, slightly worried. 'We just, I guess we're dating now' Jamie murmured as both lads gasped in shock. 'And we lost it? For fuck's sake we should've come out 'ere some seconds earlier'

 

 

'Shut up, Matt. I don't fink I'd have the cheeks to propose it if we weren't alone' Alex said shyly.

 

 

'YOU PROPOSED?'

 

 

'Why's that so surprising?'

 

 

'But you're... You'

 

 

'I'm a changed man, now' he giggled.

 

 

'I see! Oh dear, that makes me so proud and happy'

 

 

'I think I'm happier' Jamie spoke - even if it's not the truest thing passing by his lips today - and pulled Alex closer, the lad's head resting on his leather-covered shoulder, his hands wrapped around the guitarist's neck. 'So, what you were going to say?', 'Oh, yeah. I dunno if you care at all but somebody posted on Twitter about you two and everybody is going insane' Matt spoke. 'A good insane, tho'

 

 

'Fuck' Alex cursed, frowning.

 

 

'What?'

 

 

'Jamie and Katie were still dating, for the media. This is going to turn out a problem for us'

 

 

Jamie caressed his cheek, 'Don't worry laa, it will be fine. She will explain that we broke up before'

 

 

'Why'd she do that? She hates ye'

 

 

'Katie doesn't hate me tha' much. We kind of... I convinced her to keep me around. To clean our situation'

 

 

'But what if she tells them about the cheating? They could involve Lexa in this'

 

 

'Ye shouldn't get so worried bout her'

 

 

'I just fink it's not fair'

 

 

'It will be fine, you'll see'

 

 

Nick handed them a pair of beers and motioned with his head to the party; 'Do ye want to go back there? Maybe drink a few shots? I dunno'. Alex kissed his boyfriend quickly before standing to his feet and holding his hand, pulling him up as well. 'Come on, let's get pissed'. Jamie frowned, 'I don't.. I'm fine here, I'll join ye later'

 

 

'Wot?'

 

 

'The night is pretty, I'll just stay here for some minutes'

 

 

'Jamie'

 

 

'Alex, go there, don't spoil yer night wif me'

 

 

' _Jamie_ '

 

 

He stood in dead silence.

 

 

'20 minutes. Then I'll come here and drag ye by yer legs to the party'

 

 

'Alright'

 

 

It didn't take two minutes and Jamie was in tears. They weren't happy tears, this time. In what could be the best moment of his life, the last thing he was feeling was happiness. Jamie felt empty. Cause life loves to fuck him up. Maybe Jamie is being too harsh with it, poor thing, it's not her fault if her _job_ is to fuck people up. He won't forget what it's done before and he won't forgive what it's doing now. He'll probably just keep believing in it. _Becoz I'm a fool._

 

 

During Jamie's crysis, Matt sneaked out of the party and took it as the right moment to approach him, making the lad jump when he stopped right in front of the bench. 'Jesus, Helders, don't scare me like tha' he whispered, still looking down at his feet, the cold wind trespassing them. 'You're the one scaring me, Cookeh' the drummer said before sitting next to him. As he saw the neverstopping tears sliding down his nose and chin, dripping one by one on the bench and on the grass beneath his feet, he frowned.

 

 

'What's bothering ye, laa?'

 

 

'Alex told ye about me sickness?'

 

 

'Actually, no'

 

 

'I'm depressed'

 

 

Matt sighed, 'Oh dear'

 

 

'Yeah'

 

 

'Ye need to see a doctor'

 

 

This time, Jamie was the one to sigh. 'I don't want but I know I need to'

 

 

'It shouldn't be that bad. You're just going to pick up yer medicine and take it everyday. And ocasionally talk to the doctor, I guess'

 

 

'I'm not afraid of the treatment itself. I was just hoping it wouldn't get to this point. I thought I'd fight it'

 

 

'You are fighting it, mate, but it's giving some nasty punches back. You just need a bit of help, Jameh' he spoke with a reassuring pat on his back. The guitarist sighed brokenly before finally looking at his friend with red eyes and red cheeks from the cold wind. 'How's Alex?' Jamie managed to ask, his voice devastatingly weak.

 

 

'He's alright. He found some coke, tho, and he seemed very excited to sniff it' Matt said with a blink of his eyes.

 

 

'Oh'

 

'You shouldn't get worr-'

 

 

'I'm not worried' he quickly added, regreting the tone after blurting it out. 'Sorreh, I didn't meant to sound rude'

 

 

Matt smiled, 'It's nothing, laa'

 

 

'Alex is a grown-up, he knows what he's doing. I hope'

 

 

'He's with Nick, he's safe'

 

 

After some more talking, Matt finally succeeded in bringing Jamie back to the warm house, worried that the lad could get a cold or somewhat. The blue-eyed man was feeling miserable but Matt's company - and maybe the weed the drummer kindly offered - was enought to clear his mind for some time, relieving the tightness on his chest.

 

 

It didn't last long, though. 

 

 

A hasty Nick appeared on their front and, even if he looked concerned, the pleasing bliss from the pot caused Jamie to smile dumbly before asking what was going on. 'Its Alex' he spoke, clearly nervous, 'He's having a bad comedown, I guess'. The guitarist's eyes widened before he got up in a jump. 'What's wrong?'

 

 

'He's screaming at himself and crying desperately in front of the mirror'

 

'Oh God' was all he managed to whisper as he found himself running to the bathroom; They had been in this situation once and Jamie was really hoping it wouldn't end up anything at all like that night. When he opened the door, he found a shirtless Alex staring blankly at the cracked mirror, a piece of glass on his hand. He didn't turn around when Jamie walked through the door - with Matt and Nick right behind him - and he wasn't interested in doing it anytime soon, so Jamie just observed him before whispering his name. His answer was cold and almost lifeless, his usually sweet voice tone now exchanged by a disappointed one. 'Jamie, love, is that you?' Alex asked without taking his gaze off the splits disordering his reflection. 'Yes, its me, Al. What are you doing, babeh?'. He was so concerned that his voice was barelly audible; 'Jamie, answer me'

 

 

'Yeah'

 

 

'I want yer honesty'

 

 

'Always'

 

 

'Why do I look better when I can't see me?'

 

 

'Sorry?' he asked, confused.

 

 

'Before, looking at the mirror was quite painful, I could see meself _complete,_ and that's not me. Now that it's broken, it fits me more'

 

 

Jamie's heartbeat was sky-high levels, and he gave one more step before cautiously placing a hand in Alex's shoulder. He didn't move at all, so the guitarist fondled his skin for a bit, the lad's eyes still glued to his shattered reflection. 'Alex, me love, can I take this piece of glass yer holding?'. The lad nodded, his gaze changing to the tiles on the floor, covered in small pieces of glass. Thankfully, both are wearing their shoes. Jamie slowly wrapped his fingers around his wrist, sliding it down carefully until he found him firmly grabbing the object. He picked it - when Alex's fingers relaxed at his touch - and rested it on the sink before noticing that one of its sides was blood-red. 'Shit, Alex, ye cut yerself' Jamie spoke, bringing Alex's hand up and seeing the superficial cut in his palm, bleeding.

 

 

The gasp coming from Matt, as he saw blood, was enough to bring Alex back to reality and a desperate scream from the bottom of his throat filled the room as he saw his own hand, panic taking over him. 'Alex, calm down, it's okay, it's nowthin' the guitarist spoke while hugging him, motioning for the other two lads to leave, what they did after closing the bathroom door. 'It's okay, it's okay, I'm here wif ya' he spoke, Alex sobbing in pure sorrow against the fabric of his Black Sabbath shirt. 

 

 

'Alex, let me just clean yer hand, and then I'll help ya, O.K.?'

 

 

Alex nodded before letting go of him, his heart beating absurdly fast and his breathing uneven. Jamie quickly found something to do a plaster and done everything he could for Alex's hand, making a simple curative. He placed a kiss in Alex's cheek before speaking again, 'Love, you're just having a bad comedown, it's alright. I'll help ye out, okay?'. The lad nodded again, his head aching like hell and a devastating feeling that he's worthless taking over him. He had bad comedowns before, he knows it's a consequence from using coke, but everytime is just so fucking strong he feels like dying.

 

 

'How many lines did ye sniff?'

 

 

'I dunno' he whispered, rubbing his temple, 'maybe 3'

 

 

Jamie hummed in answer while thinking of somewhere to lay Alex down until his eyes met the tub. _It should work_. 'Alex, come 'ere love, let's lay you down on the tub' he spoke caringly, caressing his back. 'But I don't need a shower' the singer said, very confused, unable to concentrate in anything. 'I know, I know, but ye need to calm down. Come 'ere' he proposed, again. This time, Alex simply agreed and got closer, taking off his shoes to enter the tub before turning around. 'Enter wif me'. Jamie smiled and nodded, 'Alright'. The guitarist layd down first and Alex used his body as a support, resting on top of him with their chests pressed. Jamie held him strongly before moving to rest his back against the tub's wall, sitting down and carefully placing Alex between his legs, his head resting on his shoulder. 'There you go, now breathe'

 

 

'I am breathing'

 

 

'No, focus only on breathing'

 

 

'I can't focus on shit'

 

 

'Try to. Focus on me voice, then. Just me voice, nowthin else' 

 

Alex closed his tired eyes, his sweaty mop sticking to his forehead, his limbs feeling heavy. Jamie slid his hand down his chest, countouring the bruises that now are already fading away, his fingers carefully drawing meaningless forms on his warm skin. 'It's okay, just breathe, love' he murmured. 'Jamie' the singer called, both eyes still closed, 'Yeah?', 'Sing for me' he pleaded.

 

 

'Alex..'

 

 

'Please, Cookeh'

 

 

'Alright. What ye want me to sing?'

 

 

'I dunno, just sing. I feel like shite'

 

 

Jamie traced a line from his collarbones to his navel, his fingers showering Alex's body in goosebumps. When he finally chose a song, he cleared his throat and concentrated only in the singer's back pressed against his chest and in the tune's lyrics.

 

 

' _I'm looking through you, where did you go?_

_I thought I knew you, what did I know?_

_You don't look different but you have changed_

_I'm looking through you, You're not the same_ '

 

 

As he finished his singing, some time later, he looked down at Alex and found the lad's eyes shot open, staring at the wall. When Jamie brushed a few bangs away from his face, the singer looked up and smiled crookedly, making Jamie melt. 'That was amazing, love' he whispered, and Jamie's cheeks burned red as soon as his words came out. 'The last time you complimented me about me singing, you were drunk. Now, you are kinda out of yer mind. I can't quite believe in ye' he spoke with a grin, his other hand caressing Alex's tummy.

 

 

'Jamie?'

 

 

'Yes?'

 

 

'Today I experienced what you've been feeling like and _I'm sorreh_ '

 

 

'Wot?'

 

 

'Now I'm a bit better but I was feeling like total and utter trash. Worthless'

 

 

Jamie sighed, 'Its all from the coke, me love. I'm sad ye gone through this, Al. It's a terrible state, the one I am right now'

 

 

Alex placed his hand over Jamie's fingers - the ones fondling his stomach - and squeezed them softly. 

 

 

'I'm going to see a doctor, Al' 

 

 

'Really?'

 

 

'Yeah, love. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It fucking hurts that I can't feel happy with ye or with anyone, lately. I just want to enjoy me boyfriend's company without feeling shitty all the time'

 

 

Alex turned around and pressed their lips, stealing a surprised 'hm' from the lad underneath him. They were kissing passionately when Nick and Matt opened the door, causing them to separate before facing their band mates. 'So, you're better now, Alex?' the drummer asked, visibly worried. The lad smiled tiredly and nodded before speaking 'I'm alright'. Nick approached the tub and kneeled down with a sigh, 'Ye scared the shit outta me, Turner, for fuck's sake'

 

 

'Sorreh, Mal'

 

 

He waved it off before smiling at the couple, the wrinkles around his eyes giving him a sympathetic semblance. 'Jamie?', 'Yeah, love?', 'Can we... Can we go 'ome? This party is getting me anxious' Alex spoke with a frown, his nose buried in the guitarist's collarbone. 'Yes, sure. Its probably the coke, tho' he reasoned, carefully fondling Alex's back. 'Ye need to eat somewhat and drink water, otherwise ye're not getting better anytime soon' he paused before turning around to look at his other friend, 'Matt, can ye hand me Alex's shirt?' to what the lad threw him the solicited item. 'Thanks'

 

 

When Alex was dressed and, well, looking decent again, they got out of the bathroom. They said their goodbyes and where soon on the car, heading to Alex's flat. The lad itself was restless, both sleepy eyes barely open although his mind was 100 km per hour and accelerating. He didn't heard the first three times Jamie called his name, but on the fourth he turned his head and smiled, exhausted.

 

 

'Sorry, love, what you were saying?'

 

 

'The STDs results come out tomorrow, Al. Do ye want me to pick them for ye?'

 

 

'Oh, shit, I'd forgotten about it, completely. But nah, I want to go as well, I want to see wif me eyes if me life's fucked or not'

 

  


_Correcting: if me life is more fucked or not_ he thought with a sigh. Alex, now, got even more anxious than before, the comedown's effects only adding to his despair. The trauma? He could - and would - get over it, but getting HIV or syphilis or somewhat like that was something terrifying. He felt tears roaming down his face and his voice break painfully as he asked Jamie:

 

 

' _Would you stay wif me if I'd got sick?_ '

 

 

The car abruptly stopped in the deserted street they were passing by, and Jamie looked at him in pure sorrow before speaking: 'Alex, Jesus, I would never leave ye. No matter the situation or the problems we're going through, aye?'. Alex's heart was still pounding from the sudden brake and it took him an entire minute to calm down and answer, while Jamie started the car again and apologized hundreds of times for overreacting. 'But I could pass it to ye' the singer whispered, both teary eyes gazing at his trembling hands. 

 

 

'I don't mind. We'd get treated together and fight together. Just like I'm willing to risk me mental health for ye, a physical disease would be nothing. Its not yer fault, tho, I'm just a depressed jerk' he spoke, his eyebrows furrowed, concentrated on the road. 

 

 

'Oh Jamie, what I did to deserve ye?'

 

 

'The other way around is a mistery too' the guitarist grinned, but Alex was pretty much serious, his anxiety growing stronger and stronger each time Jamie's self-esteem would get a step lower. 'Ye're not helping, Cookeh' he said, sadly.

 

 

'I'm not helping wot?'

 

 

'Me anxiety. Everytime you bullshit about yerself, me head aches more and me chest feels tighter. Please, stop being so harsh at yerself. It literally hurts'

 

 

* * *

 

 

In the heat of the morning, Alex woke up to an empty bed. He took a painkiller yesterday and thankfully he managed to sleep besides the discomfort from the comedown. Jamie obligated him to drink three bottles of water and eat Chinese food against his will. The guitarist, though, didn't put anything in and the last thing he ate was yesterday's breakfast. _This_ was getting Alex nervous. The singer - before getting out of bed - unlocked his phone and did a quick research about depression, in an attempt to understand what's going on inside Jamie's skull.

 

 

**A depressive person eats too much or has no appetite. It changes radically and, in most of the cases, there's no in between.**

 

 

'Fuck' he murmured under his breath.

 

 

**A depressive person tends to feel helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness.**

 

 

His eyes started to flood. 'Jamie?'

 

 

**A depressive person can't control her/his negative thoughts, no matter how hard she/he tries.**

 

 

'Jamie? Come here, love'

 

 

**In serious cases, the person has thoughts that life is not worth living and it may submit itself into self-harm and suicide at-**

 

 

'JAMIE'

 

 

The silence was driving him insane and every second that gone by without an answer, Alex felt sicker. He got up clumsily and stepped out of the door, his stomach feeling heavier than ever. 

 

 

'Jamie, love, you're getting me worried'

 

 

A sob came from the closed bathroom and Alex's felt it like a cannonbal was point-blank shot against his guts. He opened the door without thinking twice and he was greeted by a naked Jamie taking a shower, hidden behind the curtains and between the steam fulfilling the room. The noise of something falling on the floor came in time with the guitarist's surprised curse. 'Jesus, Jamie, I'm sorreh. I heard a sob and hurried to get in here. You're fine?'

 

  


_I don't think I can answer this without hurting ye._

 

 

The guitarist whispered an 'Yeah, yeah, 'm okay' but as he leaned down to pick up the razor he accidentally dropped, Alex got closer and moved the curtains. Not too much, but enough to see the blood dissolving in the water and sliding down Jamie's thigh. Jamie stood in shock before trying to speak and defend himself: 'Al, It's not what it looks like'

 

 

All he got as an answer was Alex dropping onto the floor, his knees being used as support on the cold tiles, an inhuman noise escaping his mouth. He buried his face between both hands and the burning tears took over his entire face, getting him unable to see anything straight. _Oh no, no, Jamie, why? Jesus Christ, God, no. Fookin hell._

 

 

'Alex no, please, listen to m-'

 

 

'WHY?' he screamed and Jamie almost tripped with the intensity of his voice. 'You're trying to convince me this was an accident? Coz I'm not that stupid, Jamie'

 

 

'No, Alex, w-'

 

 

'Why'd you do that?' he questioned between desperate gulps for air. Jamie turned the shower off and dried himself quickly, throwing his boxers on. He kneeled next to Al - ignoring completely the cut that kept bleeding down his skin - and placed a hand over his shoulders; the lad shivered at his touch but eventually he gave up, curling next to the guitarist's body. 'Alex, please, understand me side. I'm not trying to kill meself' he begged in a hoarse voice, in the verge of crying as well. 

 

 

'Explain to me, why?'

 

 

'I'm in pain. And everytime I cut meself, it feels like the physical aching relieves me internal problems. I know its a terrible thing to do but I needed to try' 

 

 

'So you've done this before?'

 

 

'When I was like 18 or somewhat I used to cut me thighs too. Not becoz I wanted to die, but becoz it gives me actual relief. I was having some troubles back then' he whispered ashamedly, his gaze pointed to the ceiling, avoiding Alex's eyes.

 

 

'Oh Jamie, fuck. How could it be good?'

 

 

'Al, its not easy to understand'

 

 

'I have plenty of time and everyone says I'm considerably clever'

 

 

Jamie sighed. 'It feels like the suffering slides out. Ye know, wif the blood... I'm sorreh'

 

 

'Let me try'

 

 

'Wot?'

 

 

Alex looked up with red eyes and outstretched his hand, motioning for the razor. 'Let me try it once'

 

 

'No, Alex! Are you crazy?'

 

 

'Why I can't? If its so good, I want to do it as well, Jameh'

 

 

'Al, no'

 

 

With a angry humming, the singer got up and picked the razor by himself, sitting next to Jamie again. 'Alex, me love, don't do this to yerself' he pleaded in a small, scared voice. 'Then promise me you won't do it ever again' he spoke in a threat, the sharp object almost touching his arm.

 

 

'I promise' he spoke without a doubt.

 

 

'Ye swear for yer life?'

 

 

'Yes. But can I do it one last time?'

 

 

'Did ye hear a single word I said? No, you can't!'

 

 

'Alex, _please_ ' he begged, tears going down his cheekbones. 'Please, I beg for you. Just one more'

 

 

'No, Jameh'

 

 

'It's a fookin drug. Ye shouldn't just take it away from me so abruptly'

 

 

'Jameh, no, don't make me say it again'

 

 

'Ye can watch me every single day from now on and inspect every inch of me body to see if I have new cuts, but I need one last time. It won't be deep or large, but I need to'

 

 

'Is it really that important for ye?'

 

 

'You have no idea' he locked his gaze iwth Alex's. ' _Please_ ' his voice rose and cut sharp through the steam-filled room.

 

 

Alex let out a frustated noise before nodding, handing the razor to Jamie, whispering - more to himself - 'I'm the worse boyfriend this world has ever seen' and 'I'm so easily manipulated for fuck's sake'. When he looked up, the guitarist pulled him in a tight hug, his arms wrapped absurdly strong around his waist. 'I'm sorreh, love. But I'm thankful too'

 

 

'Shut up and do it'

 

 

Jamie carefully took the razor and sat down on the closed toilet, observing his earlier cut before doing a new one right above it. As the blade opened up the flesh and a small puddle of blood overflowed from the wound, Jamie let out a breathy sigh and handed the object to Alex, who had both eyes closed shut. 'Al, love, I'm done' he murmured, and to that the singer opened his eyes and picked up the razor before throwing it on the sink angrily, his eyes drowned in so much pain that Jamie shivered. _And guess who hurt Alex again? Me. Exactly. I did it. The only fucking thing I do is hurt the one I love the most. No, that's not true: I hurt meself just as painfully._

 

 

'Jamie, alright, let me clean this' he spoke before getting up and looking for plasters on the bathroom's cabinet. 'No, it's okay love, ye don't need to get dirty for this. I'll take care of it' the guitarist quickly added, 'I have to change yer curative anyway'. 'You do mine, I do yers. It's easy' he spoke, still avoiding Jamie's gaze, to the older's lad despair. 'Alex, please, look at me' he begged, his fingers playing with the continuous overflown of dark red substance. 'Please, I know I'm disgusting but don't get mad at me'

 

 

At that, Alex finally turned around with a profound intake of air and a blink of his eyes. 'Jamie, I'm not disgusted at ye. Neither mad'

 

 

'No?'

 

 

'Of course not. I'm just terrified'

 

 

'I would never hurt ye'

 

 

Alex shook his head and approached him, laying the first-aid kit on the sink before caressing his red cheek, 'No, I'm terrified of losing ye' he spoke in a sigh, his voice firm but his touch was gentle. Jamie placed his hand over Alex's. 'I won't do anything stupid again, love. Now that we're together, things will get better'

 

 

'They certainly will'

 

 

A third voice joined them from outside the bathroom. None of them remembered that a very hungover Miles was just one room away and now they felt guilty for screaming. 'Jameh, Al, I'm not trying to interrupt whatever you two are doing in there, but I need to pee' he spoke, sleepy, leaning against the wall. 'Oh, sorreh, Mi. Jamie just had a terrible, terrible idea and I'm trying to help' Alex spoke, his eyes glued on Jamie's blood spreaded through his thigh. 'Ah, okay. Do ye two need help in somewhat?'. Alex picked up the kit and kissed the guitarist's forehead. Jamie spoke:

 

 

'Ye have any problem wif blood?'

 

 

'Nah. Not really'

 

 

'Good, coz I'm kinda drenched in it'

 

 

Miles stood in silence for a second - _What in the heavens these bastards have done?_ \- but before he could say somthing, Alex opened the door. 'Good morning, Mi' he said, giving him a kiss on his face and passing by, heading to the kitchen's sink where he could damp the towel. Jamie came right after him, and the state he was in was quite frightening: only on his boxers, his fingers were all red, his face was pink from the unbereable shame and, yet, the entire attention was directed to the mess on his thigh - there was literally blood everywhere, like a fucking finger paint was made on his skin - and the two nasty cuts. 

 

 

Miles felt his stomach screaming and vomit surfacing his throat, so he looked to the other side, both eyes closed shut. 'Jesus fookin Christ' he murmured, a hand covering his mouth. 'It looks like a bloody 'The Shining' scene, Jameh' he spoke again, his legs trembling lightly. 'Ye said ye didn't have any problems' he whispered before patting his back with his clean hand and following Alex to the living room. 'Yeah but I didn't fink you'd got a motherfucking shower in it' Miles said before using the bathroom quickly and washing his face so he could join them. 

 

 

He looked at Jamie's leg again and furrowed his eyebrows at the repulsive situation. When Alex kneeled down and started to clean it up, Miles sighed behind them; 'Am I even allowed to ask what happened?'

 

 

'Remember when I told ye that Cookeh is depressed?' Alex questioned, focused on the cuts.

 

 

'Yeah'

 

 

'I presume ye saw the razor on the sink' he spoke. Jamie was avoiding Miles' glances with impossible effort until the Scouser was hit by realization and he let out a curse. 'Hell no' the lad whispered, his eyes flooding against his will. 'Hell yes' the guitarist spoke, the tightness on his chest aching just as much as the razor's cuts.

 

 

'No, Jameh, wot the fuck? Why'd ye do this? Shit mate'

 

 

'Just like I told Al, it was not a suicide attempt or anything'

 

 

'What in the heavens it was, then?'

 

 

'You could say I prefer actual pain over me internal struggles'

 

 

'Oh' Miles whispered, approaching him and gazing at the lad, sad. 'Don't ye ever do this again, aye? Life would be utter hell without ye' he sighed with a hand in Jamie's shoulder.

 

 

As Alex finished cleaning, he arranged a curative and carefully, like he was performing a brain operation, he caressed Jamie's wounds with his index and middle finger. 'There'd be no life worth living without ye, love'

 

 

'See? Ye wouldn't want to hurt Al'

 

 

Jamie buried his face between hands, not really caring about the disgusting state of one of them. 'I'm really sorreh, okay? It won't happen again'

 

 

'I'm sorreh too' Alex said before standing and kissing Jamie's face. 'Now go wash yer hands so you can do me plaster' he spoke in a weak grin, his hands running through the dark strands covering

his forehead. 'I need a haircut' he thought out loud, and Miles smiled. 'What ideas ye have in mind?' he asked while the Monkey's guitarist quickly washed his hands. 'None. I was going to ask Cookeh if he has any'

 

 

The blue-eyed lad faced him. 'If I have wot?' he asked, confused.

 

 

'Any ideas for me hair'

 

 

'Oh. I'll fink 'bout it' 

 

 

As Jamie got on his knees behind Alex, his fingers carefully tugging his underwear down, the singer stopped him and motioned for their friend, who apparently wasn't understanding shit. 'Don't get me naked in front of Mi' he spoke with a smirk. 'Why do ye need a plaster for, Al?' Miles asked, very lost. 'Ye cut yerself too?'

 

 

'No, I actually..'

 

 

'It was the rapist?'

 

 

'Yeah' he sighed brokenly. 

 

 

'Oh love, I'm so sorreh. That man is a pig, he is a bag of worthless shit. Anyway, I've seen yer bum before, don't worry'

 

* * *

 

When Alex walked out of the door, his results in hands, he didn't find Jamie until the lad appeared behind him and entangled their fingers. At the confused look in the singer's face, he lifted a exam. 'I did it as well. Just to prevent' he smiled weakly and motioned for the door, 'Let's open them on the car, aye? We'll have a bit of privacy'. Alex nodded but in the second they stepped out of the door, they heard a photo being snapped and Jamie instantly shoved both papers on his jacket and pulled the singer towards the car, whispering on his ear somewhat between 'Let's go'.

 

 

Alex agreed but, before he entered, he waved at the paparazzi. Jamie waited for them to be locked inside the car to shoot him a confused look. 'What? I'm being kind' he whispered and Jamie answered with a light chuckle, 'Ye're the only person in the world that worries about being polite to the fucking paparazzis'. 

 

 

Alex smiled, but the car was overflown in angst, escaping by the closed windows and the AC system. His eyes were glued to the worthless paper that contained the value of a pirate treasure. His trembling fingers ran up and down the exam but, before he could open it, Jamie placed a hand on his thigh. 'I'll open mine first, aye?' he asked, already unfolding the document, the fear of the impossible taking control over him. 

 

 

He sighed.

 

 

'I'm clean. Just like ye'

 

 

Alex nodded, Jamie's attempt to calm him down just getting him more nervous. Aware that his boyfriend's hand was still laying on his leg, fondling it slowly, the singer finally opened it in a brusk move, and it didn't take half a second till he let out a grateful cry, covering his mouth with a shaky hand, his eyes meeting Jamie's with the clear shining of relief. 'Thank God' was all he managed to murmur before the guitarist hugged him firmly, joyful tears freely sliding down his face. 

 

 

For the first time in days, Alex and Jamie felt that yes, they would work everything out. They would be happy.

 

* * *

 

 

'Jamie, love, ye need to eat'

 

 

'I'm not hungry'

 

 

'Eat, please. For me'

 

 

The guitarist sighed, both Miles and Alex staring at him. When they got home, the Scouser had prepared them lunch in order to show his gratitude. 'If I eat somewhat, I'm going to puke. I'm _not hungry_ ' he spoke, serious, using all the cards on his sleeves to avoid eating. Alex shifted his gaze to their friend, clearly screaming for help, 'Mi, he doesn't put anything inside since yesterday's breakfast!' he said, in the edge of crying. Miles frowned, 'Jameh, come on, don't be bitchy about it'

 

 

'I'm not being bitchy, for fuck's sake, I'll eat a bit, alright? Just a bit'

 

 

"Just a bit" was the huge amount of half a plate. He put the fork down before looking at the lads again, bothered. 'Tha's it, I'm done' he whispered with a weak voice, his fingers tambouring on the table. Alex groaned but kept eating in silence, yet Miles' gaze was burning his skin. 'Jamie, we're just worried bout ye. Don't get all defensive' he sighed. Jamie rubbed his temple and tried to smile, but the result was a uncomfortable half-smirk. 'I know. But me appetite apparently vanished or it has never been here. I'm sorreh'

 

 

'I'm going for a coffee with Suki' the scouser spoke, a grin replacing the earlier frown. 'I know she's dating Luke and all but I like 'er, aye?'

 

 

'Stop trying to steal Luke's bird' Alex stated with a giggle.

 

 

'I dunno what you're talking about' he blinked with a smile.

 

 

'Oh, that's nice. Then Alex and I will get some time alone' Jamie chuckled, yet his hand on the singer's inner thigh showed that his joke wasn't in vain. Alex tried to hide the pink tone of his face but his stomach bounced at the guitarist's teasing touch, getting higher and higher. Miles smiled at him, the entire situation beneath the table as clear as water, and kept eating like nothing was going on. 'I see' he giggled.

 

 

When the lad got up to change clothes, the dark-haired Monkey turned around and closed the distance between them, though he leaned back soon after. 'I thought we had discussed the sex matter' he murmured, his eyes avoiding Jamie's, a warm twist on his lower torso earned as the blonde caressed his back through the shirt. 'I know, love. I was kidding' the lad smiled caringly before appro

aching Alex's ear; 'But, even if I'm not hungry, I'd love to swallow ye whole'

 

 

Alex's legs trembled and he kissed the other's lips before whispering smoothly next to his ear: 'Let's see if ye deserve, ye horny bastard'

 

 

'I hope I do' Jamie spoke before pulling him closer with a hand on his neck, crashing their lips together in a hurry and diving in Alex's taste. When Miles walked out of the room, they were making out like desperate teenagers, the guitarist's hand in Alex's bum - who had deserted his chair a long time ago and decided that Jamie's lap was better - and the brunette's fingers buried deep in his tee. They only separated when Miles cleared his throat, his face pink from interrupting their rather wild kiss. 

 

 

'Oi, ye're going to walk into us every single time?' Alex spoke with a chuckle, his hand sliding out from the other's back. The Scouser laughed, 'I hope not' and walked towards the door, his leather jacket increasing his rockstar posture and his jeans as tight as ever.

 

 

'Ye're really trying to impress that bird, eh?' Jamie asked with a blink, to what Miles frowned and looked at his own clothes. 'Why? Is it bad? I thought it was looking cool' he whispered, his usual confidence lacking, before the blonde waved it off, 'Its really good, mate' he smiled over Alex's shoulder as the lad relaxed and nodded happily.

 

 

'See ye later, then. Good.. Ye know' he smirked without finishing his phrase and walked out of the door. It didn't take 5 seconds and their mouths met again, Jamie pressing Alex's body against his own, his hands firm on protuberant hipbones. They broke the kiss for an instant and the guitarist used this small pause to caress the singer's cheek and murmur calmly to him, his big blue eyes shining. 'I love ye. Too much. So, if ye don't want me to do anythin, just tell me' he spoke and Alex nodded, but he needed to be sure: 'If ye want me to stop, just raise yer hand. Or call me name'

 

 

'Alright, Jameh. I want to try, tho'

 

 

'What do ye wanna try?'

 

 

'Joost... Let's keep this going'

 

 

Jamie shook his head positively and smiled, giving a small peck on his reddened lips before lifting him from his lap and slowly walking towards the room. Alex curled the corners of his mouth and placed a kiss on Jamie's neck, the lad laying him down on bed and occupying the position right by his side. 'There ye go. No more sofas by now' the guitarist giggled before moving over to his Adam's apple. 'I liked it, tho. Maybe we should try it again other time'

 

 

The younger lad hummed in response, all his senses flooded with Jamie, the blonde's body cautiously sliping down his torso. 'Again, I will stop anytime ye ask' he spoke but Alex threw his uncertainity away by tugging his fingers on the gold wave of hair and pressing the guitarist's face against his tummy, the warmt of his lips driving the lad crazy as he kissed right above his navel. 

 

 

'Alright, then' he whispered before picking Alex's shirt between his teeth and rolling it up, helping the lad to get rid of it. He took his own tee off and threw it somewhere in the room as his attention was all directioned to Alex's body again. Jamie started with a kiss on his throat and, in a painfully slow rhythm, he made his way to the south, first stop: his nipples. The guitarist envolved and sucked the two of them carefully, making sure they got even more sensitive, until Alex let out a moan, biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying Jamie's name on loop. 

 

 

'Everything fine, I guess' he giggled in a hoarse voice before continuing his journey downtown, placing small kisses on his chest and his stomach, one by one while Alex caressed his hair. When he got to the lad's happy trial, he looked up for permission and got a nod as well as a grin, the singer's eyes shining in anticipated lust. Jamie smiled as his fingers made their way up his thighs and finally reached his pant's button, opening it and unzipping it. As he slid Alex's jeans down, he felt a weak hand rubbing against his arm and he quickly looked up at the thinner lad. 'Ye want me to stop?' he asked, his entire body frozen until the singer smiled and shook his head, 'No, love, its quite the opposite: I just want to assure ye that I'm enjoying' he spoke, his voice as smooth as silk, his touch showering goosebumps through Jamie's muscles. 'Yeah?'

 

 

'Yeah, Cookeh'

 

 

'Amazing'

 

 

Jamie discarded the lad's jeans on the floor and climbed on top of Alex, kissing him deeply, his arms on each side of his body, his tongue fighting for dominance against the other. He sucked the singer's lower lip before coming back to his position between the other's thighs. 'Ye're beautiful' he murmured, pure adoration on both eyes and a hand massaging his almost translucid skin. 'Unbelievably, sinfully beautiful' the guitarist whispered as he kissed his inner thigh, and them moved to the other, Alex's eyes observing his minuscious moves, shivering each time the other's lips were pressed against such a sensitive spot.

 

 

'Ye're beautiful too, Jameh, don't forget tha' he spoke after letting go of his bottom lip that was being kept as a hostage between his teeth. The light escaping through the white curtains was painting the scene like a Renaissance work and the contrast from their figures could easily convince Titian to use it as inspiration for a pair of lover's portrait, sharing affection between the oceans of blue blankets. 'So, Al, ye're okay by now?' he asked, clearly concerned about his boyfriend's sake while the lad itself was drowning in desire. 

 

 

'Love, I'm unmesurably glad ye worry about me, but I'm dying to shut yer mouth with mine. Come 'ere' he murmured, his fingers drawing random patterns on Jamie's back. The guitarist flushed and nodded, prontly pressing their mouths and chests, his warm body rubbing against Alex's bare skin, his hand combing the always wild strands of dark hair. Their foreheads met and glued to each other, the savage rush of blood on their veins accelerating as Jamie's denim-covered hips grinded against the other lad's bulge, feverish moans echoing on one another's mouth. 

 

 

Urgently needing to breathe, Alex broke the kiss and inhaled heavily on the blonde's neck, his mind surrending to Jamie's scent and his system surrending to Jamie's touch. He sighed before giggling lightly, 'Ye know what, maybe ye should shut yer mouth doing somewhat else'. As his eyes were closed shut before, Alex directioned his wide, pleading gaze at the guitarist and smiled tenderly, his hand crawling towards Jamie's arse, sliding inside the thight jeans and squeezing softly his asscheek, the lad groaned back in response and pecked on his swollen lips before dragging himself down until his mouth was barely an inch away from Alex's half-hard dick. 

 

 

'Anytime, ye can tell me to stop'

 

 

'I don't fink I will'

 

 

Jamie contoured the underwear's waistband with light kisses, his hand hooked on Alex's boxers as the other rested on the lad's stomach. He pressed his mouth on the warm skin and the tip of growing stubble showered him in tickles as Jamie kissed all the way up and down his adductor muscles before starting to remove the piece of clothing and receiving a gasp from the singer, his clenched jaw pointed to the ceiling and his eyes closed shut.

 

 

'Love?'

 

 

Alex opened his eyes and blinked twice before speaking: 'I just... He.. I remembered that n- No, forget it, I don't want to think about that' he stepped over his own words and collapsed his head down once more. _Stop thinking. Just relax. Yeah, breathe, nice. Don't think about that man inside ye_ he finished with an annoyed sigh. _That was very good. Cheers for doing exactly what ye was avoiding. Focus on Jamie and Jamie only now, yeah? Focus on how good he makes ye feel._

 

 

'Al? Maybe we can continue this some other time, it's alreyt' 

 

 

'No!' he pleaded, 'Keep goin'

 

 

The guitarist's hands held his own soothingly, his Atlantic Ocean eyes observing him cautiously. 'Let's try again' Jamie said with a caring smile, pulling the black underwear off of his long legs and putting it next to their piled shirts and the lad's jeans. He flickered his long eyelashes before kissing Alex's shaft softly, brushing his tongue up and down the singer's length, his ears fulfilled by the low whimpers his boyfriend released everytime he would make the smallest move. 

 

 

'Mm Jamie, that's good'

 

 

The blonde's hands fondled Alex's callused fingers as his own bulge was growing, his tongue playing with the tip of the lad's cock and contouring his visible veins that seemed to throb from time to time. Jamie envolved the head with his reddened lips and sucked it, receiving a squeeze on his fingers and a moan, Alex's mouth hanging agape as Jamie felt hot and wet and _perfect_ around him. He brought his free hand up and firmly grabbed a fistful of golden hair, pushing the lad deeper down with a cry, electricity shaking his body and overflowing from his cells. Alex only came back from the arousal bliss when he heard the guitarist gagging, half of the singer's cock filling his throat. 

 

 

'Shit babeh sorry' Alex whispered - not as guilty as he should be - while letting go of Jamie's hair, caressing his even more red cheeks with a soft chuckle, 'I guess I got too excited' 

 

 

The blonde pulled away sloppily and gave a deep breath before smiling, the discomfort long forgotten as he saw nothing other than pure lust on Alex's face. He stroked his cock with a strong fist and groaned at how tight his jeans were by now, his own erection begging to be touched. Jamie unbuckled his belt while the other hand administered a steady rhythm, pumping the lad's dick and stealing gasps from Alex. 'Jameh, love, let me touch ye' the singer pleaded in a smooth whisper, his hand reaching Jamie's neck when the lad got rid of his pants and boxers, climbing on top of bed again and groaning at his boyfriend's warm fingers closing around him, stroking his cock in energetic pumps, their mouths wildly tasting each other. Jamie leaned back and kissed Alex's jaw before involving his swollen head again, bobbing his head up and down at the melody of gasps and cries. 

 

 

'Oh Cookeh, fuck, ye're amazing'

 

 

On Jamie's second try on deep-throating, Alex rolled his eyes back and grabbed the blankets so furiously that his hand turned white-knuckled, while the guitarist's cheeks got so bright red that it could be alarming. When Alex's cock was half-way down his throat, Jamie gave up to his body's complaints and pulled back again, inhaling the largest amount of oxygen he could before pressing his forehead on Alex's thigh, his fingers slowly stroking the lad's cock, his breathing failing miserably.

 

 

'B-Babeh, that was so hot' Alex murmured with one of his hands diving between the sweaty locks of hair. Jamie kissed his skin kindly before coming back to his earlier work, his fist pumping what his mouth couldn't get, pushing Alex closer to the edge with each bob of his head, moaning around his shaft. As the rhythm fastened and the lad's cries got progressively louder, Jamie slipped his hand between his legs and started to stroke himself, the already lustful 'hms' escaping his throat just increasing its intensity. When Alex's grip on his hair got stronger, he knew none of them would last much longer, so he fastened his pumps and focused on getting further down on the lad's length but being careful not to choke again.

 

 

'M gonna come, Jameh' the singer managed to whisper as his voice failed and his words lost to the groans he couldn't hold back anymore. Jamie could feel the familiar sensation building up between his thighs as Alex's hips were unconsciously bucking up in time with each bob of his head. The guitarist withdrawed his hand off the singer's shaft and placed it on his hips, keeping the lad still against the bed, his mouth occupied with Alex. The entire room was boiling, on their eyes, and everything was simply resumed to this, the vicious pleasure they are now experiencing. The unhability to keep themselves quiet and the maddening heat between their legs was enough to dismiss their problems, even if for some seconds.

 

 

'Jame-Oh JAMEH' was the last thing both heard before the singer came, filling Jamie's mouth with a high-pitched moan, his head spinning widly and both eyes closed. The hot load on his throat was enough to send Jamie over the edge as well with a muffled groan, his come all over the bed and Alex's leg, his callused fingers buried deep in the dark-haired lad's flesh. He inhaled profoundly before collapsing on the bed, both feeling comfortably numb and staying like this for an entire minute, the loud thuds from their satisfied hearts mixed with their heavy breathing. Jamie was the first one to lift his head from Alex's thigh and smile dumbly, drops of sweat sliding down his rosy face. Alex opened his eyes after some instants and looked at the spent figure laying between his legs and he couldn't help but grin. 

 

 

Alex motioned for him to get closer but Jamie just blinked before speaking in a hoarse voice: 'I don't want to make a bigger mess in yer blanket'. The singer outstretched his hand and held the guitarist's fingers between his own, 'Just come 'ere' he whispered, to what Jamie nodded and moved until they were pressed side by side. Alex curled next to his boyfriend's body and kissed his cheek sweetly, resting his arm over the lad's stomach. 'Do I need to tell ye how amazing this was?' the singer questioned smoothly, his thumb caressing the guitarist's warm skin. 

 

 

'You don't need to but you can'

 

 

'Coz it was the best blowjob I've ever got, love. If I didn't knew ye, I would say ye've been practicing yer deep-throating'

 

 

'Beginner's luck, I guess. I've always been kinda edgy in sex' he murmurs, his hand contouring Alex's plaster very carefully

 

 

'Oh, the brutes are me favorites'

 

 

Jamie kissed his forehead, smiling. Alex stretched his hand and picked his cigarette pack and his lighter, litting one for both. 

 

 

'Now, Jameh, let's talk serious business'

 

 

Jamie furrowed his eyebrows. 'Okay'

 

 

'There's anything I could do for ye to show me gratitude? Not strictly bout this' he pointed at himself and the blankets 'But for saving me from this motherfucking prision inside me own head'

 

 

'Just being me boyfriend already pays all yer debts, love'

 

 

'No, really. Being wif ye has been more effective than going to any therapist, baby. Ye're healing me'

 

 

'We're healing each other'

 

 

'I was scared I was going to dive into some sex related trauma and remain in abstinence for the rest of me life coz everytime I thought about it, that disgusting pig would occupy me mind. Now, I'm pretty sure ye're the only person I'll ever relate to pleasure again, love. Do I make any sense?'

 

 

Jamie exhaled a cloud to the air before pulling him closer, 'Yeah, ye do. And I'm glad I'm helping ye'

 

 

'Maybe I'll have some struggles wif going further, but I'm certain I want ye there wif me. I know ye'll be careful'

 

 

Jamie held him tighter with a kiss on his forehead and took the last puff of their cigarette before smashing it on the ashier. Alex sighed and closed his eyes but the guitarist pressed their lips in order to keep him awake. 'Al, put somewhat on, or Mi is going to come back to both of us sleeping naked in this mess' he said calmly, the lad's sleepy eyes almost closing again. The singer nodded and got up clumsily, looking for his underwear around the room while Jamie put his boxers on and chose a clean blanket to put on Alex's bed.

 

 

 _Or should I say 'our bed'?_ he corrected himself with a grin. _We're a real couple, now._

 

 

'Love, there's cum in yer leg' Jamie pointed out at the sight of the sticky substance splattered on his skin. Alex looked at it and chuckled before collecting it with his fingers and cleaning on the dirty blanket. 'I'll wash this shite later' he wondered out loud before collapsing on bed again, being soon joined by his boyfriend. Now, they seemed to fit each other just as perfectly as before, Alex's head on the crook of Jamie's neck, their stomachs pressed, their legs entangled. 

 

 

'I love you' was the last thing Alex heard before he lost the unfair war against exhaustion.

 


	7. Your name isn't Rio but I don't care for sand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie and Alex once thought they had nothing but each other.  
> Now, they've noticed that having each other is everything they'll ever need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's done. Yes, it might be disappointing. Please, don't kill me.
> 
> The thing is, I want to write other stories and I already had the ending on my mind, just waiting around the corner.
> 
> P.S.: fireandthethud, the last scene is inspired by your own from Professional Pretenders (kinda) cause I loved the fact that they got back together at Rio and omg I love that story and that chapter. 
> 
> I thank every single one of you that read and gave me kudos or commented and I'll certainly be around for some more time, writing Jamex and probably a bit of Milex. I hope wholeheartedly that you'll like this chapter.
> 
> xoxo

'See ye later, love'

 

'Later, baby'

 

'I'll pick you up by 17 p.m. Aye?'

  
Jamie nodded and waved goodbye, his notebook pressed firmly against his palm, his stomach as heavy as an anvil. He walked inside the therapist's office and greeted the secretary, that clearly recognized him and - after getting his information written down and telling the doctor he was here - asked for his autograph with a bright smile. 'Look, love, I'm very thankful ye like me work but if you could maintain this visit as a secret, I would be grateful' he murmured with the flirtiest smile he could do, hoping she would be convinced by it.

 

She nodded, 'Yes, of course'

  
He smiled and signed the back of a blank receipt before giving it to her. When he stepped away from the desk to sit down in the black leather couch, a tall, tanned and sympathetic looking man appeared. 'Mr. Cook? Follow me' he pointed at the cozy looking room and grinned. Jamie tightened his hold on the blue notebook and entered the room, shaking his hand when the lad followed him inside and closed the door. The therapist, called Steve, sat down on his chair and told 'Mr. Cook' to choose between the couch and the chair equal to the one he was in. 

  
Jamie picked up the fancy turquoise couch and got himself comfortable, looking around the elegant room. 'Ye can call me Jamie if ye want' he spoke as his eyes found Steve's. 'Do you prefer to be called this?', 'Yeah, it feels less serious, if I make any sense' he smirked oddly. The therapist nodded and smiled back, 'Okay then, Jamie. Now, tell me about yourself. I know you're a celebrity, a fair part of my clients are' he interrupted himself with a frown, 'Sorry, that sounded very petulant. But let's keep going. I'm a complete ignorant when the subject is music and bands, so I have to admit I don't know from which group you are'

  
Jamie smiled, 'Its alreyt. I'm a guitarist, from the Arctic Monkeys. We are a British band and I dunno, you could say we play indie rock, if you know what that means' he said, worried that he was acting cocky, but the therapist giggled and shook his head, 'I have no idea'. 'Its a genre, but I guess it doesn't really matter. We just released our fourth album and our tour starts in three days'

  
'That sounds amazing. What about yourself: are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? Maybe kids?'

  
Jamie blushed, the always present anxiety about saying the truth out loud painting his face red. 'I'm gay, actually' he spoke while looking down at his fingers, playing with the silver ring Alex bought them - some sort of reminder of their relationship, on the lad's words, to make Jamie feel better when they're not together.

  
Steve gave him some seconds before calmly asking: 'And how that makes you feel? Have you told somebody yet? Your bandmates know?', 'I know my opinion doesn't matter in this subject but I don't mind at all, Jamie' he quickly added with a reassuring grin, even if the lad was still avoiding his eyes. 

 

The guitarist finally looked at him with a smile. 'I came out some days ago. And me bandmates got the news some days before, since I'm dating our singer' he chuckled, only the image of Alex already making him happier.

 

'Oh, that's good. And everybody accepted it fine?' Steve asked, his chill posture and constant smiles making Jamie progressively feel less intimidated, his body finally relaxing against the couch. 'Yeah, most people did. Me ex-girlfriend, tho, wants me fookin head in a plate'

  
Their conversation lasted for more 15 minutes, but Steve stopped talking when Jamie's eyes started to flood, letting the flux of words slip out freely. When he mentioned **that night**  and what happened to Alex, the lad hid his face between both hands and sighed. 'I'm sorreh. It's just hard to talk about it'. At this point, Steve already knew who was Alex, all the highlights since 2009 and how they ended up on that couch, kissing each other softly while their pants were missing - even if this detail was kept a secret.

  
They talked about Alex's condition, about how this affected Jamie. The symptoms started to be mentioned one after one and, as Steve took notes of everything the lad was telling him - even if he had the recorder on - he knew that the diagnosis was obvious. The lack of appetite, recurrent insomnia, hopelessness, constant sadness and self-esteem problems. 

'Well, Jamie, I don't really think you'll like the diagnosis. I'm pretty sure you're depressed, but thankfully isn't the hard-to-treat one. Do you have any other symptoms? Maybe something more serious? Then your case could be severe'

 

Jamie sighed, his fingers unconsciously rubbing against the plaster hidden beneath the dark denim. 'More serious? Like what?'

 

'Weigh loss? Feeling physically weak? There's lots of them. Anything out of ordinary?'

 

 _Well, if somebody gotta know, that somebody must be him_.

 

'Self-harm' he murmured, barely audible, as his eyes locked on the sunny outside and avoided at all costs Steve's green gaze. 

 

'Yeah, that definitely counts. But your wrists look fine, from here'

  
'Me thighs'

  
'Oh. Clever. No one can see it because it's easily hidden. Since when you've been doing it?'

  
'Two of them, the oldest ones, on the shower, two days ago. But me boyfriend saw it and freaked out real good'

  
'Two of them? So you have more?'

  
Jamie swallowed a sigh and nodded, his fingers running through his short blond hair. 'Three more'

  
'What Alex done about it?'

  
'He made me swear I'd never do it again. Yet here I am, with three new cuts and guilt taking over me'

 

'Jamie, why'd you do it again? From what I've heard, you'd do anything for him. Am I right?'

 

'I swear I'd stop and I _tried_ so hard but fuck. I feel so terrible for not being able to stop, for being so fucking weak. And tha' just makes me feel worse about meself' his voice tense and so sharp it could cut glass, unwanted tears sliding by the sides of his face. 

 

Steve stretched his hand and fondled Jamie's shoulder with a smile. 'It's okay, don't feel bad about it. You're not the only one. You know why I chose to be a therapist?'

 

'Why?'

 

'I survived a suicide attempt from when I was 17. I threw myself out of a balcony and yet I kept breathing. The pain was such that I almost died right there on the pavement but a girl found me and called an ambulance. Now, we're married' he smiled and showed him the wedding ring.

  
'That's amazing' Jamie spoke with an honest grin. _See? There's hope_ his conscience tried to convince him, and he believed in it for about 20 seconds. Then he frowned and looked to his own thigh, biting his lip.

 

'Now, Jamie, tell me: does Alex knows about the new cuts? Or you disguised them?'

  
'I did one yesterday and two right before coming here. I took the plasters as me advantage so I cut meself next to the old ones. It's easy to cover it up wif the curative'

 

'Jamie, you're clearly smart, why'd you succumb to self-harm?'

 

'It relaxes me'

 

'So you were not trying to die?'

 

'No. I just needed some relief'

  
'That's less worrying, you could say. And about relief, I'll give you some antidepressants. You need them'

 

'Yes, please, yes' he pleaded in a small voice, his heartbeat fastened by the idea of getting better.

 

Steve smiled. 'That's good. I believe you'll take it regularly, then?'

 

'Certainly'

 

'I will prescribe you Prozac, in a daily 20 mg dose. It should work, but if you feel anything weird or you don't feel anything at all, tell me'

 

'Alright'

 

'I know you'll be on tour for a very long time so it'll be impossible to make any visits soon, but I'll give you my phone number and you'll call me regularly to give me the news'

 

Jamie nodded and reached out for his phone, adding Steve's number and passing the therapist his own. 

 

'I have to tell you, though, that Prozac might have side effects. They're lighter than in other pills but they shall show up soon or later'

 

'It's alright. There's any I should get really worried about?'

 

'The most common are headaches, restlessness, weight loss, allergic reaction and - this one gets everybody anxious - various sexual side-effects like erectile dysfunction or impotence'

  
'Oh'

  
'They're rarer, though. It's not certain you're going to have them'

  
'Alreyt. I don't think its really important, we don't... Alex doesn't think he's ready for it, ye know'

  
'I see. He's probably still traumatized'

 

'Yeah'

 

'Does this bother you? The lack of sex?'

 

'It's not that frustrating. Of course I would like to and all tha' but I respect his choice. We'll get there someday'

 

Steve smiled and got up, resting his things on the desk. He turned around and leaned back on the mahogany table. 'You're driving back home?'

 

'No, Alex comes to pick me up'

 

'Nice. You're my last client of the day, would like a beer or somewhat to drink?'

 

'A beer would be nice, actually'

 

Steve nodded and approached his mini-bar, picking up two bottles and opening them up before sitting back down, handing one to Jamie. His eyes quickly met the tiny notebook between his knees and so he pointed at with furrowed brows after taking a sip; 'What's that?'. Jamie lifted it up and gave it to him, 'Alex got me as a gift. I write down me feels and everything, I thought you could be interested in it'

  
The therapist nodded and opened it up in the first page, where Alex wrote down a dedicatory. 'Do you mind if I take a look?' he asked, curious, to what Jamie shook his head and said that he didn't mind. His eyes focused on the curly, careful hand-writing before actually reading it.

 

**_Jamie, my love._ **

**_I know sometimes it's hard to speak what you think out loud. I have lots of problems with this and you know it: I babble all the time and trip over my own words. It happens with me an with you and with everyone - even though some people have the gift of expressing themselves easily._ **

**_The thing is, both of us aren't gifted. We learned it the hard way._ **

**_So I thought that maybe you needed a refuge. A way out. Some place to write down what floods your mind and free the angst riding through your veins. That maybe you needed someone to come and kindly offer itself to hear your struggles without giving its lame opinion about it._ **

**_This someone ended up to be a small, cheap notebook. My own is filled with shite but it has actually good stuff underneath it all. Its where I write my mindless ideas that maybe_ _will never see daylight or maybe will become our next hit's lyrics. My notebook is my second safe house simply because you're my first one._**

**_I hope it will be useful._ **

  
**Sincerely and surely yours,** ** _Al._**

 

He looked up with a smirk, 'Your boyfriend is quite a poet'

 

Jamie smiled brightly and nodded, 'Yes, he is. It's a charming virtue, one of the many that he has'

 

'And he loves you back, clearly'

 

Jamie glanced at his ring again before blinking his eyes. 'I believe he does'. The uncertainty on his voice was ironically certain, and he sighed loudly. Steve rested his beer on the table and lifted his eyes from the full pages of hasty and confusing handwriting - it seemed like whoever wrote it was hurrying to pass it all to the paper. And that's true. In that exceptionally rainy Tuesday night, Jamie stood awake until the sun was up while Alex slept peacefully by his side; he used all those free, otherwise inutile hours to update his little disgrace diary that kept getting fuller and fuller.

 

'Tell me, Jamie, what makes you feel so insecure? At least once in every page you pull yourself down and bring up your mistakes, your failures, your fears and even details involving your physical appearance. Why would you do that?'

 

'That's how I feel' he simply answered.

 

'And you don't think you should change?'

 

'That's why I'm here'

 

'But I can't help you change if you don't start by yourself, Jamie'

 

'I don't know how. I try to feel better, I try to look at the fookin mirror and actually like what I'm seeing, but it feels forced'

 

'It's not forced to love yourself. It's a pre-requisite for living a enjoyable life. I'm pretty sure Alex loves you, otherwise he wouldn't be with you. The moment you got sick and told him, that's when people usually run away. He stayed. He loves you'

 

'I just think he should find someone better. Less broken'

 

'But he's broken too'

 

'Broken diamond it's still diamond'

 

'And why that doesn't apply to you?'

 

'Coz I'm not a diamond'

 

'And why not?'

 

'Do I look like diamond? I'm just some rubbish and shattered piece of glass. Probably a beer bottle or a cheap vodka that a homeless person drank and thrown away'

 

There was no light in Jamie's eyes. And no humor, too. He kept gazing at the half-empty bottle of beer on his hand. _I just wanted to be happy. How hard is that? It shouldn't be_ _so hard to smile sincerely. At least it should be easier than faking it._

 

'Jamie?'

 

The lad looked up, 'Sorreh, I was thinking'

 

'Thinking about what?'

 

'About how much I hate meself'

 

'That's a harsh thing to do. What we need to do is get to the problem's origin. When do you think this started, your self-esteem struggles? Do you have any idea of what could've made it burst?'

 

'I fink I do. Have you ever heard about Alexa Chung?'

  
'Oh, she's a model, isn't she?'

  
'Yeah. Alex's ex too'

 

'And why'd you feel bad about this? They broke up, you shouldn't be bothered by their earlier relationship'

 

'She's just... Beautiful. Smart. Famous. Funny. She has everything'

 

'They had a fight, it's over now'

 

'Yes, but it gets me insecure. It assures me that Alex can find someone more interesting’

 

'Alex loves _you_ now, Jamie. Otherwise, he wouldn't be your boyfriend, would he?'

 

**Pop**

 

Jamie felt his phone vibrating on his back pocket and quickly unlocked it with a apologize to Steve. 'It's Al. He just texted me to say he's already here' 

 

'We have 10 minutes left, tell him to wait on the couch outside my office. It's more comfortable'

 

'It's not necessary'

 

'I would like to meet him, if you don't mind' Steve smiled.

 

'I guess it's okay' he shrugged.

 

'I won't tell him anything about the cuts, but you need to tell him, Jamie'

 

_Are you kidding me?  
_

  
He swallowed thickly, 'I can't'

 

'You have to. Will he get mad? Possibly, but he's going to help you out, alright? You need him'

  
Jamie nodded, still unconvinced. He sent Alex a text and invited him to stay on the waiting room while they finished it up. The positive reply came right after he texted it, so he sent another 'Ok' and got his phone on mute. 'Sorreh about that'

 

'It's okay. I have to admit it, I didn't notice time slipping by. I'll give you my sincere opinion about your case'

 

'Alreyt' he whispered, slightly nervous.

 

'As you know it, you have a problem with recognizing your own value. You are capable of listing your qualities but you prefer to ignore them. Why?'

 

'I don't believe in cockiness'

 

'One thing is being petulant, the other is being self-conscious'

 

'I can't separate them'

 

'You just need a little push. I'll demonstrate it, yeah? List me 5 good things about yourself. Easy'

 

Jamie bit his lip, 'Really?'

  
'Just five'

 

'I, uh..'

 

He looked at his hands as if the answer would be written in it. Sadly, it wasn't. Jamie sighed.

 

'I'm clever'

 

'Why?'

 

'Why I'm clever? I dunno man, it's a characteristic. You told me yourself'

  
'Why do you consider yourself clever?'

  
'I can think fast. I'm good in videogames. I dunno, I guess I'm good at chatting and I write guitar riffs, I need to be clever for that'

 

'See? You just gave me four other qualities while trying to justify one'

 

Jamie stood in silence with furrowed eyebrows. _Weird_

 

'Yeah bu-'

 

'No, don't wash the nice thoughts away. Keep them for yourself. It's not that hard, right?'

 

'It's quite hard'

 

'Learning to love yourself should be as simple as learning a new riff. But it's not like that, everybody knows. I'm trying to make you see that you're on the right track, you just need a hand. Tell me something you like about your appearance. Your body'

 

Jamie smirked at the first thought. _Saying that you have a nice dick is not the best idea. I'm pretty sure is inappropriate to yer therapist._ Steve, though, saw him smiling and quickly questioned why. 'I just... The first one was a bit dirty. I'll think about somewhat else' he blushed.

 

'It's okay. If you only knew the weird shit I've heard from other patients'

 

Jamie giggled and nodded. 'I like me eyes, then. They're a nice shade of blue'

  
'That's true. You indeed have nice eyes. I want you to keep all these qualities in mind at least for a bit more, alright? Just... Let them sink in. I want you to discuss them with Alex and - together - find new ones. It's not hard, and it'll make you feel better, your boyfriend saying nice things about you'

 

Jamie pulled his ring out of his finger just to push it in again, looking up at Steve and smiling, 'Yeah'

 

'Now, I don't want you to feel startled by this but I think you're an amazing person' he spoke in a sincere tone. Jamie locked their gazes and blinked, not exactly getting what he meant.

  
'I have lots of clients and most of them are a complete bore, or arrogant, they think they're superior for being the ones paying me, when I'm the one _treating_ them. But you entered in here and showed nothing but honesty. That's something refreshing, Jamie, to someone that works with people everyday'

 

'Thank ye'

 

'And I have to admit it, when you entered I thought you were just another cocky rock star but you're a nice guy. If this didn't sound so gay, I would say you enchanted me' he spoke with a laugh, Jamie doing the same. 

  
'I'm not sure what I've done to enchant ye so much but I'll try to do it more often' he smiled.

 

Steve looked at his watch and got up, picking up his and Jamie's empty bottles, putting them at the trash. 'Well, I guess we're done. Do you have any questions? Maybe something you want to tell me before you leave? I know you'll keep in touch but if there's anything..'

 

'I don't think so. You already helped me a lot today, I'm actually surprised. I didn't quite believe in therapists until now'

 

'Oh, I'll take it as a compliment then' he smiled and headed to the door, opening it and waiting for Jamie. The guitarist passed by the therapist and his eyes quickly found Alex sitting on the couch, daydreaming. 'Al?' he called while approaching his boyfriend, that quickly snapped out of it and got up in a jump, kissing Jamie's cheek. 'Hey love. I believe that's Steve? Our savior?' he asked with a grin, outstretching his hand to shake the therapist's. 'That's me. And you're Alex?' he asked, yet the answer was as clear as water, the lad nodding in affirmation. 

  
'I just wanted to meet you after hearing Jamie talk about you with such passion' he smiled, 'We'll be going, then, you probably have got thousands of things to do. I'll call ye' Jamie spoke, holding Alex's hand and curling the corners of his mouth softly before shaking Steve's hand. 'Good luck' was all the therapist answered, yet Jamie didn't knew if he was talking about the tour or the cuts. He nodded.

 

* * *

  
  
Jamie asked subtly for Alex to change his plasters and, just like imagined, he didn't suspect a thing. When he sat on the bed next to the guitarist and his hands reached for the curative, Jamie already had tears going down his face, although his boyfriend couldn't see them, occupied by his task. As he pulled it out, Alex froze, the dark bangs covering his eyes making impossible to see the lad's expression, but it was obvious that he acknowledged the three new and slightly deeper cuts when smalls drops started to fall one by one on the sheets. 

 

'Al, I'm so sorreh'

 

In the way back home, he mentally created all the possible scenarios -and what he would do on each one. But he got none answer. Alex changed the plasters carefully, got up to put the old ones on the trash and quickly joined him on the bed again, holding his body tightly and resting his face on Jamie's chest, counting his heartbeats until there were no more tears rolling down. 

 

'Al, look, I c-'

 

His boyfriend cut him by pressing a finger on his mouth and whispering 'shut up' in a non-aggressive plead. He lifted his hand slowly, caressing Jamie's raspberry-pink cheeks while swallowing his own tears. 'You don't have to explain yerself. I understand why ye did it and I won't judge ye'

 

'I'm really sorry love, I know this is awful but I was feeling like total shit. Now things are getting better'

 

Alex looked up and shook his head in agreement, a faint smile on his lips. _Poor Jamie. Even he lies to himself._

 

* * *

  
  
Until now, every single one of their concerts was amazing, including tonight's performance. When they stepped out of the stage, the fans still screaming their names - or something else, they couldn't really understand anymore - the four lads were giving off pure electricity: it was running on their veins and sparkling on the tip of their fingers. Stepping there, in front of thousands of persons that enjoy their work and to give them all he's got and all he's capable of, that makes Jamie happy. In those moments, independent if they last 5 or 100 and somewhat minutes, his mind feels at ease and he concentrates in nothing other than the songs and Alex. Yeah, he keeps his head down and his focus on the strings, but a part of him is always aware of how his boyfriend’s voice is always perfect, how he plays effortlessly, how he _defeats his own demons_ with a wide smile.

 

Yes, both of them might end up tearing their eyes after that, when they're alone in their shared hotel room, holding each other close, pressing their dry lips softly. When they murmur kind words or when they are wordlessly writing on their respective notebooks. They might feel sad but they're together.

 

Jamie's medicine finally started to work, three days later. Two weeks gone by and the digital scale on their hotel showed him that he lost half a pound. Ignoring the almost unnoticeable side effects, he's definitely different; not necessarily happier, but stable. Usually, it needs various tests in various antidepressants to find the right one, but - as if God got bothered of fucking him up - Prozac was the answer to Jamie's sickness. Alex too, of course. 

 

Some days later and Alex's hair was gone. Even if Jamie was the one to pick the haircut, the lad wanted to make it a surprise, so when he walked out of the hairstylist, the guitarist's jaw dropped to the floor, as well as the half-empty coffee he was holding. 'Oh my God' was all he murmured before Alex placed both hands on his hips and pouted, trying not to laugh at the other's shocked face. 'So you liked it?' he finally asked, and Jamie quickly nodded with a huge smile. 

 

'It's incredible, love!'

  
Alex blushed and gave some steps closer, letting his arms fall to his side and instantly changing his cockiness for the usually shy posture Jamie loves so much - even though he got weirdly turned on by seeing his boyfriend so _confident_. The guitarist glanced down before waving his arms on the hair and wrapping them around Alex's waist. 'I love it so much that me poor coffee is dead' he laughed, making the lad giggle and bury his face on the crook of his neck, but Jamie quickly pulled him back again. 'No, let me see it! Look at yer big brown eyes, eh? They're so.. Visible now! It suits ye so nicely'

  
'Stop it, you! Ye're just proud coz ye chose it' Alex smiled brightly, his cheeks red as Jamie's eyes were still glued on him. 'Stop staring'

  
'I can't. Ye look so beautiful'

  
Alex slapped his arm playfully before holding his hand and walking towards the car, but the guitarist stopped him with a light pull on his wrist, making him turn around and furrow his brows in question. 'Wot?'. Jamie pressed their lips before smiling again, 'Let's take a walk, I want to show to everybody how hot me boyfriend is' he spoke while pulling Alex for a kiss, his arm around his thin body. The singer bit his lip before pulling away, 'No, I want to keep it a secret till tonite's show, aye?'

 

He sighed, 'Alreyt, let's go'

  
Jamie couldn't keep his eyes off Alex through the entire day, and every time he looked at his boyfriend, the haircut looked better, all the gelled hair combed back except for the dark brown strands that kept falling gracefully over his forehead. If before he could easily hide behind his wild mop, now anyone could sink in his space-y gaze and venture themselves to count the stars populating the vast galaxy he holds in both pupils.

  
And as days gone by, Jamie's smiles started to be brighter. They started to be _legitimate_. Of course, the treatment was just beginning, but the lad was giving all he's got to make it work, and his effort was immeasurable. Heart-melting too, like the time Alex woke up a bit earlier than usual and found him talking to himself in front of the mirror and smiling. Alex leaned on the bathroom's door frame and spoke - scaring the shit out of him and making the lad blush wildly - 'Good morning, love'. Jamie ran his fingers through his blonde hair and smiled in nothing other than pure shame, wondering about how stupid the scene was, a 26 years old man chatting with his reflection.

  
Even if the touring and the concerts kept them busy, he kept calling his therapist and they would have long talks through the phone, discussing his sickness and the imminent recovering. The light-headed state he was in and the constant giggles were enough to prove that the medicine was working, and Steve was very optimist about the treatment and the results that quickly started to show up.

  
Some more days passed by and, after a particularly exciting show, Alex was on fire. With a fluffy and sweaty mess of hair on his forehead, the lad pinned Jamie against the dressing room's wall and kissed him hungrily, tugging feverously at his denim shirt, his lips swollen and red when they separated for a breath, Jamie's eyes widened at the sudden move. Alex kissed his neck wetly before whispering in a soft, velvet-like voice at his ear: 'We should go back to 505, if ye _know what I mean'_

  
'Are you sure?'

  
'I'm horny as fuck, Jamie, let's try'

 

But their first time didn't go as smooth as they planned. Not at all.

 

Jamie didn't have time to think twice cause, in the blink of an eye, they were back to the hotel, and in another blink, they were making out on the bed, shirtless and very hard. Thankfully, the night wasn't ruined by any of the side-effects Jamie was so afraid of, and Alex was always _incredibly efficient_ on lifting him, when they were jerking each other off in the tour bus' bathroom or when the lad sucked him backstage. Funnily enough, Matt and Nick would always find out, no matter how secretive they were; Alright, maybe it wasn't that secretive when Jamie got out of the door red, with his breathing shaky and Alex was licking his lips, dark jeans looking perfect but the dirty marks on his knees. Yeah, it wasn't that hard to complete the puzzle, and both drummer and bassist kept smiling wide at them for the entire show. 

  
And when Alex started to unbutton Jamie's shirt impossibly fast, pressing their mouths like his boyfriend was water after days walking through the desert, everything felt right. A bit rushed, but right. The guitarist tried to calm him down by slowly taking Alex's jeans off and planting delicate kisses on his neck, but when the lad noticed what he was doing, he held Jamie's chin firmly - not enough to hurt but keeping him still - and spoke serious, his pupils widened in lust: 'Jamie, me love, if I think too much about this, I'll give up. I get it, ye want to make it right, but let me try it this way, aye?'

 

Jamie nodded and sucked on his throat, stealing a shy gasp from the lad and marking his skin, letting it adorably purple. Alex rolled them over and sat on the blonde's lap, thrusting their hips while unzipping the guitarist's jeans, that quickly disappeared on some obscure part of the room. Alex pressed their mouths as his hand squeezed Jamie through his boxers, earning back a groan and wide palms groping his ass. They separated and Alex clumsily got out of bed, his legs weakened by arousal, 'Where ye keep the lube, love?'

 

'I-In me bag on the loo'

 

Alex practically flew to the toilet and came back just as fast, the bulge on his underwear bouncing as he jumped on Jamie's legs again, pulling his boxers down before getting him naked as well. He took some seconds to breathe, the ringing on his ears driving him crazy but slowly lowering, his eyes analyzing their situation until he shook his head and kissed Jamie's jaw. 'Love, I'm starting to think, just fuck me already, huh?' he spoke, determination on his voice but clear hesitation on his gaze. 

  
The guitarist lubed himself and parted Alex's thighs carefully, fondling his pale skin before holding his cock and rubbing it on his entrance. The lad shivered, his eyes closed and his mouth pressed against Jamie's shoulder, his hands grabbing the bed's headboard. 'Are ye ready, love?' he whispered softly, obviously concerned, to what Alex nodded and relaxed his body, but in the second the lad applied some pressure and his tip was inside him, the singer let out a chocked cry and bit Jamie's flesh so violently he almost tasted blood. The blonde growled in pain and in pleasure, not exactly decided between both, his hands slowly lowering Alex, and his cock getting deeper until the lad's hips met his own.

 

He gave Alex some seconds to adjust at the weird, intrusive feeling, but the dark-haired man didn't answer or move, barely breathing. 'Alex?' Jamie called out, trying to concentrate on the lad's well-being and not in _how perfect is to actually fill him up_. 'Al, love, ye're okay?' he tried again.

 

The only response he got was a gasp and Alex's body tensing up around him, his hands slipping out of the headboard and weakly dropping on his stomach. Jamie quickly pulled himself out and hugged him tight, his cock brushing against Alex's shivering back as the lad started to tear both eyes in quiet despair. 'Oh baby, I'm so sorreh, ye weren't ready, I'm sorreh'. The singer hugged him too, burying his nose on Jamie's neck, the cold American wind invading their room through the opened window starting to bother him when it finally clicked on his mind: Jamie is not like that man. Not even close. Jamie is careful and sweet and passionate and Jamie would (and will) do anything to ease his pain and maximize his pleasure. _Jamie would never force his dick inside me_.  _Its easier for him to interrupt a night of amazing sex to ask if I'm okay than to do anything like it._

 

_It would be easier for him to kill somebody than to actually lay a finger on me without me consent._

 

That was when Alex knew he's in deep. That he knew there is no coming back - and it's not like he'll ever want to. And this realization was enough to make him dry his face and kiss Jamie softly, his reddened lips moving calmly against the guitarist's ones. He pulled away and glued their foreheads, appreciating the hot breathing against his skin for some seconds before opening his eyes and finding his boyfriend's blue fluorite-like gaze, worried like always. 'Tell me I didn't hurt ye, please, or I'll be doomed forever' he questioned, angst surfacing his throat. Alex shook his head calmly before resting it on his unclothed shoulder, wrapping his arms around Jamie's waist. 'Ye didn't, I just thought I was ready when I clearly wasn't' he sighed.

 

'It's okay, now'

 

'Ye know, Jamie, there's something I've never told ye about that night'

 

'Wot?'

  
'Why I didn't want ye to enter on the shower wif me. Of course, there were the bruises, but they weren't the main reason'

 

'What it was, then?' he asked, brushing Alex's messy quiff away from his unpolished mineral eyes.

 

'I was bleeding' 

 

Jamie swallowed with difficulty before speaking: 'Oh Al, why ye hid it from me? Ye clearly needed a doctor'

 

'I saw one the next day, didn't I? He stitched and everything. The fact is that I was breached so aggressively I was bleeding. And I didn't want ye to see it, coz I didn't want ye to get hurt like I did. I didn’t want yer heart to ache even more'

 

The guitarist picked both of his hands between his own and massaged them caringly, fighting against the tears that could slide down at any moment. 'Well, it was clever, I'd have dragged ye to the hospital at the same second' he reasoned.

  
'Exactly. And I needed some rest'

  
'But please, if ye ever get hurt again, promise me ye'll tell me' Jamie pleaded before placing a kiss on his forehead.

 

Alex nodded. 'That's why I couldn't walk straight or I was having such difficulty to sit down. That's why I was crying so desperately when ye entered on the shower, too. I was trying to clean it as quickly as possible – so ye wouldn’t see it - yet the pain was unbearable'

 

'Ye're going to make me cry. I get it, tho, ye're being sincere and I couldn't be more grateful'

 

'Tomorrow'

 

'Yes?'

 

'We'll do it tomorrow'

 

'We don't need to. I can wait until you're 100 per cent ready, love'

  
'I am. I just think we shouldn't do it now coz we've had enough action for today. And I'm exhausted'

 

'Alright then. Tomorrow. Now let's take a shower so we can black out on bed, eh?'

 

Alex whined with a 'Noo' but he soon sighed and got up, not even bothering to get dressed. They washed one another and laughed like 5 years-old kids while splashing water on their faces and, if somebody tells you that this moment wasn't worth remembering, both Jamie and Alex would discord. Cause the small things are the most important, after all. Even if they involve soap and making out beneath the shower. And when they plopped on bed again, Jamie’s arms around his waist, Alex curled next to his body, inhaling his scent, with humid and uncombed dark-hair tickling the guitarist’s neck, he easily blacked out, feeling like home.

 

The following day,  _damn_ , it really was all they expected it to be. They had a quick interview by the morning and that was that, so they made the remaining hours impossibly romantic, with coffee by the river, kisses on an wooden bench, holding hands during their walk by the city streets and their final stop before the hotel room: a supermarket. Jamie got responsible for the cinnamon candles while Alex gone in a exhausting quest for a bath bomb, whipped cream and white wine. The result though, was amazing, and everything went dreamily. To resume the night, they drank - but only to get pleasantly blissed - and licked whipped cream off each other's thighs and necks and stomachs before actually having cock-throbbing, blood-boiling, breath-stealing and feverish-moan-inducing sex that ended up with loud cries that resembled each other's names. And between the mess of sweaty limbs they later became, they got to the conclusion that Alex managed to whisper 'Thank you' more times in 20 minutes than Jamie asked 'Are you okay?' through the entire night and at that he received a congratulations kiss and a soft 'I love you'.  _  
_

 

* * *

 

15 of November, 2014.

 

The AM tour is over, their last album is a massive success and now, the USA are at their feet. ‘AM’ has become the biggest album of the year, some say, but what matters is that they’re completely satisfied with it, and they couldn’t be happier.

 

Their closing concert was at Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and it was breath-taking. Alright, maybe Alex got too excited and throwing himself on the floor wasn’t the best idea ever, but ‘Arabella’ always gets him out of his mind. And, personally, Jamie thought it was amazing. He almost fucked up the song because of all that sexy crawling through the stage. But the point is: the crowd was incredible, they were incredible and everything went perfectly.

 

A few hours later and they were free to party like there’s no tomorrow cause, technically, there isn’t, when the subject is concerts. And here they are, in some fancy club, with fancy drinks and good music and loud people, celebrating that they were successful once more. Jamie and Alex, though, are far away: they escaped from the party a long ago and found a discreet place where they could walk and kiss and do whatever the fuck they want to without being bothered. Usually, Copacabana beach is full of people and pumping blood through Rio veins, but today is weirdly empty.

 

With their shoes on hands and their feet on the sand, they looked at the stars, at the Corcovado and at the Sugarloaf Mountain and, really, Rio is astonishing. Jamie stopped and Alex quickly stopped too, holding him close with a hand on his waist and placing a kiss on his cheek. ‘It’s so pretty here, innit?’

 

The guitarist hummed in agreement, yet his eyes didn’t look away from the immensity above their heads. Once in an interview, Alex said that Jamie’s favorite things were Vikings and Pirates, but he forgot the stars: since he was a little child, he loved to sit on his backyard and look at the tiny, bright points on the sky and even if he didn’t understand what they were, he adored it. During school, his dream was to study Astronomy and work in cool labs with highly technologic shite but after a certain Christmas morning, he started to cheat on his sci-fi books with the newly bought guitar his parents gave him. And soon enough, he fell in love.

 

Alex’s chuckle snapped him out of his dream and he looked at the lad by his side in question. ‘Wot?’

 

‘They say I’m the dreamer, but look at ye, you could literally go through hours only watching the stars’

 

Jamie smiled and hugged him tighter, ‘I really could’

 

'Who guessed it, huh? That the depressed fag and the traumatized drama queen would someday be truly happy?’ Alex spoke as his eyes focused on the Corcovado and on the tiny Christ the Redemeer statue contoured by the moonlight.

 

‘True. We don’t talk about this enough, do we? About how we saved each other’

 

Alex combed back the gelled, long and rebel strands of dark-hair with his hand, yet they came back on his eyes seconds later. He locked his gaze with Jamie’s and played with the silver ring adorning his finger, shining at the pale stars light, just like the one in Jamie’s hand. ‘We really don’t. We should, tho’

 

The guitarist held both of his hands between his own and smiled brightly. ‘I don’t tell you very often about how much I love you, do I?’

 

‘Actually, you do. A lot. But I’m never done with hearing it’

 

'Cause I love you too much. More than It’d be sane and more than anyone have ever loved you. More than yer mom, I could risk saying it’

 

‘That’s not true, me mom loves me more than anything’

 

‘Yes, she does, ye petulant asshole. Everyone loves ye. But I love ye more’

 

‘Everyone loves ye too. Including me mom. She adores ye, Jameh’

 

‘Stop interrupting me speech with yer mom, for fuck’s sake. I’m trying to be romantic, Al’ he giggled, making the lad smile crookedly and nod.

 

‘Alright, go on’

 

‘I love ye more than Romeo loved Juliet, more than Lennon loved Yoko, more than McCartney loved Linda, for fuck’s sake, I love ye more than anything’

 

‘All the couples you just mentioned got fucked up on the end’

 

‘Alex’

 

‘Sorry’

 

‘I swear to God, I’m trying, but ye’re getting me insane’ he spoke, not really mad, bringing his hands up and fondling Alex’s jaw with a big grin.

 

‘I promise you I’ll shut up’ the singer whispered, trying not to laugh.

 

‘Good’ he said before kissing him briefly, ‘Now let me continue. You’re the reason I’m here, Al. I’d be dead if ye didn’t save me life’

 

‘Don’t say this’

 

‘Those cuts on me thighs would eventually develop to something worse, love‘

 

‘Stop it’

 

He sighed. ‘Sorry. I’m only trying to say that everything I am today is a consequence from you loving me, and I’m grateful for that’

 

‘No, everything you are today is a consequence of the fights ye won in the past’

 

‘Yeah, but ye were me war general, weren’t ye?’

 

‘If ye say so’ Alex smiled and closed his eyes, relaxing, motivated by the warmth exhaling from Jamie’s hand and the contrasting breeze whistling from the sea.

 

‘Now, Al, I want to ask ye somewhat. I’ve wanted to ask this since we got together, that's true, but I've been thinking seriously about this for some time, although I never knew how to approach the subject, how to ask it. Would you open yer eyes for a second?’

 

He hummed in confirmation and done as he was asked to. Jamie smiled and buried his hand on his leather jacket’s pocket, before lowering one of his knees on the cold sand. The blonde brought up a small, dark velvet box and opened it slowly, giggling at Alex’s shocked expression, his mouth agape, his angular features poorly illuminated by the moonlight.

 

Jamie cleared his throat before asking firmly, yet his huge grin was adorable: ‘Will ye marry me, Al?’

 

The tears sliding down his Black Treacle-like eyes were a more than satisfying answer.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw this is blue fluorite: http://geology.com/minerals/photos/fluorite.jpg
> 
> hope you enjoyed the chapter? xoxo


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